Emotional Regulation — Learning How to Stay With Yourself

When Emotions Feel Like Too Much

I can recall several times in my life when I felt hijacked by my emotions. It could be anything—the pressure to succeed academically, to make the right career choices, or to know what I wanted to do with my life. In any case, I would sometimes become overwhelmed by what I was feeling.

I remember when my therapist first told me to “sit with my emotions.” – it was a brand-new concept. At the time, I didn’t even know how to identify my emotions, let alone allow myself to feel them, sit with them, or understand what they were trying to tell me.
I had literally never thought to stay with my emotions and allow myself to feel them.

Looking back on times when I would seemingly go to everyone in my phone and ask for their opinion about what I was going through – while I’m not proud of it, I also can’t judge myself for it. At the time, I was doing the best I could with the tools I had. I was surviving. My nervous system was pretty haywire, and I really was doing the best I could.

If anyone can relate to this, it’s okay if you don’t know what to do with your emotions. You can always get to know them. It’s never too late.

What I can say about that experience is that it was exhausting. There were times when I genuinely questioned whether I was losing my mind – all because I didn’t know how to handle my emotions. I didn’t know how to look at things as facts without projecting onto them, creating meaning, and ultimately creating my own problem.

What Emotional Regulation Really Is

Emotional regulation begins when you’re able to identify how you’re feeling and also notice what triggered it. That awareness allows you to tend to yourself before you feel completely overwhelmed.
Regulation doesn’t mean immediately fixing how you feel. It means paying attention. It means trusting yourself enough to sit with your emotions without acting on them. Just noticing what’s there.

Pain, confusion, loneliness—these feelings are deeply uncomfortable. We all know that, however, next time they arise, try sitting with them for a moment. Notice how they feel in your body. Everyone experiences emotions differently, and yes, they’re uncomfortable—but discomfort doesn’t mean danger. It simply means you’re uncomfortable.

Feeling emotionally hijacked is incredibly common. Many of us were never taught how to handle our emotions in a healthy way. But the good news is, we can always learn.

What Emotional Regulation Is Not

There are a lot of misunderstandings around emotional regulation. Some people think it means handling emotions “better,” suppressing them, becoming toxically positive, or pushing through pain while ignoring emotional or physical symptoms.

Regulating yourself has nothing to do with that. In fact, what does it even mean to handle something “better”? That answer will be different for everyone.

Toxic positivity is not something I personally enjoy very much. I’m no professional, but sometimes it feels like toxic positivity borders on delusion, in an annoying way. It’s important to have a positive mindset, and in my opinion, it’s also important to be realistic.

I can tell you from experience that simply pushing through while ignoring your mental and physical health is never a good idea.

Also, feeling deeply is not the problem. You are always welcome to your emotions, whatever they may be. What we need to learn is how to put boundaries around them so we can express ourselves in ways that are healthy for us.

How Dysregulation Shows Up in Everyday Life

It’s easier to identify dysregulation in everyday life if you know what to look for. Sometimes it looks like overthinking conversations and replaying them over and over in your head, often followed by self-sabotaging questions like:
What did I do wrong?
What could I have done differently?
Was this my fault?

You might find yourself snapping at loved ones, withdrawing from friends or family, or isolating yourself—that’s dysregulation. You might notice a sense of urgency when there’s no real danger. Sometimes dysregulation looks like needing reassurance immediately.

You can often identify dysregulation by the presence of fear and uncertainty, especially when there’s no actual danger. Anxiety and depression are also examples of dysregulation.

One of the first ways to check in with yourself is to ask some simple questions:
Have I eaten today?
Have I had enough water?
Do I need to get up and walk around or stretch?
Did I get enough sleep?

These basic needs matter. A lack of any of them can contribute to dysregulation.
There’s no shame in this—it happens to everyone. What matters is how we handle it, with compassion and understanding for ourselves.

Why Emotional Regulation Matters

Emotional regulation is incredibly important, especially when practiced consistently. When emotions remain unchecked, they can run your decisions and your relationships. If you let them, unchecked emotions can become the driver of your life.

In contrast, when you’re regulated, the experience is very different. A regulated nervous system feels calm and steady.
When you’re calm and present, you’re more available in your relationships. You can respond thoughtfully and intentionally. A regulated nervous system has space to learn, be curious, and even have fun.

Learning What Regulation Feels Like for You

What does being regulated feel like for you? How are you most comfortable?
I’d encourage you to start simply by starting. The next time you feel upset or dysregulated in any way, sit with it and see what it’s telling you. Your emotions are always communicating something.

Think about what helps you feel calm. Is it lighting a candle? Going for a quick walk? Getting fresh air? Talking with a friend? Putting on music that helps you settle?
Getting grounded looks different for everyone. What matters is that you know what it looks like for you.

Small Shifts That Build Regulation Over Time

Some small shifts that can help with regulation include pausing before you react.

In conversation, take your time expressing how you feel and what you’re actually thinking. Conversations aren’t about talking just to take up space—they’re about conveying accurate ideas and feelings. That means you’re allowed to take your time. The person you’re talking with will likely appreciate that you’re being thoughtful and intentional.

Taking a minute to gather your thoughts gives you space to respond rather than react.

Another helpful practice is checking in with your body. Do a quick scan. Take a breath and notice what you’re feeling and where it lives in your body. Is anxiety in your chest? Your stomach? Do you feel energy in your hands or arms? Is your mouth dry? Are your palms sweaty?
Whatever you notice, let it exist without judgment.

What matters most is consistency, not perfection – don’t put pressure on yourself to do this a certain way. All you’re asking of yourself is awareness; know your intention and pay attention.

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Resources If you’d like to learn more about Emotional Regulation, check out these links:

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