When navigating through relationships, in any capacity, it’s hard to know exactly what you’re going to get from one person. A lot of times people hide how they actually feel, they might favor politeness instead of realness, they might not even be aware of their behavior. There are a plethora of ways you can experience someone, and in my experience, you actually can get a preview of what they might have to offer—if you just listen to them.
In everyday conversation, people tend to declare things about themselves. They want you to know how they identify, they want the things they feel strongly about to be known. I wrote another blog post on a similar concept, Let People Show You Who They Are, and this post might even be a precursor to that one. Even before someone shows you who they are, they will likely tell you first.
While it’s possible, even likely, that we tend to hear something we might not like through a filter that makes it better, it’s important that you don’t add meaning, make excuses, or ignore what they tell you. Your job is to believe them.
Why We Dismiss What People Say About Themselves
Personally, I’ve had to live this one out several times before I finally learned my lesson. Whether it was in high school, when I was friends with a girl who told me she didn’t deal well with rejection and then eventually stalked me. Or the guy in college that I liked told me I didn’t want to date him and then proceeded to show me zero respect in every way possible. Or—there have been several occasions where I would make friends with a girl who would declare how good she was at “being a mean girl.” Well guess what—none of them were lying.
People will tell you the truth about themselves in some form or another, whether it’s in casual conversation, when they’re around a large group, or maybe during an argument.
Many times, when someone we feel strongly about tells us something about themselves that paints them in a bad light, we don’t want to hear it. So, because we already care—what do we do? We tend to give them the benefit of the doubt, or we might be hopeful for better from them and ignore the statement altogether.
When we want something to be a certain way, and it isn’t, we tend to make up excuses. Most of us, even if we don’t realize it, project onto that person. We think about how we would be if we were them, and tend to leave our assumption with the projection.
“I’m Just Joking” — The Role of Casual Confessions
So what does it look like when people tell you? Do they just come right out and tell you, “I’m messed up, you don’t want to date me,” or “I’m a mess,” or “I can be really spiteful”?
Yes, actually—sometimes they do.
One common way of conveying these thoughts is through a “joke.” They might use humor to soften what they’re saying. They might tell you how disorganized or unsuccessful they are in a sarcastic or self-deprecating way.
Jokes tend to allow the speaker to say things in a roundabout way, to avoid the risk of rejection in real time. People may try to tell you, without telling you, to see how you’ll react first.
Ideally, you want to respond by deciding if you want to continue moving forward in your relationship with this person. Sadly, we might overlook this data and move on toward learning “the hard way” that they told us what to expect upfront—we just didn’t listen.
When Words Are a Warning, Not a Cry for Reassurance
There’s a difference between someone sharing vulnerability and someone naming a pattern. When someone wants to talk with you and make you aware of how they feel and share a bit about who they are, that’s emotional honesty. It feels different than someone simply declaring something about themselves.
After someone is emotionally honest with you, the connection feels stronger, you feel closer to this person, and you understand them more. If they simply name a pattern, “I don’t like most people,” that’s data. It doesn’t feel like anything more than learning new information, although it might not be something you want to hear.
It’s not about someone seeking reassurance either, just for good measure. If someone is feeling insecure and they declare that they’re maybe not as attractive as someone else, that’s fishing for validation. Notice the difference between conversations when someone simply wants to be validated versus when they are genuinely telling you something of value.
Being present, actively listening, and being honest with yourself can be helpful here. If the person you’re seeing tells you they don’t know how to act in crowds, take that as data. If they tell you they get irritated super easily if they are tired, and they never clean up after themselves, expect that from them in the future.
Listening Without Trying to Fix, Correct, or Redeem
When you’re listening to them, really listen. Hear what the other person is telling you without needing to edit what they’re saying in your mind.
Really listen—they’re giving you data. If what they’re telling you is a red flag, believe them. It’s not unkind to acknowledge something about someone as fact if that’s the case. Sometimes people just are who they are, and our job is to decide if we want more or less of them in our lives.
Being honest here and approaching your relationship with clarity helps prevent resentment later.
Compatibility Is the Question, Not Morality
We all ignore red flags, but why? We want to see what we want to see, sure—but what if you just accepted that not everyone is for you? That’s the truth. It’s not necessarily good or bad, it just is.
Make Sure They Bring Value
The goal here isn’t judgment, necessarily—but you do want to judge if you want this person to be in your life. Here, it’s important that we weigh the differences between character traits versus chemistry. It’s about choosing someone who aligns with your values rather than the potential that you see in them. If you can get to a point where you accept what people tell you about who they are, you can avoid a lot of heartache in the future.
Closing Reflection: Believe What You’re Being Told
Words are powerful, and they’re information. If someone says something about themselves, believe them. Hoping harder isn’t going to change anything about them. Being clear on what you want and who is in front of you is a form of kindness—to yourself and to them.
And the reality is, you don’t need more evidence after someone has told you the truth.
Related Reads:
Make Sure They Bring Value,
Let People Show You Who They Are,
You’re Free to Explore: Let Your Options Be Open-Ended,
Don’t Take it Personally
Resources If you’d like to learn more about not taking things personally and exploring further, check out these links:
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