Stop Idealizing People – Why We Put Others on a Pedestal and How to Break the Cycle

by Susie on April 8, 2025

Posted in Mental Health and Self-Care, Perspective and Growth

Why Do We Put People on a Pedestal?

When it comes to relationships, humans idealize each other in more ways than one. Idealizing others and setting unrealistic expectations is practically a built-in tendency—especially in relationships, friendships, workplaces, and with public figures. It’s fueled by cognitive biases, emotional needs, and sometimes it’s just good old-fashioned wishful thinking.

Sometimes, idealizing is a survival strategy we learned in childhood. If you had caregivers who were inconsistent or unsafe, you may have idealized them to cope. Seeing them as “all good” felt safer than facing the truth. But what helped us survive back then doesn’t always serve us now.

If never examined, this pattern follows us into adulthood—and we may find ourselves stuck in cycles of disappointment, confusion, and unmet expectations.

Why Do People Idealize Others? And some signs you might be idealizing someone.

Projection of Desires – We see what we want to see in people rather than who they really are. This is especially common in romantic relationships and mentorships.
Lack of Information – When we don’t know someone well, we tend to fill in the blanks with idealized assumptions.
Media Influence – Movies, books, and social media glamorize “perfect” people and relationships.
Emotional Dependence – We put others on pedestals when we believe they can fulfill our emotional needs.
Fear of Disillusionment – It’s hard to face the truth when we’ve invested in a fantasy.

How Childhood Trauma and Idealization

Searching for the Missing Piece – If you lacked love, safety, or validation as a child, you may search for someone else to “complete” you.
Fear of Abandonment – When you’ve experienced emotional neglect, you might ignore red flags to keep someone close.
Parentification – If you were expected to take care of others as a child, you may believe that relationships require over-giving or idolizing.
Black-and-White Thinking – Trauma can cause you to see others as all good or all bad. When the illusion breaks, the disappointment feels like betrayal.
Fantasy as Escape – If childhood was painful, fantasizing about “perfect” people or “soulmates” may feel safer than reality.

Consequences of Idealizing Others

Be honest: how often are you upset with someone—not because of what they actually did—but because they didn’t meet your idealized expectation?

Expecting someone to be the perfect friend, partner, or parent sets them (and you) up for failure. No one can hold the weight of someone else’s fantasy forever. That pressure damages trust, connection, and self-worth.

And often, those who idealize others are attracted to emotionally unavailable people. This pattern mimics the inconsistency of early relationships—it feels familiar, even if it’s unhealthy.

Warning Signs You’re Idealizing Someone

You ignore red flags or make excuses for their behavior.
You feel crushed when they act human or make mistakes.
You downplay your own needs to keep them close.
You overinvest emotionally in the idea of “what could be.”

How to Break the Cycle of Idealization

Name the Pattern – Notice when interactions feel forced or disappointing. Ask: Am I seeing this person clearly, or through a lens of what I wish they were?
Stick to the Facts – Ask yourself: What do I know for sure? What have I actually experienced? Let go of assumptions.
Reconnect with Your Inner Child – If you’re idealizing others, it might be because a younger version of you is still hoping someone will show up differently. Offer that child the love and safety you needed back then.
Work with a Therapist – A mental health professional can help you explore patterns rooted in childhood trauma and shift them in a safe, supportive way.
Let People Be Human – Imperfection is not betrayal. It’s reality. Letting people be who they are—flaws and all—frees you to build relationships based on truth, not fantasy.
Be Your Own Hero – Stop waiting for someone to come fix everything. You are the steady, loving, reliable presence you’ve always needed. Be compassionate with yourself. Show up consistently. Be the person you needed.

Emotional Healing

Everyone idealizes others sometimes – it’s human. But when it becomes a pattern, it can erode your self-trust and lead to painful, one-sided relationships.

Awareness is the first step. Keep asking questions, stay grounded in facts, and practice seeing people as they are – not who you hope they’ll be.

Let this be a gentle reminder: you have all the answers you’ll ever need.

Resources: If you’d like to find out more about topics such as idealizing others, people pleasing, or childhood trauma check out these links:

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