People-pleasers are often described as “nice”. Beyond nice, however, people-pleasers are sensitive, emotionally attuned and often deeply empathetic. The problem occurs when empathy becomes your way of survival; when you unconsciously believe that other people’s comfort is more important than your truth – it gradually depletes your self-worth.
People-pleasing is a survival strategy, and we do it out of fear – fear of disappointing others, fear of abandonment. Fear that if we don’t make other people happy; we aren’t lovable.
The Unseen Burden of Pleasing
If you were conditioned to view approval as the same as love, you likely learned that disappointing someone meant you would lose connection. In the past, you might have been punished, given the cold shoulder, or shamed. As a result, you learned to mold yourself into anything at any time, out of survival. You were always on alert, scanning other people’s emotions to make sure no one was upset. If someone was upset, that generally meant you weren’t safe or you were going to be abandoned. Eventually you learned to tend to people’s emotions and do what you could to maintain their happiness.
In giving all of this energy away to those around you, you began to forget about yourself.
Disappointment Is Not Danger
People pleasers view disappointment as rejection. They feel that look and that initial reaction from others as a direct response to who they are; to their enoughness. If you’re a people pleaser, disappointing someone is a triggering event that may leave you feeling worthless and unlovable. However, what you need to know is that disappointment does not equal rejection. This is when we remember that other people’s reactions are not our responsibility. More specifically, someone else’s frustration or sadness is not a threat to your worth or safety.
This is a difficult thing to remember when your nervous system associates disappointment with danger. Subsequently, you need to find a way to be okay with letting other people down. Building a tolerance for letting people down will help you live more intentionally by listening to yourself and prioritizing your needs.
What Tolerance Looks Like
Of course, when it comes to ‘letting people down’ you should certainly use your discretion and be as respectful as you can; it’s always wise to be considerate of other people’s feelings. And you can develop the capacity to let others have their feelings—without betraying yourself in response. That might look like not absorbing someone’s disappointment, or refraining from over-explaining or apologizing for your feelings.
The Inner Work
For people-pleasers, if you’d like to make changes within yourself with regards to your self-esteem, you’ve got to put in the work. People-pleasing is likely something you’ve been doing your whole life, so you need to be patient with yourself as you practice responding to people in a completely different way.
A few things you can do to get started include noticing:
- When you over-explain
- When you say yes, mean no, and then feel resentment afterwards
- When you feel anxious at the thought of someone being upset with you
After this, I often ask myself “What if I didn’t over-explain?”, “What if I said no?”, “What if I let them be upset with me?”
What is on the other side of those questions? I’ll take it a step further and ask – for instance, regarding over-explaining – are you afraid that the other person won’t understand you? If so, they can ask you a follow-up question. Are you afraid they might have the wrong idea about you? If so, they can ask for clarification. Let people have the responsibility for their side of the conversation. Let them have their own thoughts and present them to you, rather than making that step for them.
Remember that you’re not responsible for other people’s thoughts and feelings. Give them their own responsibility. Give yourself grace, and don’t listen to any thoughts of judgement that might come up; that means any thoughts that start with should, could, or would.
Practicing the Pause
Pause before you react, that’s when you make space to thoughtfully respond. Pause, take a breath and gather your thoughts. This is especially important when we are in a high anxiety situation, like if someone might be upset with us:
Pause before responding. Breathe.
- Acknowledge what you’re afraid of. “I’m afraid they’ll be upset with me.”
- Make sure you’re grounded. Remember that you can feel uncomfortable and still make healthy decisions
- Choose the response that honors your truth. Sometimes that might mean delaying your response until after you’ve had time to process.
- Let that person respond, and let them have their response. You don’t have to make alterations to how they feel.
Every time you allow someone to be disappointed without rescuing them, you are one step closer to creating a new habit absent of people-pleasing. You show yourself that your safety no longer depends on whether or not someone likes you.
It’s the end of this post, and that’s okay
Sometimes you’ve got to do what’s best for you. You can choose to not take the way someone else is feeling, personally. You are not responsible for how someone else feels or how they respond. Abandoning yourself to please others isn’t working for you anymore and it’s okay to prioritize your needs and your feelings.
Say no, decline the invitation, and put your needs first. Other people will be okay if you do what’s best for you.
You deserve to know what it’s like to really value your own approval, over the approval of others.
Related Reads: Respect Yourself: The Key to Confidence, Boundaries, and a Life You Love,
Embracing Authenticity: Why Being True to Yourself Matters, Self-Love: What It Really Means and How to Cultivate it in Your Everyday Life
Resources If you’d like to learn more about self-esteem and self-care, check out these links:
- Medical News Today- People-pleaser: What it Means and How to Stop
- Mayo Clinic: Building Self-esteem is an Important Part of Self-Care
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