Why It Hurts to Be Disliked
We grow up conditioned to believe that we need to be liked by the people around us. Society tells us – sometimes gently, sometimes not – that universal approval is the goal. We’re taught to please, to perform, to soften our edges in exchange for acceptance. We are never taught how to deal with, let alone be okay with rejection.
From school hallways to social media feeds, the message is clear: being liked means you’re safe, valued, and worthy.
But let’s zoom out for a second. Does that really make any sense?
There are over 8 billion people on this planet, each with their own histories, traumas, values, and perspectives. The idea that you will resonate with every single one of them is not only impossible – it’s exhausting. It’s silly. Still, many of us carry around this constant pressure to be liked by everyone we come in contact with. In this post, we’ll discuss how to be okay with rejection; you don’t need to people-please.
Rejection Isn’t New – It’s Ancient
It’s understandable to want to avoid rejection. Rejection stings, it’s never a pleasant experience. Evolutionarily speaking, being cast out from the group used to mean real danger – like, something might eat you level danger. We are wired to avoid danger and strive for connection.
So when someone doesn’t like us, or worse, openly disapproves of us, it triggers something ancient and primal in our nervous systems.
Today, the stakes are much lower. No one’s getting exiled into the wilderness just because the girl from accounting doesn’t vibe with your energy. And yet, that same superficial rejection has the potential to feel excruciating.
Rejection on any level can make us question ourselves and doubt our worth. The threat of rejection can cause us to go back to our old ways of performing and shape-shifting, just for a glimpse of approval.
It’s Not About You (Really)
So what do we do with that? How do we deal with not being liked? How do we curb our relentless yearning for outside approval?
Here’s where I want to offer a simple but radical idea: It’s not about you.
I know it feels personal. When someone gives you the side eye. When your invitation must have been ‘lost’ in the mail. The blatant shift in someone’s tone when you enter the room. It all feels intentional. Depending on what you’re looking for, it might be proof that you’re too much – or not enough.
But let’s pause.
And take a breath.
Every person you meet is living inside their own mental universe. Just like you, they’re juggling to-do lists, insecurities, traumas, beliefs, and inner critics. The truth is, people filter every interaction they have through a lens that has very little to do with you.
Imagine this: You’re checking out at the grocery store, distracted and tired. You manage a quick “thanks” to the cashier and head out. You don’t think about it again.
But maybe the cashier does. Maybe they assume you were rude. Maybe they wonder if they did something wrong. Sound familiar?
It goes both ways.
Why People’s Opinions Say More About Them
How someone treats you – whether its with love and care or with abandon and carelessness – is about them. It has all to do with their mood, their personal narrative, and their emotional triggers. If someone dismisses you, it doesn’t mean you’re unworthy. If someone praises you, it doesn’t mean you’re more worthy.
Your value is unrelated to other people’s opinions.
Now here’s an interesting concept – the other side of the coin that gets much less attention – if rejection isn’t personal, then approval isn’t either.
Even if you get the external approval from someone – that approval has nothing to do with you.
If someone likes you, it’s because you fit into what they find acceptable at that time. It’s not a universal truth about your goodness – it’s just compatibility. And compatibility is always changing.
Ever notice how people suddenly like you more when you have something they want? A new car, new promotion, new title. A new level of confidence. Their opinion of you shifts – not because you’ve changed, but because their needs changed.
Let’s take that a step farther just to be thorough: their opinion of you is based on their needs. In this scenario, you even experienced a life change and their opinion still has nothing to do with you.
That’s why attaching your self-worth to other people sets you up for failure. Something as important and invaluable as how you view yourself, should not be based in something so fluid and superficial.
Being Okay With Not Being Liked Starts With You
When you ground yourself in your own worth – when you stop performing and start being – you begin to see rejection for what it is, it’s an opportunity to learn and grow.
You begin to see approval for what it is: a reflection of other people. Even the sought after approval is separate from who you are, and unrelated to your worth.
Something worth mentioning on the topic of being liked vs. not liked – the closer you get to your authentic self – you will be polarizing.
Some people won’t like the boundaries you place with them. The insecure folks you meet wont like your confidence, your ambition or your outward expression of your dreams. People who previously benefited from your people-pleasing tendencies wont like your newfound empowerment. That is all okay; let them.
You were never meant to be for everyone.
You’re not a universal remote.
The most meaningful connections in your life will not be built on approval. These connections are built on honesty, energy, and resonance. They’ll find you when you stop chasing someone else’s idea of perfection and start standing in your truth.
How to Be Okay With Not Being Liked: A Recap
Let’s bring this home:
- Rejection isn’t always about you. Most of the time, it’s about them.
- Someone not liking you isn’t proof you’re wrong. It’s proof you’re human.
- Your job isn’t to be liked. Your job is to be you.
The right people will find you when you give yourself the space to express who you truly are.
Let those who don’t resonate fall away. Quit listening to those opinions that once drained your energy. Get to know who you are and start showing up as that person, rather than what you think you should be.
Because at the end of the day, the only relationship you’re guaranteed for life is the one you have with yourself.
So be kind to you. Speak gently to you. And like yourself enough to stop performing for people who never saw the real you anyway.
Who you are is much more beautiful than anything you can pretend to be – embrace it.
Related Reads: Where Insecurities Come From: How to Heal Self-Worth and Build Self-Esteem,
Stop Idealizing People – Why We Put Others on a Pedestal and How to Break the Cycle, Anger: Guide to Understanding, Healing, and Letting Go
Resources If you’d like to learn more about rejection and people pleasing, check out these links:
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