Being a People-Pleaser and Sacrificing Self-Worth

by Susie on April 26, 2025

Posted in Emotional Well-Being, Mental Health and Self-Care

We live out certain patterns in our lives, and sometimes we aren’t even aware that it’s happening. These are patterns we have been acting out for a very long time, and yet we have no conscious awareness of them. Being a people-pleaser is a manifestation one of those patterns. On the outside, it can look like simply being helpful, offering a friendly smile or giving of your time to those who need it. However, on a deeper level, it can stem from fear, a desire to be enough, and a belief that our worth is dependent on how others perceive us.

Let’s talk about the connection between people-pleasing and self-worth.

When Pleasing Becomes a Pattern

A lot of times, people-pleasing starts early in life. You might have learned the dynamics of being a people-pleaser by growing up in a home with conditional love. You learned that if you were quiet, agreeable, helpful, or did what you were told, you’d earn love or at the very least, avoid punishment. Over time, all this acting and planning morphs into a survival strategy. Eventually we learn something like ‘If I make others happy, then I’ll be safe’ or ‘If I do what other people want me to do, then I’ll be enough.’

When we don’t feel inherently worthy, we’re willing to work really hard for it.

And so, we bend our needs and values and do and say things we think other people want, rather than what works for us. We say yes when we mean no and we offer what we don’t have, because we fear we don’t have value otherwise.

Among other things, people-pleasing comes from fear.

What It Feels Like to Be a People-Pleaser:

First of all, its exhausting
You constantly seek reassurance that you’re doing okay.
You get anxious and maybe even feel worthless when someone is disappointed in you.
You often take too much responsibility, and feel responsible for how others feel.
Saying “no” feels like a big deal; like a betrayal.
You avoid conflict, even if it means betraying yourself.

People-pleasing isn’t just about being nice, in fact, it’s more about manipulation. Intentional or not, you manipulate others by forsaking yourself in the hope of gaining connection. How many times have you agreed and smiled just to avoid conflict? Have you ever pretended to show interest in something you had no interest in, just to validate the other person? Do you go to events or spend time in places out of obligation, or because you are expected to? These are examples of abandoning yourself.

Where People-Pleasing Comes From:

I always wonder where my habits come from. What started it? Why do I feel this way?

People-pleasing behaviors can stem from anywhere and manifest themselves at any time. However, if you’ve been a people-pleaser your whole life, it’s helpful to understand more about the wound that needs to heal, underneath that behavior.

Understanding where you learned certain behaviors, and how and why are helpful in moving past the people-pleasing tendencies to learning more about what need you are trying to fulfill by responding that way. People-pleasing is a learned behavior that you adapted to at some point, because it worked for you. Certain messages that you may have received in childhood may be the reason why this survival strategy worked for you in the first place.

Below are some possible origins of people-pleasing:

Emotionally unavailable caregivers: How were you cared for? If praise or affection only came when you did what your caregiver wanted you to do, you may have learned to associate love with pleasing.
Being the “good kid”: What actions were reinforced for you in childhood? You may have been praised for being quiet, easy, or otherwise “good” – not for being messy, honest, or complicated. As a result, you learned to suppress your needs. You learned that your needs didn’t matter.
Family instability or trauma: Did you feel safe in your environment? In homes where conflict or chaos were also present, you may have adopted the peacekeeper persona as a way to feel some control.
Unmet emotional needs: Did anyone hear you? When no one consistently met your needs, you learned to meet everyone else’s, and to value those needs above your own.

Do these patterns make sense? They were from wisdom – your younger self did what they had to in order to feel safe. Now, however, give yourself permission to choose a new way.

What Healing Looks Like:

When you heal from people-pleasing, your life begins to change drastically. It feels almost as if you’re living a new life. The freedom from other people’s opinions is something I feel grateful for every day. It’s empowering, and freeing to know that I can live my life in a way that’s best for me, and leave other people’s opinions and feelings – up to them. When you are free of the need for approval from other people, you really make a lot of space to get to know yourself. When you take action without the need for a specific external response, that action comes from a place of authenticity. Saying ‘no’ has no alternate or hidden meaning, other than ‘no.’ You become more comfortable articulating what you do and don’t feel comfortable with and thus, get to work on your boundaries.

Some examples of healing might be:

Saying no.
Letting others feel disappointment without feeling the need to fix it.
Valuing doing what’s best for you, over outside approval.
Remembering you have inherent value, especially when you feel the urge to please.
Rebuilding your self-worth through meaningful work and reflection- not from others’ reactions.

Healing is a slow process. It takes time, patience and a desire to get to the other side. Letting go of people-pleasing allows you to remember that you don’t have to do anything to be worthy, you are worthy as you are.

You Are Not Alone

With commitment and effort, you can heal from people-pleasing. You can live free, without the burdens of constantly worrying about what other people are thinking and doing. At some point, you learn to give that responsibility back to other people and take the weight off your shoulders. What would it be like if you truly valued your thoughts and opinions, feelings and happiness? How would you feel if you loved yourself more than the idea of acceptance?

Contrary to what you may believe, you do not have to abandon yourself to be enough.

Resources If you’d like to learn more about self-worth and people-pleasing, check out these links:

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