Boundaries and Real Life Practice
Boundaries determine how you show up in your life.
Before I even knew what boundaries were, I realized that I sort of just floated through my life and reacted to whatever felt the least threatening.
I was afraid of everything, and I desperately wanted to know that I belonged to the group. In fact, I thought for the longest time that being rejected from the group was possibly the worst thing that could happen. Check out Not Everyone Is for You: Letting Go of the Need for Approval
After understanding my boundaries, it’s almost become fun to think about things and what my boundaries are around them.
Knowing my boundaries means I know myself; I know what I’m comfortable with, I know what I’m not, and I know my limits.
When I honor those limits, I show myself respect.
Consistently showing up for yourself in this way helps build self-esteem and self-love – which changes your experience completely.
Boundaries aren’t just important – they’re fun! Who knew?
We can often see what our boundaries are when we take a look at our relationships. Here, we can see how we are enforcing them, and how we can better enforce them in the future.
If someone rejects you for knowing and enforcing your own boundaries – that might be a good thing. What would happen if you lovingly enforced your boundaries when you needed to?
In this post, we’ll take a closer look at how boundaries help with discernment, and what that looks like in daily life. Check out How Healing Sparks Clarity: Learning to See People with Discernment
Understanding Boundaries
You may be thinking, what are boundaries? How do I know what my boundaries are?
Boundaries happen when you make a decision about what you are open to and what you are not open to. You decide what you will and will not tolerate, what you do and don’t like, what you will or will not engage with – and you always have a choice. Check out Closure is a Boundary – Reclaiming Your Narrative
We don’t make these decisions based on punishment, being seen, or teaching anybody a lesson. We make these decisions based on how they feel to us.
Do I feel safe having this conversation?
Do I feel comfortable around this person?
Do I want to share this information, or do I want to keep it private?
Asking yourself these questions helps guide you in the direction of your boundaries.
Your boundaries are about communicating with yourself first, and others second.
Why Boundaries Feel “Mean” at First
I’ve talked to lots and lots of people who have felt that setting a boundary would be received as being mean.
A lot of people respond to boundaries as rejection.
Sometimes, we might feel guilty for setting boundaries because we feel responsible for the other person’s feelings.
How other people respond to our boundaries is not our up to us. Let them decide how they feel and allow them their own responsibility for their own response.
Boundaries are less about other people’s feelings and more about our own truths. Some people might feel uncomfortable because of our growth – and that’s okay.
We continue to grow anyway.
Boundaries are meant to keep people aligned with you in, and those who are not aligned with you out.
This is the difference between self-respect and being unkind. Check out Emotional Boundaries: How to Create Healthy, Sustainable Connections
Boundaries vs. Avoidance
Sometimes people confuse setting boundaries with avoidance. Setting boundaries is not avoiding something you don’t want to address. Setting boundaries is actively knowing your limitations and lovingly enforcing them.
When you avoid dealing with something, you run the risk of repeating that pattern over and over again. Be present and acknowledge the reality of what you need to feel comfortable and safe. This allows you to stay present while honoring your limits.
Emotional Responsibility vs. Over-Responsibility
Sometimes we can also get confused about what is our responsibility and what is not. We might think it’s our responsibility to make sure other people are happy or comfortable, or that we have to control the narrative 100% of the time.
Either way, there are times when we find ourselves trying to regulate other people’s nervous systems.
Our responsibility is to regulate ourselves and our awareness. Over-responsibility happens when we try to manage other people’s emotions. Check out Healthy Detachment — What It Is (and What It Isn’t)
You’re only ever responsible for how you feel. You choose what you share and how you share it, as long as you do it honestly. How people respond, how they interpret it, and what they do afterward is up to them.
Just because you care about how someone feels doesn’t mean you’re obligated to act on it.
Applying Boundaries and Discernment Daily
If you take time to learn more about people and observe them, you can notice patterns – what they do habitually and what triggers them. That way, you also learn a little more about how you think. Check out Recognizing Patterns in Others
You can practice setting small boundaries consistently. Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be a huge, life-changing event – you can start simply by saying no. Just say no. You don’t have to give a response, you don’t have to explain. Simply say no, mean it, and be done.
Check in with yourself and your actions: Are they aligned with your values? Are you making purposeful choices based on what you want?
Are you learning from the friction in your life? Are you learning from the challenges that boundaries bring?
Boundaries and Self-Trust in Action
The more comfortable you are with your boundaries and the more you know about yourself, the more your boundaries become your language of self-respect.
When you say, “I don’t eat meat,” that’s a boundary you are enforcing because you respect yourself.
When you say, “I don’t engage in that type of conversation at work,” that’s a boundary you are enforcing because it aligns with your values.
Consistently showing up in this way, improves your relationship with yourself. Check out Your Most Important Relationship: The One You Have With Yourself
When you have discernment, you trust what you observe in real time. Then you can move forward, and act from what matters to you.
You may find that the relationships in your life become mirrors for how you feel about yourself.
Related Reads:
- How to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Energy: A Guide for Empaths,
- Understanding Validation and How to Cultivate it for Yourself ,
- Give Yourself the Right Conditions to Grow,
- Acting Out of Obligation,
Resources If you’d like to learn more about boundaries and self-trust, check out these links:
- Psychology Today: Why Boundaries are Essential Self-Care
- Psychology Today: The Real Purpose of Boundaries
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