Introduction: Looking Beneath the Surface
I recently started a new job, and I really went into it with the idea that if I could have all of my questions and answers ready, I would be more prepared, more successful, and start doing really well right out of the gate.
While I would soon realize that my expectations just needed to be managed with regard to time, I learned something here.
Typically, it takes a long time for people to get started in my field, so I was actually on track as I was. As it happened, I wasn’t considering that a new hire is clearly going to be experiencing different progress than someone who’s been with the company for decades, or more.
Oops.
During that time, I would chat with one of my friends at work, and she would refer to me as an “overachiever.” She said that to me on several occasions. Other people told me to quit being so hard on myself.
I felt like I was just being ambitious, but I realized it was being received differently.
It made me ask myself:
Am I being hard on myself? Am I actually an overachiever?
Those concepts stayed with me for several days and inspired this post.
If you’re an overachiever, what does that really mean?
What are you really trying to accomplish?
If you’re being hard on yourself, why? Why do you put pressure on yourself to do something?
I asked some questions, and below we’ll explore what we really need when we find ourselves in situations like being an overachiever, a people-pleaser, angry all the time, a perfectionist, a caretaker, or an avoider.
We’ll also talk about falling into the comparison trap and the need to be enough.
1. The Overachiever: “I Need to Prove My Worth”
What is an overachiever?
Typically, it’s someone who always feels the need to excel at whatever they do. They might be a little related to the people-pleaser.
This person works really hard, is highly dedicated, and has a lot of great qualities that lead to success.
They also, however, feel the need to go above and beyond in an effort to prove their worth.
Whether they realize it or not.
If someone is an overachiever, they might:
- Always strive for more, more, more
- Constantly set higher goals, or unnecessarily high goals
- Feel uncomfortable resting
- Tie their identity to their accomplishments
- Feel like there’s always something to prove
While you might look at someone who’s constantly working really hard and not see anything wrong, there might be more going on under the surface. Check out Understanding Validation and How to Cultivate it for Yourself
If someone is constantly working to be the greatest and they can’t rest unless they are going above and beyond, there might be a deeper belief underneath it all.
Beneath the surface, they might feel like:
“If I achieve enough, maybe I’ll finally feel like I am enough.”
Growing up, some of us may have learned that achievement brought praise and attention. We might have been given special treatment, and achievement may have brought feelings of safety.
Of course, success often brings approval from other people, and we learn that approval and recognition come with achievement.
They may have internalized beliefs like:
“I’m valuable when I’m successful.”
“I’m lovable when I’m impressive.”
“I can rest when I’ve done enough.”
These folks might be looking for proof that they matter, or they might be trying to avoid rejection.
If you can relate to the descriptions above, what I want to ask you is:
Who are you when you’re not accomplishing something?
How do you think your value would be affected if you stopped producing?
Are you chasing after a goal, or are you chasing after the feeling you hope the goal will give you?
And I would really like to mention here that achievement itself isn’t bad, of course.
The question is: Are you pursuing growth because you love yourself and that’s what’s best for you? Or are you trying to prove that you deserve to be loved and have your needs met?
2. The People-Pleaser: “I Need Acceptance”
I think people-pleasing is probably pretty common. It’s also something I’ve had to work on myself in the past.
You might be familiar with the people-pleaser – someone who is always pleasant, always interested, always happy, and generally always saying yes.
This person usually says yes when they want to say no. They tend to go out of their way to avoid conflict, and they try to keep everyone happy.
This person might overthink how other people feel about them, and they might constantly seek reassurance.
The deeper belief behind these behaviors is something along the lines of:
“If everyone is happy with me, I’ll be safe.”
Growing up, someone might have learned that conflict meant losing connection. Some of us might have been given the cold shoulder by our parents, or we might not have received the attention we needed – those moments reinforced our beliefs. Check out How Being a People-Pleaser Affects Your Self-Worth
Someone may have learned that being easy to deal with meant they would be accepted by the group.
They might have learned that their needs were less important than others’ and that approval was something they had to earn.
If you can relate to the people-pleaser, some questions I would like to ask you are:
Do you know what you want, or are you used to considering everyone else first?
Are you being kind genuinely, or are you afraid of disappointing someone?
Do you feel responsible for other people’s emotions?
Being loved because you’re always accommodating isn’t the same as being loved for who you are.
3. The Angry Person: “I Need to Feel Loved or Safe”
Some of us might feel like anger is bad. We might have learned growing up that expressing anger was met with negative reactions, and that taught us to repress it or not show it.
I’ve heard a lot of stories from people who thought they never got angry, but in reality, they just pushed it down.
Anger can come from a lot of places, and it’s not always a bad thing.
In and of itself, anger is a sign that a boundary has been violated. It’s a message, and it lets you know that something in your environment needs to change. When it does its job, it protects you.
