The Myth of Closure
When someone hurts us, we want an explanation. We want them to tell us why they did it, or how they feel. Sometimes, after an event, we get stuck trying to figure it out. We might spend hours ruminating, replaying conversations, and trying to pinpoint exactly the moment that things ‘went wrong’. It can feel like life is happening to us, rather than for us. What I’ve noticed is that the closure we’re looking for, that answer, that magic moment when everything suddenly becomes okay – it’s something you create for yourself. Closure is something you choose; closure is a boundary.
You can want closure about just about anything; a snub in line at the grocery store, a comment that was perceived the wrong way – even wanting a refund for an item that doesn’t work for you, is a resolution.
Achieving this insight can seem a bit daunting, but the concept is simple. This isn’t about suppressing your feelings or ignoring the past. It’s about choice. You choose where you lend your attention, and you choose where you spend your time – at some point, we must choose ourselves. Check out Not Everyone Is for You: Letting Go of the Need for Approval
A lot of folks, myself included, think about closure and it always seems like this mystical journey — I need to get closure. It can seem like some delicate thing that only happens when the stars align, or maybe even to other people.
In fact, a lot of us picture it as happening like a scene in a movie between two people. In this scene, likely, both people are giving each other the space to say what they need to say, the perfect ending unfolds and there’s background music and crying.
In real life though, it rarely happens that way.
While that type of path to resolution is possible, it’s more likely that things will happen and no one will give you the time to discuss your feelings. People will disappoint you, let you down, and be inconsiderate of your feelings and needs. They may not offer validation afterward that they only acted within their emotional limits, that what happened doesn’t speak to your value or your worth.
That’s the work you do yourself.
Closure When You Need It
I’ve experienced only a handful of apologies in my life. I’m not sure what the statistics are here, but if you’re anything like me, it’s not common to find someone super willing to take responsibility for their actions. Even so, the question becomes less about those that didn’t take accountability and more about how you move forward afterwards. How do you respond when something less than ideal happens? What do you do when a loved one lets you down?
Real perspective change comes from deciding that you don’t want to stick around in the mess the other person made for you – it means cleaning it up yourself.
It’s easy to think that type of closure comes from the other person. They caused your pain, didn’t they? It’s their responsibility to fix it, isn’t it?
Here we are going to remember that closure and justice are different things, and choose to focus more on our responsibility for our feelings. We can’t control another person, what they say, do, or feel – we can only control ourselves. So let’s start there.
While other people can certainly be cruel, it’s up to you to choose acceptance for yourself. Closure isn’t something you seek and that is granted to you. Walking down this road is never easy – but the hard truth is, no one can do it for you.
The journey to find yourself is scary and it’s painful, but everything on the other side is worth it.
The Hidden Theft: When Systems Rewrite Your Story
Harm can happen to anyone, at any time, and any place.
Harm can happen at home, at school, at work — anywhere — and generally other people are going to be involved. When abuse happens within a family or in a workplace, usually the idea is to move on as soon as possible for the betterment of the group. Check out Trust Your Gut: How to Identify the Signs of Abuse
If you came from an abusive home, maybe the adults around you invalidated your pain and told you to “just move on” or told you you were being “too sensitive”. The same concept can apply in adulthood, in everyday life.
The reality here is if a painful event happens to you, you feel that, and those feelings are valid and important. They matter. After you experience any type of trauma, you need to acknowledge it, process it, and move on in your own time.
The messages that we get from others after we experience something traumatic — like “you should move on”, or ,“you should be over this” are not helpful. When we tell ourselves “I need to let this go”, and we say it with judgement; that does not get us any closer to actually letting go.
Is shaming yourself for still feeling bad, supposed to make you feel better?
That type of language minimizes your own authorship over your own story. Maybe you do need more time to grieve. Maybe you do need one more cry. Maybe you are still angry.
That’s okay.
As long as you are actively working on your own healing and aware of your journey, your emotions can take as long as they need. You can be aware of your emotions and still move forward. You can cry and be angry — and still choose to let go.
Closure as Reclaiming the Narrative of Your Own Story
In fact, closure and the way you’re feeling emotionally are actually two different things.
I was having a conversation with my therapist the other day, and I told him a win I had since the last time we spoke: I learned that closure is a boundary. He responded and said closure means choosing “what you’re available for and what you’re not.”
Resolution is making the decision to continue feeling a certain way or not. Moving forward is changing the story that you tell yourself about what happened. It’s not about invalidating what happened. It’s not about ignoring or pretending that nothing happened. Part of this clarity is about acknowledging what happened to you and having your feelings, while at the same time understanding that it couldn’t have been any different.
