When Self-Trust Stops Being Just an Idea Self-trust isn’t something you decide you have. It’s not something you can fake. And once you’ve built a foundation of self-trust, it doesn’t require constant effort – it shows up on its own. You see it most clearly in moments where there’s no applause, no validation, no reassurance that you’re doing the right thing. Sometimes doing what’s best for you – standing up for what you believe in and holding firm in your values – can feel incredibly lonely. But those are the moments that reveal how deeply you trust yourself. Having the courage to stand alone when it feels like everyone else…
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I was talking with someone the other day who was telling me about an interaction they had. They said, “I should’ve thought of that then. Now I’m going to be thinking about it all day.” Sometimes people do that. I’ve talked to a lot of people who replay conversations in their head, wishing they had said something differently, or imagining how they could’ve responded better. I’ve done this too. There are times when I’ve looked back at how a conversation could’ve gone differently, or second-guessed a decision I made. Even small, personal decisions – like changing your hair, loving it, and still asking friends or family for approval. We might…
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When navigating relationships, in any capacity, it’s hard to know exactly what you’re going to get from one person. A lot of times people hide how they actually feel, they might favor politeness instead of realness, they might not even be aware of their behavior. There are a plethora of ways you can experience someone, and in my experience, you actually can get a preview of what they might have to offer – if you just listen to them. In everyday conversation, people tend to declare things about themselves. They want you to know how they identify, they want the things they feel strongly about to be known. I wrote…
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I used to have a neighbor who was challenging to live next to. She would desperately seek attention from most people around her – including the neighbors – in very overt and obnoxious ways. I’m not sure why she behaved this way; I never actually talked to her about it. I eventually moved because it was best for my peace – all of that stimulus was aimed at me as well.While I was living next to her, I went through a series of emotions: annoyance, confusion, anger, rage – and eventually, understanding and neutrality. She would play her music loud for the entire courtyard to hear, put her things on…
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When you think about going to a therapist, at least on a broad spectrum, the question ‘how does that make you feel?‘ might come up for you at some point. Albeit a little stereotypical, it’s a really powerful question. Asking yourself how you feel is essentially what happens when you tune in. When you pause and check in with yourself, you see how you’re feeling in the moment – with the goal of responding appropriately and consciously. This question helps you to know how to tune in to your emotions for personal growth. “How do you feel?” may be the most important question you ask yourself. Knowing how you feel…
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Sometimes people just start talking – sharing their stories, their worries, their problems. While it’s wonderful that others may feel safe and comfortable enough with you to open up, these conversations can sometimes feel uncomfortable or even unwarranted. Have you ever found yourself listening out of obligation as someone tells you about their challenges? I’ve had strangers share details about their health issues, their children’s life choices, or regrets that have weighed on them over time. It’s easy to stay in these interactions to avoid seeming rude – but what can moments like these teach us? In conversations like these, I often find myself nodding along in acknowledgment. But nodding…
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I’m not sure who all can relate to this, but for most of my life I assumed that just because someone was being nice to me – that also meant they were my friend. People are nice to other people for all kinds of reasons, and unfortunately no, it doesn’t make you friends. Sometimes someone might be nice to you as a way to manipulate you, use you to manipulate someone else, or they might just be nice to you because they are nice to everyone. Just because someone is pleasant to be around doesn’t mean the two of you have a connection. It doesn’t make them trustworthy and it…
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When we were little, we were taught to say “sorry” when we did something wrong. For some of us, somewhere along the way, we picked up the habit of apologizing constantly – just moving through life. People go to therapy because they need to talk about their desire for an apology. I know in the past, I’ve held the belief that an apology needed to happen before I could move on, and I’m not alone. Some folks wait years – sometimes their whole lives – for an apology. They stop speaking to loved ones, they hold grudges. They rearrange entire parts of their lives because they feel an apology is…
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For too long, many of us have confused being nice with being good – and being liked with being worthy. We do our best to smile, to be pleasant, and we see that as the baseline for acceptable behavior. As long as the people around us approve of what we’re doing, saying, or even who we are, we assume we’re worthy. We trade our emotional awareness for the perceived approval of others. This way of thinking skips the most important questions:How are you feeling?What do you want? Are you okay? People-pleasing can become so ingrained that we lose sight of our own emotional wellbeing altogether. If you’re a people-pleaser, you…
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People-pleasers are often described as “nice”. Beyond nice, however, people-pleasers are sensitive, emotionally attuned and often deeply empathetic. The problem occurs when empathy becomes your way of survival; when you unconsciously believe that other people’s comfort is more important than your truth – it gradually depletes your self-worth. People-pleasing is a survival strategy, and we do it out of fear – fear of disappointing others, fear of abandonment. Fear that if we don’t make other people happy; we aren’t lovable. The Unseen Burden of Pleasing If you were conditioned to view approval as the same as love, you likely learned that disappointing someone meant you would lose connection. In the…