The person who is angry all the time is experiencing anger in an unbalanced way. Check out Understanding Your Relationship with Anger
They might react to everything quickly, become super defensive, blame others, shut down, or feel threatened easily.
The deeper emotions underneath this behavior might include hurt, fear, rejection, feeling unseen, or feeling powerless.
We might show anger instead of a more vulnerable feeling because it feels easier to express.
If you feel like you’re angry all the time, ask yourself:
What is this anger protecting?
What feeling comes before the anger?
What need isn’t being met?
Of course, understanding someone’s anger doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior.
It simply means getting curious and looking deeper.
4. The Perfectionist: “I Need to Avoid Failure”
I know a lot of people who would refer to themselves as perfectionists.
So many people bring it up in conversation.
“Oh, I’m a perfectionist. I have to do this. I have to have things this way.”
Someone who is a perfectionist might literally want everything around them to be perfect. They likely want everything they do to be perfect as well.
This can lead to procrastination because starting things feels overwhelming.
They might be extremely critical of themselves. They might feel like their mistakes define them. Check out How to Forgive Yourself: Getting Started
The deeper belief behind things like this could be something like:
“If I fail, it means something about who I am.”
Perfectionism is often less about striving for excellence and more about avoiding shame.
Ask yourself:
What are you afraid would happen if you weren’t perfect?
Whose approval are you trying to earn?
What would you allow yourself to try if failure wasn’t a reflection of your worth?
5. The Helper/Caretaker: “I Need to Feel Needed”
Some of us might feel the need to constantly be helping out. We might always ask if there’s anything we can do.
This person might always be cleaning or always taking care of someone or something.
They might take responsibility for others and take it upon themselves to try to fix other people’s problems.
Beneath the surface, this person might feel:
“If I am needed, I won’t be abandoned.”
Helping is a great thing. Lending a hand, being there for your friends and family, or just doing a good deed – there’s nothing wrong with it.
It’s a great thing to contribute.
However, there’s a difference between helping someone and losing yourself in someone else’s needs. Check out Respect Yourself: The Key to Confidence, Boundaries, and a More Fulfilling Life
If you can relate, you might want to ask yourself:
Would you still feel valuable if nobody needed you today?
Do you give because you want to, or because you hope it earns love?
6. The Avoider: “I Need to Protect Myself From Disappointment”
We might know someone who avoids doing things. I have certainly avoided doing things in my past.
This person might avoid taking risks or choose to stay in their comfort zone where it’s nice and safe.
They might not try because the fear of failure feels too overwhelming.
Someone who avoids things might keep people at a distance and never get too close.
These people might think:
“If I don’t try, I can’t get hurt.”
Avoidance often looks like laziness from the outside, but underneath it can be fear.
We might judge ourselves for not getting off the couch, not taking action, or not doing the thing we know we should do, but it’s not necessarily laziness.
Underneath all that could be fear of failure, disappointment, or not being enough. Check out Where Insecurities Come From, How to Heal Self-Worth and Build Self-Esteem
Some questions to ask yourself:
What are you protecting yourself from?
What would you do if you trusted yourself?
7. The Comparison Trap: “I Need Proof That I’m Enough”
Have you ever been on social media?
Just kidding, of course you have.
The comparison trap is real.
In this trap, we compare ourselves to others and what we perceive about them and who they present themselves to be.
We might measure our success against the success of others and measure our lives based on what other people are doing.
This can lead us to feel like we’re behind in life or cause us to seek external markers of success.
Usually, the underlying thought here is something like:
“If I can just reach where they are, I’ll finally feel secure.”
Questions to ask yourself:
Are you inspired by others, or are you using them as evidence against yourself?
What would change if you stopped measuring your worth?
Closing: Understanding Yourself Changes Everything
You don’t need to compare yourself to anyone.
Whether you feel like you want to achieve a lot, do things a certain way, or maybe you find your anger is getting in the way of living a normal life, the goal is not to criticize any of these behaviors, but to understand them a little more.
Behaviors like this developed for a reason.
These things were ways we learned to cope, survive, connect, or feel safe.
The thing is, sometimes the strategies that protected us in the past are the very things keeping us stuck now.
So the question isn’t:
“What’s wrong with me?”
The question is more like:
“What is this part of me trying to give me?”
Maybe the overachiever is looking for worth.
Maybe the people-pleaser is looking for acceptance.
Maybe the angry person is looking for safety.
Maybe the perfectionist is looking for reassurance.
And maybe the path forward isn’t becoming someone completely different.
Maybe it’s learning how to give yourself the things that you look outside yourself for.
Related Reads:
Boundaries and Standards: How to Identify, Enforce, and Embrace What’s Best for You,
Make Sure They Bring Value,
Let People Show You Who They Are,
It’s Your Show – The Reality of Main Character Energy
Resources If you’d like to learn more about closure, check out these links:
- Psychology Today: The Truth About Getting Closure
- Forbes: Why Your Brain Loves Closure Even When It’s a Lie – By a Psychologist
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