The Moment You Realize You’re Waiting
I overheard a conversation recently where two people were talking about someone, and referred to them as a “pick me girl.” They were talking about someone who seemingly goes out of their way to get attention and clearly makes her presence known. For some of us, people like that can be a little much, but I was curious to understand further.
It got me thinking about the term “pick me girl.” To say someone is that type of person, we are essentially saying they are someone who raises their hand enthusiastically in hopes of being chosen – hence the term “pick me.”
Why would someone show up that way? And is it really that bad?
These people were clearly being judgmental, but I actually think the girl they were referring to had some valid points.
If that girl just wanted to be chosen, to feel like she mattered, to feel like others are happy she’s there – don’t we all want that?
Have you ever been there, waiting – for a text, for a phone call? Maybe you met someone new and were in that dance of waiting to see if they were going to reach out and… pick you.
Maybe you put extra effort into your appearance, your hair, your clothes – in order for a certain someone to… see you.
This “pick me” girl was just being honest. We all want to be chosen, to feel special and important – she was just being more direct about it.
What if the challenge is not in wanting to feel a sense of validation from other people? What if it’s not the wanting to be chosen, but the waiting to be chosen – that’s keeping you from choosing yourself?
The Original Blueprint – Being Chosen by Our Parents
It starts for all of us, in the beginning.
When we were little, being chosen was much more than just social validation. As a child, being seen and chosen meant things like safety and connection. When your parents gave you the attention and love you needed, it allowed you to safely attach to them and feel secure.
Some of us received this love inconsistently. Maybe we were left waiting for our parent to listen to something important, and they didn’t make the time.
Maybe our parent or caretaker prioritized their feelings and comfort over our own, and we were left to figure it out. Or perhaps we had to wait for our parent to protect us from harm, or to simply choose us consistently.
Waiting for these things in childhood can teach us that love, care, safety, and validation are not always available. We begin to feel like the things that are so important to our development are scarce.
As we get older, we may stay in a state of vigilance, unsure of when our emotional needs will be met. Since we can’t rely on anyone to provide these things consistently, we either push the need down and decide we don’t need it, go out of our way hoping someone will give it to us, or we learn how to secure it within ourselves.
If your needs weren’t fully or consistently met as a kid, that longing doesn’t just go away. It stays with you, and comes out in other ways.
This is when your attachment begins shaping your behavior as an adult.
How the Need to Be Chosen Shows Up in Adulthood
The desire to be chosen can show up in every aspect of your life, with any other human.
In our romantic relationships, we may be waiting for our partner to commit. We may seek validation so much from our romantic partner that we stay with someone who isn’t certain about us. We may make ourselves available for someone who doesn’t treat us the way we deserve. We might only feel validated when we are being pursued.
We might notice our need to be seen in our friend groups. Sometimes it can feel unsettling if we aren’t invited. We might find ourselves wanting to be special, the “best friend,” or the one everyone goes to when they need something. This need for external validation might show up as silently competing with others for a position within the group.
You might find yourself looking for recognition or seeking rewards at work – so everyone notices you.
When we look outside ourselves for feelings of security, love, and validation, we might constantly watch to see if we are included. Subtle changes in tone or energy shifts might cause us to become unsettled and worry about abandonment. Not getting the reassurance we seek could cause us to question our innate value. Check out Understanding Validation and How to Cultivate it for Yourself
Why Being Chosen Feels Like Worth
Being chosen feels incredible. Those feelings of being wanted, desired, seen – they’re intoxicating.
When we are the ones who are ‘special,’ our body releases dopamine, the feel-good hormone. We are soothed by the security of belonging, and it reinforces our identity. If someone sees us, we are here – we matter.
Subconsciously, we may believe that if they choose us, we have value.
This is an unstable, anxious place to be. When you feel this way, whether consciously or not, you are giving your power away.
Here, how you feel about yourself varies from one moment to the next, based on who is around you – and whether they show kindness that you interpret as worth.
Don’t do that to yourself.
Your power rests in your hands, in your ability to choose. Choose to see your own value – regardless of circumstances.
We aren’t outsourcing our worth; no one gets power over how you feel about yourself. Check out Reclaim Your Power: Why We Give It Away and How to Take It Back
The Attachment to Being Chosen
Much like the idea that Rejection Isn’t the Problem – Attachment to Outcome Is – the same goes for being chosen. Being chosen is a natural desire; becoming attached to what you think the outcome of being chosen will be is what keeps you stuck.
