I was talking with someone the other day who was telling me about an interaction they had. They said, “I should’ve thought of that then. Now I’m going to be thinking about it all day.”
Sometimes people do that. I’ve talked to a lot of people who replay conversations in their head, wishing they had said something differently, or imagining how they could’ve responded better.
I’ve done this too. There are times when I’ve looked back at a conversation and thought it could’ve gone differently, or second-guessed a decision I made. Even something small — like changing your hair, loving it, and still asking friends or family for approval.
We might over-explain; we might explain what we’re about to say before we say it. Someone asks a yes-or-no question, and we offer a paragraph anyway. That kind of constant justification is exhausting.
These are all examples of self-abandonment.
In those moments, we usually do know what’s right for us. We know what we want, we know what we need, and yet – we look to others for the final say.
It’s as if we value other people’s opinions more than our own internal knowing.
It’s like erasing the pages that say who we are and asking other people what we should write in their place.
If we want to learn to trust ourselves, we first have to notice when this is happening — and understand how important it is to simply turn our energy and attention back toward ourselves.
The Invisible Habit of Self-Abandonment
There are also smaller, everyday moments we might not even realize as self-abandonment.
Saying yes when we mean no. Ignoring our own discomfort because it feels inconvenient for someone else. Needing to use the bathroom but putting it off all day instead of taking five minutes for yourself.
Hearing that quiet intuitive voice telling you not to go somewhere, or not to say something — and doing it anyway because it would make things easier for someone else. Check out Learning to Let People Down: A People-Pleaser’s Guide to Disappointment
These are learned behaviors, they didn’t come out of nowhere. At some point in your life, they probably served a purpose; they may have helped you stay safe, connected, or accepted.
But you’re not in that season anymore.
And these habits may no longer be serving you.
Why Self-Trust Feels So Elusive
When we meet someone who seems to trust themselves, they often appear confident, grounded, or sure of who they are. We might assume they’ve got everything figured out.
But that’s rarely the case.
Most people don’t learn self-trust by having all the answers. They learn it by staying present with themselves.
When you pause before responding and ask how you actually feel, you choose yourself.
When you take a moment to consider what you want to say instead of rushing to please, you choose yourself.
And when you do this consistently — choosing yourself again, and again — you teach yourself something very important: I’ll be here for me.
Sometimes we outsource that sense of safety. We look for it in reassurance, validation, or other people’s opinions. Maybe we ask a friend the same question five different ways, hoping it will calm us down.
Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.
Either way, constant reassurance is only a substitute for being loyal to yourself.
Stopping Self-Abandonment Changes Everything
A lot of people put pressure on themselves during healing. They think they need to feel a certain way, or be a certain version of themselves to be “doing it right.”
But the only way you have to be is exactly how and who you are right now.
Ask yourself, as you are:
What do I need?
How do I feel?
What makes me comfortable?
What doesn’t?
There’s information there.
Honoring yourself doesn’t require a big, dramatic decision, comiting to 30-day challenge, or a complete overhaul of your life. It can start with something simple.
You could just start by being honest with yourself.
And if being fully honest feels like too much, start with something small. That honesty still counts, in fact – it’s everything.
Self-Trust Is Built in Small, Ordinary Moments
So what does this look like in the day to day?
It might look like slowing down in conversation — giving yourself permission to pause, think, and gather your thoughts before responding.
It might look like letting an uncomfortable emotion exist without immediately fixing it, judging it, or running from it. The next time a feeling comes up, see what happens if you let it sit for a moment. It’s trying to tell you something.
This builds trust too. You learn that you can hold discomfort and still be okay when it passes.
Another way is making decisions based on what you value and how you feel — and standing beside yourself afterward, even when it’s hard.
Be steady in your decisions. Remember why you made them. You made them with your well-being in mind, and that matters.
Recognizing the Trust You’ve Already Built
If you notice that you’ve abandoned yourself a lot, or that you seek external validation often, you’re not alone. Many people are there — or have been.
The difference now is that you know the antidote.
You can choose yourself.
And then choose yourself again.
And keep showing up in small ways that teach you, over time, that you can trust you.
Even noticing where you abandoned yourself in the past can help you see where you can choose yourself moving forward. Check out Reclaim Your Power: Why We Give It Away and How to Take It Back
This isn’t about perfection. Emotional responses are proof that you’re human. There’s nothing wrong with them.
You’ll Find It
Growth takes time. Learning yourself takes time. Acting on what you know about yourself takes time, too.
Don’t judge yourself.
You’re not behind.
You’re exactly where you need to be.
Related Reads:
- Understanding Validation and How to Cultivate it for Yourself ,
- How Does That Make You Feel: How to Check In With Your Emotions,
- Make Sure They Bring Value
- People Will Tell You Who They Are
Resources If you’d like to learn more about self-trust and self-abandonment, check out these links:
- Psychology Today: Stop Abandoning Yourself: 10 Habits to End Now
- PsychCentral: Why We Abandon Ourselves and How to Stop
Want more content like this? Subscribe to the newsletter for more insights on the journey to confidence, gaining clarity and understanding, increasing your awareness, and living your authenticity.
If you found value in this post, share it with your friends!