When you choose closure, you decide that you are not available for allowing another person’s actions to influence your decisions. Check out Acting Out of Obligation
When you choose closure, you make the conscious decision to acknowledge that the other person was acting from their own limitations. You’re also choosing to give them their own responsibility for their actions. You’re choosing to take back your own responsibility for your actions, and you’re choosing the empowerment to stay with yourself in that decision.
We remember that boundaries are important. They carry information, and allow us to live our lives in the most free, comfortable way that we can – because we know what our limits are.
Boundaries are not meant to punish or teach a lesson. They’re not there to show somebody what they’re missing. Boundaries are your acknowledgment of what works for you and what doesn’t — what is yours and what isn’t, what you want more of and what you want less of.
And when it’s time for action, the boundary you create is also your choice in how you move forward from there.
The Truth Most People Learn Late
What do we do if we need closure and we know we aren’t going to get it?
The reality is you’re likely never going to have that conversation, and you’re never going to be validated – at least not by everyone that hurts you. It’s on the other side of that realization that you have a choice. Most people are actually aware when they won’t be seen by the one that hurt them, so what do you do then?
You choose.
Moving on is something that you – and only you – can choose. That choice is on the other side of understanding that you’re not going to get accountability. Most of us tend to stop there, at simply acknowledging that part. However, when you know that you can’t expect anything from that external source, then you get the opportunity to point the mirror back to yourself. Now, you are free to choose what you do next – you just have to understand that for yourself.
By the way, it’s okay to want things like accountability, remorse, and an honest conversation. However, it’s in the waiting for those things that you give your power away.
You take that power back when you decide to stop waiting.
What Closure Is Not
Just to be clear, I would like to mention what closure is not. When we choose closure, we are not pretending that nothing happened. What happened happened, and that’s valid. This isn’t about performance. We’re not going to forgive somebody before we’re ready. We’re not going to pretend like we’re not in pain or ignore or repress our feelings.
Choosing to move on here is not pretending that something is different so we and those around us can be more comfortable. Pretending is an act of self-abandonment, and it’s not helpful.
What Closure Actually Is
Instead, let’s talk about what closure actually is. Seeing someone for who they are – rather than who you hoped they would be – that’s closure. Observing, and learning and noticing patterns are part of it too. Getting resolution involves knowing how you feel, and being honest with yourself. Closing a chapter means accepting what happened, and letting go of the idea that it could have been any different.
Clarity isn’t a feeling. It’s a decision – and sometimes one that requires practice.
You can give yourself permission to feel all of your feelings, and move on. Choosing to let go is the release of pursuit — of waiting and fighting on. It’s the choice to stop doing that. Check out Healthy Detachment — What It Is (and What It Isn’t)
It’s the choice to value your own feelings and experience above getting validated from someone else.
So with this, you can stay in mourning, build walls, or carry resentment into unrelated spaces.
Or you can acknowledge the truth of what happened, allow the emotions to exist, and still choose to move forward.
It Was Never About Your Worth
I also want to take a moment to extend some compassion. There’s a lot that many of us live through. Even so, harm can be real and not define you at the same time.
Sometimes people let us down, but their limitations reflect their capacity, not your value. Another person may not have had the emotional abilities or tools to have handled the situation differently.
For instance, a selfish person will do selfish things regardless of who is present. A person who doesn’t have the emotional capacity to love deeply can only give you what they are capable of. None of those things have anything to do with you.
Understanding this isn’t an excuse, but it does free you from telling yourself the story that it could’ve been any different.
Closure as an Act of Self-Authorship
Closure is much more than some grand idea of forgiveness. It’s something that I think a lot of us felt was something we had to search for, or wait for, or keep fighting for.
Closure is a choice. It’s a conscious intention to move forward and let go of the past. It is the decision to not let things that once caused us pain continue harming us in our present moments.
Closure protects your energy, your peace, and your ability to maintain the narrative of your own story. We have the power to move on; we just have to choose it.
Related Reads:
Boundaries and Standards: How to Identify, Enforce, and Embrace What’s Best for You,
Make Sure They Bring Value,
Let People Show You Who They Are,
It’s Your Show — The Reality of Main Character Energy
Resources If you’d like to learn more about closure, check out these links:
- Psychology Today: The Truth About Getting Closure
- Forbes: Why Your Brain Loves Closure Even When It’s a Lie – By a Psychologist
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