When it comes to relationships, humans idealize each other in more ways than one. Idealizing others and setting unrealistic expectations is practically a built-in tendency – especially in relationships, friendships, workplaces, and with public figures. It’s fueled by cognitive biases, emotional needs, and sometimes it’s just good old-fashioned wishful thinking. However, it’s not always healthy – read on for more perspective on how to stop idealizing people.
Sometimes, idealizing is a survival strategy we learned in childhood. If you had caregivers who were inconsistent or unsafe, you may have idealized them to cope. Seeing them as “all good” felt safer than facing the truth. However, what helped us survive back then doesn’t always serve us now.
If never examined, this pattern follows us into adulthood – and we may find ourselves stuck in cycles of disappointment, confusion, and unmet expectations.
Why Do People Idealize Others? And some signs you might be idealizing someone.
- Projection of Desires – We see what we want to see in people rather than who they really are. This is especially common in romantic relationships and mentorships.
- Lack of Information – When we don’t know someone well, we tend to fill in the blanks with idealized assumptions.
- Media Influence – Movies, books, and social media glamorize “perfect” people and relationships.
- Emotional Dependence – We put others on pedestals when we believe they can fulfill our emotional needs.
- Fear of Disillusionment – It’s hard to face the truth when we’ve invested so much time and effort in a fantasy.
How Childhood Trauma and Idealization
- Searching for the Missing Piece – If you lacked love, safety, or validation as a child, you may search for someone out there to come and ‘save’ you, or ‘complete’ you.
- Fear of Abandonment – When you’ve experienced emotional neglect, you might ignore red flags to keep someone close.
- Parentification – If you were expected to take care of others as a child, you may believe that relationships require over-giving or idolizing.
- Black-and-White Thinking – Trauma can cause you to see others as all good or all bad. When the illusion breaks, the disappointment feels like betrayal.
- Fantasy as Escape – If childhood was painful, fantasizing about “perfect” people or “soulmates” may feel safer than reality.
Consequences of Idealizing Others
Think about this, how often are you upset with someone – not because of what they actually did -but because of what you were expecting them to do (or not do)?
Expecting someone to be the perfect friend, partner, or parent sets them (and you) up for failure. No one can hold the weight of someone else’s fantasy forever. That pressure damages trust, hinders connection, and has the potential to chip away at your own self-worth.
Oftentimes, those who idealize others are attracted to emotionally unavailable people. This pattern mimics the inconsistency of early relationships – unhealthy or not, it’s what they’re familiar with.
Warning Signs You’re Idealizing Someone
- You ignore red flags or make excuses for their behavior.
- You feel crushed when they act human or make mistakes.
- You downplay your own needs to keep them close.
- You overinvest emotionally in the idea of “what could be.”
How to Stop Idealizing People
- Name the Pattern – Notice when interactions feel forced or disappointing. Ask: Am I seeing this person clearly, or am I seeing what I want to see?
- Stick to the Facts – Ask yourself: What do I know for sure? What have I actually experienced? Be aware of your assumptions and let go of them.
- Reconnect with Your Inner Child – If you’re idealizing others, it might be because a younger version of you is still hoping someone will show up differently. Offer that child the love and safety you needed back then.
- Work with a Therapist – A mental health professional can help you explore patterns caused by childhood trauma and help you shift them in a safe, supportive way.
- Let People Be Human – Imperfection is not betrayal. It’s reality. Letting people be who they are – flaws and all – frees you to build relationships based on truth, not fantasy.
- Be Your Own Hero – Stop waiting for someone to come fix everything. You are the steady, loving, reliable presence you’ve always needed. Be compassionate with yourself. Show up consistently. Be the person now, that you needed back then.
Emotional Healing
Everyone idealizes others sometimes – it’s human. But when it becomes a pattern, it can erode your self-trust and lead to painful, one-sided relationships.
Awareness is the first step. Keep asking questions, stay grounded in facts, and practice seeing people as they are – not who you hope they’ll be.
You don’t need to find someone to come save you – you have everything you need right within yourself.
Related Reads: How to Fall In Love with Yourself, Where Insecurities Come From: How to Heal Self-Worth and Build Self-Esteem, Becoming It First: Creating the Life You Want
Resources: If you’d like to find out more about topics such as idealizing others, people pleasing, or childhood trauma check out these links:
- Psychology Today – How Childhood Trauma Becomes Part of Who We Are as Adults
- Psychology Today – The Process of Idealization
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