How To Listen for Answers and Let Go of the Past

How To Listen for Answers and Let Go of the Past

I had a revelation the other day. It was a big one. On this journey so far, I have actually gotten used to big revelations presenting themselves to me. 

I was starting my morning with a scenario I couldn’t get out of my head. It was one I had created a thousand times before, only this was the first time I’ve had it since my perspective shift. 

I allowed myself to humor the repetitiveness of the thought, it felt like it needed to run its course a bit. Then, I began to wonder about what I was doing. I started asking myself questions and eventually I was struck with the answer to a question I had been trying to figure out my whole life. 

In this post I’m going to be talking about how I got an answer I was searching for by being aware of my thoughts and how freeing it is to know better. 

Hanging Tough

Ever since I can remember, I have had this fantasy where I am standing up for myself. In my imagination, I am really strong and powerful and I really let the other person have it, verbally. It’s kind of a scene and they’re just left staring at me and it’s a mic drop moment at the end. 

Chefs kiss.. 

I would create this scenario in my head and it would become a movie scene I would ultimately end up acting out. Yes, I would stand in front of the mirror in my bathroom and just rehearse the very thoughtful and harshly put things I would say to my perceived bully, whoever that was at the time. 

I thought that it was my OCD that was causing this movie clip to keep playing over and over again in my mind. Turns out, it was something different. 

Going Back to Childhood

Growing up, my mom’s husband was abusive and he would scream at her. He was always just so big and loud that she couldn’t do anything about it. He would get in her face and say mean things, raise his voice and even throw things. She would stand there, trying her best to say something back and defend herself – but it would never work. 

He bullied me and my sister too; none of us were able to stand up to him. 

That was my example of what relationships were like, when I was little. As a result, I would go to school and be annoying so that I would attract class bullies or confrontations. In middle school, I was constantly stressed out and fighting with someone in my class. 

I would create this situation where the other person had an easy opportunity to be mean to me, then I would seize up and not respond in the moment.  Kids were super mean and I was just this reactive, scared little girl trying to fight the wind. 

I was just this reactive, scared little girl trying to fight the wind. 

I was afraid of everything, all the time. I didn’t feel a sense of safety at home, and I didn’t feel a sense of safety at school.

Putting the Pieces Together

That was the first part of it: throughout my life I never felt a sense of safety. That taught me that anyone – at all – could become my enemy in a given moment. I never learned to distinguish a real threat from a perceived one. 

So, in life, I was always ready for someone to just look at me the wrong way. I was never not ready. In the back of my mind I would always feel like it didn’t need to be that way. 

When I would have these movie clips on repeat in my head, I always wondered why I would do that. I did it so often it became annoying after a while. 

As an adult, one common pattern in each of these ‘movie clips’ was that my bully was always someone that I generally didn’t know. It would always be someone that I never really thought about otherwise, because I didn’t really care. 

I would take this super random person who literally may have looked at me the wrong way, and completely blow up the entire situation in my head. I also struggled to contain my huge feelings about this seemingly nonsensical problem, because I never identified exactly which feeling I was experiencing. I was doing it all out of fear. 

And I was terrified of being bullied. 

Acting Out of Fear

It was very powerful that I realized I was creating these scenarios out of fear. And I was recreating the confrontation in my head because I wanted to change the outcome. I want to be there for myself, this time. 

People who were abused as kids usually enter into romantic relationships that mirror what they experienced, so that they can change the outcome. That’s essentially what I was doing – only with everyone around me. 

I was repeating these scenes in my head because when I found that super witty, cool thing to say in response to my bully, it gave me a sense of security and safety. I was repeating what I wanted to say, not because the thought was stuck – but because the part of me that never healed was grasping for feelings of safety. 

Moving Forward

This is a huge revelation for me and it really explains a lot. I’m not paranoid, however, it doesn’t take much for me to start wondering if we have a problem. Knowing that I can differentiate between a real threat and my own imagination; that there is a difference, changes everything. 

I have always known that the reason for me wanting to take a stand so badly stemmed from my childhood. After the thought series passes, I like to remind myself that I’m not in the house I grew up in anymore, and I’m not around those same people anymore, and I’m older now. 

These things are obvious at first, but very hard to remember when you’re lost in a memory of the past. 

Your brain doesn’t distinguish the difference between what you’re thinking and what you’re actually doing. That means it’s your job to be aware of your thoughts so that you don’t just slip back into that time. When you have thoughts from past trauma, you have a choice in what you do with them. Don’t forget, you can choose a different thought. 

Something to Keep in Mind

Another thing you can do – and the thing I love to do, is question that thought. 

If you can’t escape a thought, question it. Questioning your thoughts is also a way to spend time with them without letting them take over. Not only does it allow you the opportunity to learn something about yourself, it can also help you to transition to a new thought. 

I would argue to always question your thoughts. It will help you decipher between your own authentic thoughts and intrusive, anxiety fueled thoughts. It will also help you be more mindful of what you are thinking. Questioning your thoughts makes you interact with your mind and helps you to slow it down. 

Your thoughts now have a checkpoint; they have to slow down and stop so you can take a look at them. They have to wait for you to determine what happens next. 

How Can You Relate?

I am sharing this story with you in hopes that you can relate in some way. We all have things from our past that we carry with us on a daily basis. Some things we are aware of, and some things we just aren’t. 

That’s okay, what I want you to take away from this post is that if you are open to spending time with the parts of yourself that you might not like, you just might learn something. The things that make us uncomfortable have something to tell us, and it starts by being brave enough to listen. 

Just acknowledging certain thoughts sometimes can teach you something. Taking the time to sit with your thoughts without any judgment can help you ask yourself the right questions you need on your journey to healing. 

Take a look at my other blog posts on checking in with yourself and learning to identify your emotions.