The Myth That Closure Comes From Resolution
I think many of us are taught in some form or another that closure comes when we get justice. We’re taught that after there’s a resolution, an understanding, conversation, acknowledgment — that’s when closure happens.
That would be the justice version of closure that’s nice and complete and has a clear beginning and end point. That’s the ideal version of closure that happens when an event occurs that later actually gets remedied.
In real life, however, we don’t always get remedies. We already know that you’re not always going to get the apology that you expect. People don’t always acknowledge what they did, and maybe at some point you realize you’re responsible for your own peace, and your own moving on.
When closure still happens, but not in the justified version that’s clean with a buttoned-up resolution, it can show up in other ways. Sometimes you realize you are going through closure when you feel the grief that comes along with it.
When the Ending You Needed Never Happens
This can happen in any example of times where you need closure. Maybe you experienced consistent abuse at home, at school, or at work. Maybe you were in a relationship that ended suddenly and with no explanation. You might need closure from a specific incident that happened between you and someone that you thought could be trusted.
Anytime that apology never comes or that accountability never comes, it can feel like you’re on a bit of an emotional pause.
It can feel like you’re stuck in these moments of questioning everything you did, everything they did, and everything that happened. For some of us, these romantic thoughts are what keeps us tethered to the event, and they can also be what gives our power away.
Sometimes we know that we’re not going to get a resolution.
The Hidden Belief That Keeps People Stuck
Many people unknowingly hold the equation that closure equals fairness. So when that fairness and that justice never comes, the nervous system keeps waiting. It waits for a validation of what happened and that your emotions were valid. It can be waiting for a recognition that you’re hurt and that you didn’t deserve to be hurt.
Your nervous system might want a correction of the narrative, but closure isn’t something someone grants you — it’s something that you allow yourself to have.
It’s incredibly powerful to make the choice and take the responsibility for your own peace, to move on without that piece of the puzzle that you’re looking for. When you tell yourself the story that “they knew exactly what they were doing”, or “I should’ve been treated differently”, or “this should’ve happened”, or “that should’ve happened”, even if it’s true — that type of thinking keeps you tied to the person or event that cost you harm. It keeps you from your power.
Maybe they did to you wrong on purpose. Maybe they knew exactly what they were doing. But it’s your job to frame that for yourself in a way that works for you rather than keeping you under their power.
The Shift — Closure as Mourning Instead of Proof
When we talk about mourning and grief and closure, we’re referring to a lot of different moving parts.
Depending on what you’re talking about, maybe you thought you found your dream job that you would retire from, and then something changed and you no longer feel that way. In this case you would be mourning the way you initially felt about your job. You’re mourning the person you were when you accepted the position and were full of hope and promise and potential. You’re grieving what you thought you could’ve had, and you’re not going to have now from that particular place.
Maybe you were in a romantic relationship that ended abruptly. There’s a lot of possibility that’s no longer an option. In this case, you’re mourning the person who you were when you were with your partner. You’re mourning all of the things that you thought about them that you no longer feel.
There’s actually a lot of grief that comes along with mourning and closure. There is sadness that comes with accepting reality as imperfect — and oftentimes not what we were expecting.
What This Kind of Closure Actually Feels Like
This kind of closure is not dramatic, it’s not triumphant, and it’s not some movie scene. This type of closure is, a lot of times, very quiet and small.
It can look like being sad without being willing to argue. It often looks like accepting without agreeing or being able to understand the situation without making excuses.
Grief can look different for everyone. For me, it can look like crying at random times or just being low energy and feeling sad and knowing exactly why.
The sweet spot is that feeling of being sad and knowing why, and holding both of those truths at the same time. That’s closure.
The Moment Closure Quietly Arrives
It is easy to hold onto that old mindset, though. It really is. The nervous system wants justice, closure, and buttoned-up reality because it has a clear beginning, middle, and end. But we know that it doesn’t always work that way. When we are able to hold our feelings and the truth of what happened at the same time, we might notice some other things about our behavior as well.
You might notice that you replay the incident less in your mind. You might notice that you feel less of a need to explain yourself or what happened. Closure looks like a little bit more quiet space in your mind because you’re not rehearsing conversations that aren’t going to happen or expecting a moment that will never come.
You can tell that you’re experiencing closure because anything related to the person or event loses its urgency. You don’t feel that feeling of anxiety or need to act quickly when it comes to your memory. In fact, when you remember what happened you might notice that your body doesn’t tense up anymore, or you otherwise still feel pretty calm throughout that memory. In addition, the need to prove yourself, understand, or get what you wanted from that person eventually fades as well.
What You Gain When You Stop Waiting for Justice
Walking with yourself through this process of closure and grief after trauma is no easy task. However, nothing worth doing is ever easy.
Strengths and skills that are built are not done so effortlessly. Growth is often painful.
When you finally get to the other side of your closure and your grief, you will notice that you’re different. Through this experience you’ll have found trust in yourself and your ability to take care of yourself no matter what. You might have increased self-awareness, and you know things about yourself that you didn’t know before. You might find that you’re a little less afraid of new experiences or new people or new conflict. Getting through a process such as this teaches you your own emotional steadiness. And it teaches you a bit more about being mindful.
Closure Isn’t a Victory, It’s a Release
Closure as a process can look a lot of different ways for a lot of different people and a lot of different situations. The reality though, for many of us, is that we never get the accountability or apology that we’ve been waiting for. Many of us will wait around and waste our precious time of our lives hoping that someone else grants us closure, when really it’s something that we find for ourselves.
Grief that follows closure with no clear resolution has a lot of stages and feelings attached to it.
Grief can look like sadness that doesn’t need to take action. It could be mourning the loss of what could’ve been, the loss of what was, and all the other ideas you had in your head.
When we grieve, we grieve many things at once.
Then, on the other side of grief, we learn things about ourselves. We walk through the flames, and we become much stronger on the other side. More refined.
Sometimes, in order to grow, you have to grow through.
But the pain of the work that you suffer, with the intention of coming out better on the other side – is always worth it.
Related Reads:
How to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Energy: A Guide for Empaths,
Understanding Validation and How to Cultivate it for Yourself ,
Give Yourself the Right Conditions to Grow,
Acting Out of Obligation,
Resources If you’d like to learn more about closure and grief, check out these links:
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