Everyone experiences pain at some point in their life. Whether you’re talking about things like loss, or disappointment, or learning that your best friend really isn’t a friend to you after all – pain from these moments teaches us something. Everyone reacts differently to painful lessons; some folks take it in stride and use that discomfort to create meaningful change in their lives. Others hold on to the pain, and sometimes they take protective measures to ensure they don’t get hurt again. In this post, we’ll discuss the difference between walls, barriers and boundaries.
When it comes to protecting ourselves and our emotional wellbeing, many of us instinctively put up defenses. Keep in mind, however, that not all defenses are created equal. Barriers and walls are meant to be helpful, but if you’re not consciously monitoring these safeguards, you could miss out on living your life. On the road to keeping yourself safe, there are some big differences between walls, barriers, and boundaries. Understanding those differences can make a huge difference on your journey and the quality of your experience.
You might be navigating relationships, healing from past trauma, or simply learning to prioritize your needs, and the way you protect yourself matters. In this blog post, we’ll take a look at the distinctions between walls, barriers, and boundaries and explore why gaining clarity in this area can help you handle tough situations and take better care of your relationships.
What Are Emotional Walls?
Walls go up when we’ve been hurt, especially when we’ve been hurt bad. We use walls as a way to stay far away from potential pain, or the memory thereof. They also aid us in avoiding certain aspects of life that might be a little too uncomfortable. We build walls out of fear and self-protection. They generally serve their purpose of making us feel safe, but they also tend to starve us of new experiences by stifling our joy and curiosity.
Here are some examples of what building walls looks like:
- You shut down and go silent, instead of communicating your needs
- You assume that someone is going to hurt or disappoint you
- You push people away before they get too close
- You avoid asking for help or expressing vulnerability
Walls can feel safe, but they are also isolating. Over time, they can harden into emotional distance or detachment, and make it harder for us to experience intimacy or trust.
What Are Barriers?
Barriers are also a result of having been hurt. Putting up a barrier is another way to create distance between you and what hurt you, and making sure that thing doesn’t happen again. We generally put up barriers unconsciously, and as a result run this risk of those barriers getting in the way, just like walls do. This defense mechanism can arise from internalized beliefs like not asking for help, feeling like you’re a bother, or handling everything on your own. After so long, barriers can manifest as avoidance, defensiveness, or control.
Barriers are usually:
- Stem from unhealed emotional wounds
- Are inflexible and based out of fear
- Designed to prevent discomfort at all costs
- Often unnoticed until we feel stuck, confused, or resentful
While barriers can mimic boundaries, they are often a little more aggressive, as their roots come from negative feelings such as anxiety, shame, or perfectionism. We create our barriers as a way to prevent more harm from coming to us, but without healing the underlying problem, barriers can keep us locked into roles we never consciously chose.
What Are Healthy Boundaries?
Boundaries, on the other hand, are intentional, conscious, and super helpful. Boundaries are great, we love boundaries. Healthy boundaries are not a way to keep people out, they are a way to allow others to interact with us in a way that is comfortable for us. They are the lines we draw to protect our wellbeing, and facilitate connection with others in a positive way.
Below are some thoughts on healthy boundaries:
- They are rooted in self-awareness: the more you know yourself, the more you know how you respond in certain situations, the easier it is for you to understand what your boundaries are.
- Healthy boundaries are flexible and responsive: boundaries are all about what you are okay with. You create a boundary to allow in what you want and keep out what you don’t want and sometimes those things are fluid. You can change your mind at any time.
- It is best to communicate your boundaries clearly and calmly: stating a boundary is like stating a fact about you. Stating that you don’t eat meat can be shared the same way you tell someone what time it is. Boundaries are nothing to be embarrassed about.
- In relationships, honoring boundaries is an act of mutual respect.
When you set a boundary, you’re not pushing anyone away – you’re inviting them into a relationship with you based on parameters that work for you. Meeting someone inside of your boundaries allows you to feel safe enough to really be yourself and open up to them – it’s when you’re most comfortable. Stating your boundaries exhibits honesty, emotional safety, and shared responsibility. Boundaries make space for connection to flourish and grow, while the lack of boundaries creates the opposite reaction.
Examples of healthy boundaries:
- “I’m not available to talk after 8pm.”
- “I need time to process before continuing this conversation.”
- “I can’t take that on right now, but I hope you find the support you’re looking for.”
Why Knowing the Difference Matters
Even though we all get hurt from time to time, it’s important to remember the most important part is starting again. If we happen to have picked up a wall, or a barrier along the way – that’s okay; we can always make the choice to heal our wounds and let down those walls little by little. Understanding whether you’ve built a wall, a barrier, or a boundary is good insight. Below are a few reasons why:
- Walls protect, but they often isolate. With your walls up, you might feel safe, but you might also feel lonely or disconnected.
- Barriers control, but they often confuse. You might feel in charge with your barriers, but you might also be overwhelmed, feel stuck, or be misunderstood by others.
- Boundaries honor. Boundaries respect your energy and the relationship. They protect connection, your wellbeing and your values – not just your level of comfort.
If you’ve never sat down to think about whether you’re working with walls, barriers or boundaries then, you might want to do that. Sometimes, if we’re not paying attention, we may confuse these three things. This confusion can manifest itself in actions that look like:
- Ghosting people instead of expressing what you need
- Say yes out of guilt, or obligation then feeling resentful and frustrated afterward
- Micromanaging others instead of letting go
- Shutting down and pushing other people out
How to Start Choosing Healthy Boundaries
If you suspect you’ve been relying on walls or barriers, here’s how you can start shifting toward healthier boundaries:
- Pause and Reflect: When you feel reactive, ask: What am I afraid of? Am I protecting myself from harm, or from discomfort?
- Name Your Needs: Boundaries begin with clarity about what you need to feel safe, grounded, and respected.
- Start Small: Practice setting boundaries in low-stakes situations. Boundaries are a skill—you get better with practice.
- Use Compassionate Communication: You can be firm and kind. Boundaries don’t require explanations, you can just be honest about what you need..
- Get Curious: If a certain boundary feels hard to set, ask yourself what story your telling yourself about it or why you feel resistance with this boundary.
Walls, Barriers and Boundaries, Oh My!
Walls and barriers are often born from painful experiences and are an effort to stay safe. They may have served us when we needed to protect ourselves, yet they are not sustainable. These defenses often come with unwanted consequences, like loneliness. Boundaries, on the other hand, not only keep us safe, but provide us a way to be curious and flourish in our relationships and live our best life.
Learning to recognize the difference in your defense responses is an act of emotional maturity and deep self-respect. It takes courage to lower your walls, examine your barriers, and replace them with boundaries based on your truth.
Related Reads: Respect Yourself: The Key to Confidence, Boundaries, and a Life You Love,
How to Be Okay with Rejection: You Don’t Need to People Please, Understanding Emotions: The Key to Personal Growth and Healing
Resources If you’d like to learn more about boundaries and how they affect your relationships, check out these links:
- Positive Psychology: How to Set Healthy Boundaries and Build Positive Relationships
- Harvard Business Review: A Guide to Setting Better Boundaries
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