The Empty Plate
I recently went out to dinner for my friend’s birthday. A small group of us got together, we had been looking forward to celebrating with her ever since the plans were made. She was so excited to go to dinner at a really cute little restaurant in her area.
At dinner, we all had a really nice time. The conversation was great, the food was delicious and the service was good as well.
At the end of our enjoyable dinner, however, we were met with an unexpected moment. The server, who had been perfectly fine all evening, brought over an empty plate with a single candle on it, sat it in front of my friend, and walked away.
Everyone at the table was confused.
Personally, when I saw this I immediately assumed it was passive aggression, but we didn’t know this person.
Maybe some people like empty plates with candles on their birthday, but for our group – this left us feeling confused. We felt kind of weird, and uncertain if we should be offended, what was that empty plate about?
We ended up turning lemons into lemonade and sang happy birthday to her and laughed and ended our evening on our own good note. That plate however, remained on my mind.
I was so happy to spend time with everyone together, and seeing my friend so happy made me just think about how she didn’t deserve to be randomly slighted by the server at her birthday dinner.
As the rest of the day went on, I kept thinking about it.
I didn’t want to cause a scene, or get anyone in trouble, and unless I feel the situation really could use attention, I don’t really like to complain at restaurants. I know how hard the job is and we are all doing our best, but this wasn’t about doing or not doing your best.
I felt that I needed to stand up for my friend.
I at least wanted them to know that their server is making their customers feel weird.
So I called.
Later on in the evening, while we were all back at her house around the fire, I slipped away and took a moment to call the restaurant.
Yes I called to complain, listen – nobody’s perfect.
I did my very best to be considerate and respectful on the phone. I was hoping for an open conversation or at least something positive to come from it.
When I was transferred to the manager he had zero interest in talking to me, he listened and I told him that we all felt bad before leaving his restaurant and I thought he should know.
All I got in response was a deadpan, robotic, monotone voice that said “I’ll tell the owner and we will talk about it.” And I said “okay thank you”, and he hung up.
Have you ever heard of the term “cognitive dissonance”?
I was expecting to make the call, and feel a sense of resolution. Resolution something was being done, and that my friends and I didn’t leave that restaurant feeling like we had all been a part of a back-handed birthday wish for nothing.
But after I hung up I actually felt worse. In fact, I felt slighted again. Now, by the manager.
It was at this point that it became super apparent to me that I had done enough looking outside myself for solutions, I needed to move on on my own from this matter.
Walking back to the house, I realized I had essentially spent most of my friends birthday thinking about that stupid plate and candle.
Everyone was in the back with the fire pit laughing and sharing stories, and I was ruminating that the server that I don’t know and will never see again, did something rude.
And I allowed that one, small moment, to have more of my attention than the people around me.
When Something Gets Stuck In Your Head
We’ve all been there. I can name countless other examples where I’ve let something small linger inside my mind.
Maybe you were on the receiving end of a rude comment, and you kept replaying it in your head. You see that person’s face, hear their words, feel their energy – over and over again.
You might have had an awkward interaction with someone and you’re not sure if you handled it the right way, or you feel judged. Sometimes when this happens we tend to spend much more time thinking about it than necessary.
Something like poor customer service sets us over the edge and we can talk about it far into the future. We might tell all of our friends what a bad time we had; as if making it a part of our conversation fixes it somehow.
Even things like getting cut off in traffic can just stay with us.
The event itself lasts seconds.
The replaying can last days.
Why do we sometimes spend more time thinking about something than the event itself actually lasted?
Seeking Closure
When I decided to call the restaurant I really had positive intentions. I did not want to get anyone in trouble, I genuinely thought someone should know what happened.
When I checked in with myself, I felt uncomfortable – and so didn’t the people in my party, so I thought it would be acceptable for me to speak up.
I mean, I can’t be the only one here – handing someone an empty plate with a candle on it for their birthday is odd.
Maybe I wasn’t looking for an apology, although I kind of thought that might happen. I certainly didn’t want anything for free, and I was prepared to reject an offer to come back for something – because that’s not what this was about.
More or less, I just wanted a little acknowledgement.
The Phone Call
But the moment the manager got on the phone I could tell he had zero interest in our conversation.
After I proceeded to authentically tell him what happened and how we all felt, I was hoping to be met in a similar fashion.
But I wasn’t.
It’s almost like he was trying to make sure I knew he didn’t care. And he said he would tell the owner.
When I got off the phone it felt like why did I even do that?
And then I realized that I had spent most of my evening ruminating over this stupid plate and candle, when I could have been present with the people I care about.
The Truth About Closure
Sometimes we think, maybe if we explain ourselves and are heard – our anger will dissolve and we’ll feel better.
We might think if we get the other person to understand how we are feeling or what we are going through as a result of their actions, then we’ll be able to move on.
We might want the other person to apologize for their behavior, or we might want acknowledgement.
What we ultimately want is closure.
For a lot of us, however, that closure never comes.
Sometimes the other person doesn’t care. Plain and simple. What do you do then?
Maybe they’re distracted. Most people really are more concerned with what’s going on in their own lives, and if someone is offended or hurt along the way – well, they’ve got other things to worry about.
Whatever the reason, eventually, life just moves on.
And maybe we should too.
Ask Yourself: Is This Worth My Time?
Whenever you find yourself ruminating over a moment, and really making it last forever – there are some questions you can ask yourself.
You may want to think about:
Questions like:
- Will this matter next week?
- Will this matter next month?
- Is pursuing this going to improve my life?
- Am I seeking a solution or validation?
- What outcome am I actually hoping for?
Sometimes the answer is:
Nothing productive.
Sometimes we just want the situation to feel complete.
Not Everything Deserves Your Energy
I talk a lot on this blog about how energy is a resource, and you only have so much of it at a time.
Every minute spent replaying something steals your attention, peace, and presence.
Don’t use your energy to actively make yourself feel worse.
In a general sense, the issue isn’t what happened, it’s how much of our lives we give it after the fact.
When You Should Speak Up
Just to be clear, I’m not suggesting we stay silent or not speak up.
There is a time and a place and I trust that you can use your own discernment.
Of course, whenever there are safety concerns, mistreatment or boundary violations we want to speak up and advocate for ourselves. Serious issues should be dealt with accordingly.
Big things deserve attention, but an empty birthday plate – maybe not so much.
Not every inconvenience deserves a personal investigation.
Conclusion: Let Small Things Stay Small
Looking back, it wasn’t the empty plate that wasted my time and energy.
It wasn’t the phone call that took me away from my loved ones.
It was not being able, or willing, to let go of a small moment that ultimately didn’t matter.
Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is not to seek out an explanation, or an apology, or even closure.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is make the decision that we’ve already spent enough energy on something, and let it go.
Life is short.
Not everything deserves a second thought.
Some things are better left exactly where they happened – in the past.
Related Reads:
Boundaries and Standards: How to Identify, Enforce, and Embrace What’s Best for You,
Make Sure They Bring Value,
Let People Show You Who They Are,
It’s Your Show – The Reality of Main Character Energy
Resources If you’d like to learn more about closure, check out these links:
- Psychology Today: The Truth About Getting Closure
- Forbes: Why Your Brain Loves Closure Even When It’s a Lie – By a Psychologist
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