We all want to be accepted by the group, included, and made to feel like we matter. It’s part of our evolution; at one point not being accepted by the group meant you lost safety and would likely get eaten by something. Now, the consequences aren’t so dire, but we still want to be accepted. It seems like sometimes there’s almost an unspoken idea that the more liked you are, the more value you have. For those of us who learned to attune to others early, or learned connection through caretaking, being liked by the group may feel specifically important. We may expect approval as a necessity. The problem with…
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I was trying to think of a time when I had to deal with a difficult person for the introduction of this post. Then I thought, how do I narrow it down? We have all dealt with a difficult person, whether it has been at work, at home, at the grocery store, or at the dining room table. Sometimes we just have differing opinions; other times it’s a matter of personalities that just don’t mesh. Either way, there are plenty of battles in life we just don’t have to participate in. Growing up, I had some bullies, and the girls in my class would exclude me (what felt like, exclusively).…
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Have you ever felt uncomfortable receiving a compliment? How about a heartfelt thank you, or praise for something you genuinely deserve? We’ve all been there. Sometimes we receive compliments and don’t know how to react. Other times, getting recognition can feel a little awkward—even when it’s given where it’s due. But have you ever thought about why this is? Why is it so hard to accept a compliment? Where did we learn this from? What would happen if you actually processed these kind words of celebration and allowed them to land? I’ve come a long way in learning about myself—understanding who I am, who I was, and the choice that…
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When navigating through relationships, in any capacity, it’s hard to know exactly what you’re going to get from one person. A lot of times people hide how they actually feel, they might favor politeness instead of realness, they might not even be aware of their behavior. There are a plethora of ways you can experience someone, and in my experience, you actually can get a preview of what they might have to offer—if you just listen to them. In everyday conversation, people tend to declare things about themselves. They want you to know how they identify, they want the things they feel strongly about to be known. I wrote another…
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I was talking with a friend the other day about how easy it is to just sit and scroll on your phone. You open it to check something, and suddenly fifteen minutes, a half hour, or more has gone by. There’s always something vying for our attention. Sometimes, we just focus on whichever voice is the loudest, object is the shiniest, or gossip is the juiciest — often without even realizing it. Other times, we might be feeling insecure, anxious, or uncertain. We question ourselves or worry if we did the right thing. For some, this kind of thinking leads to ruminating and spiraling into even more self-doubt. What you…
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Attention is the main currency in any situation. When you’re a child, you want your caregivers to look — look at what you did, look at what you found, look at you. As you get older, attention shows up as recognition in school or sports, where suddenly everyone is looking at you. When you are acknowledged in different areas of your life, people “take a look” at your accomplishments, and for a moment, the room’s attention is on you. Of course, things happen whether we are looking at them or not — but our attention to something, often in the form of physically looking, is what gives it weight, meaning,…
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Generally speaking, most people only ever think of a power move within the context of aggression or manipulation. In discussion, these moves are usually referenced when someone asserts dominance or control at the expense of someone else. In fact, this might be the only context where the term “power move” comes up. But—what if we chose to use our power to help people? To lift others up rather than push them down to “assert dominance”? The reality is, you can be more powerful than someone, and that standing never actually needs to be acknowledged. What if we thought of power moves differently? The Traditional View of “Power Moves” In my…
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Over the years, I’ve crossed paths with people who held different levels of responsibility in their work. They weren’t celebrities or familiar names, but they were people who played roles that shaped the companies and teams around them. Some had built decades-long careers, growing with their companies one step at a time. Some folks were just stepping into larger leadership roles. What stood out to me was never quite their title — it was how they showed up, what they brought to the table, and how they made other people feel. Once, I heard a man speak just before retiring after nearly fifty years with the same company. He had…
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When I first started talking with my therapist, one of the things he told me to look out for were patterns—patterns in myself and even patterns that I would notice in others. It wasn’t long before I noticed times where I would always respond one way or never do something in a specific situation. Sometimes, for instance, if I had any perceived rejection, I would resort to negative, unhelpful thoughts that might have served me at one time but don’t any longer. I would meet feelings of sadness and unworthiness and buckle in for a spiral through negative thoughts that I had as far back as childhood. Moments like this…
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I used to have a neighbor who was challenging to live next to. She would desperately seek attention from most people around her — including the neighbors — in very overt and obnoxious ways. I’m not sure why she behaved this way; I never actually talked to her about it. I eventually moved because it was best for my peace — all of that stimulus was aimed at me as well.While I was living next to her, I went through a series of emotions: annoyance, confusion, anger, rage — and eventually, understanding and neutrality. She would play her music loud for the entire courtyard to hear, put her things on…