Attachment might look like over-investing in a new love interest earlier than what feels appropriate. We might overlook red flags and focus only on the good moments with someone, because we want that version of them to pick us. We might shrink ourselves, hold back, or perform to stay appealing.
If we are focused on getting the outcome we want, we might even abandon ourselves and perform to be what we think they want.
And if we are met with neutral responses, we might feel crushed – like we aren’t good enough.
When we focus so intently on receiving love and acceptance from someone outside ourselves, we open the doors and let just about anyone in. Check out Make Sure They Bring Value
When we are desperate to be seen and loved, we put ourselves in a position to do all of the things listed above, and more. We create so much distance between who we are and the validation we can give ourselves that we forget we don’t need to work so hard for it.
When you can’t provide validation and love for yourself, you scavenge wherever you can find it.
You deserve better. And you’re capable of much more.
The Shift – Choosing Yourself Instead
So what if you stopped waiting and chose yourself?
Choosing yourself does not mean self-isolating, and it doesn’t mean you stop caring about being chosen. We aren’t pretending to be fine when we’re not, or using arrogance to cover up our desires. As always, we are still feeling our feelings.
As we navigate our lives from alignment, we begin to see things differently.
If you chose yourself consistently, what would that look like?
Choosing yourself starts with boundaries. What’s mine, and what’s theirs?
The first step is recognizing that it’s your responsibility to meet your emotional needs – no one else’s.
With this mindset, we move through the world a little differently. We might walk away from inconsistency. If someone is confusing, let them be confusing to someone else.
When we take responsibility for our own emotional health, we are more likely to speak up about our needs and be honest about what we want. We can set stronger boundaries with those around us and protect our well-being.
Loving yourself looks like not chasing or auditioning for a space in someone else’s life. It means knowing you are worthy of an invitation – and even if you don’t get one, you are okay either way.
It becomes easier to navigate the journey of choosing ourselves when we pay attention to how we are being treated and the energy we allow in our lives. Check out How Boundaries Build Self-Trust and Discernment in Relationships
When you love and choose yourself, everything else changes.
Specific Moments Where You Can Choose Yourself
Choosing yourself is a constant decision. It’s something you get in the habit of doing, and you just do it -because it’s what’s best for you.
We aren’t being inconsiderate with others; we are simply prioritizing our peace.
Some examples:
- In your romantic life, if someone says, “I’m not ready,” choosing yourself might look like believing them.
- When you aren’t invited by the group, validating yourself might look like remaining calm rather than spiraling.
- If a parent or family member dismisses your feelings, you could validate yourself internally. You could choose not to assign meaning to not being chosen, and embrace your value and worth anyway.
What Secure Attachment Actually Looks Like
Secure attachment isn’t hoping someone will show you love or validation, or finding a way to cover up the hole where you didn’t receive these things in the past.
Secure attachment is calm and steady. It looks like: “I choose you, and if you choose me too – that’s great. If not – that’s great too.”
Being securely attached is grounded; it is not desperate. There is no self-abandonment when you are securely attached because you know you have your own back – regardless.
When you love and validate yourself, love and validation from others becomes icing on the cake – not your only source of nourishment.
It begins when you take your power back from others and put more emphasis on your own choice – for you.
Conclusion: You Are Not an Option on a Shelf
You are not waiting to be noticed. You do not need to be approved into existence. You are whole and complete without someone else’s stamp of approval.
You can want to be chosen – that’s human.
But you don’t need to be chosen.
When you choose yourself first and move forward from a place of alignment, your whole life changes. Providing love and acceptance for yourself allows you to show up with discernment in your relationships, along with healthy detachment to do what’s best for you.
You don’t need anyone to validate you. Love yourself first.
Related Reads:
Make Sure They Bring Value,
Being in Alignment and Aware of Our Worth,
Understanding Emotions: The Key to Personal Growth and Healing,
Four Ways Your Confidence Can Unsettle Others
Resources If you’d like to learn more about secure attachment and self- validation, check out these links:
- Psychology Today: Nurturing Secure Attachment: Building Healthy Relationships
- Verywell Mind: What Does Secure Attachment Look and Feel Like? Plus How to Develop It
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