Anger: A Guide to Understanding, Healing, and Letting Go

by Susie on March 29, 2025

Posted in Mental Health and Self-Care, Perspective and Growth

The Purpose of Anger

I never allowed myself to feel anger until I was about twenty-five. Of course, I got angry, I felt full of rage at more than one time in my life up until that point – but I never allowed myself to be consciously aware of my anger. If I happened to get angry, I would just wait for that emotion to calm down and distract myself with something else. I repressed my anger for a very long time, until I eventually realized what I was doing. I had no idea that understanding and healing anger was so important.

I acted this way as a result of my conditioning; it was easier for certain caregivers and authority figures in my life to be around me if I was pleasant. However, this conditioning came at the cost of my emotional well-being. I was taught that expressing my anger was bad, and it was better if I just kept a smile on my face and stayed silent.

I think anger is one of those emotions many of us are taught to suppress. Many of us receive the messages that anger is bad and should be avoided. Some of us were taught to question our anger, and pass it off as unimportant. For some of us, we were never taught how to properly identify our anger, let alone how to regulate it.

The reality is, being angry isn’t “bad” at all. Anger is a natural part of the human experience. While there are misconceptions surrounding anger for a myriad of reasons, healthy anger is actually really useful tool in gaging things like how well your boundaries are being respected, or if there is a change that needs to be made. Anger, like all of our emotions, is trying to tell you something. Read on to learn more about understanding anger and healing anger, along with ways to manage it in a way that benefits you.

Emotional Triggers and Anger

Anger doesn’t come out of nowhere, it is generally brought on by specific triggers. If you pay attention, you’ll find that these triggers are likely a part of an emotional pattern. Do you respond to the same things in the same way? Or, do you find that there are commonalities in how you respond to one particular subject matter? This emotional pattern is shaped by past experiences and pain that has been left unresolved. Recognizing these patterns is the first step in gaining a greater awareness of your emotions.

Ask yourself:

What makes me mad, every time?
What are some times when I get angry that I can describe using absolutes, like “always” or “never”?
- For example: I always get mad when the neighbor makes noise, or I never respond well when someone gets an attitude with me.
Why do I feel this way?
What am I expecting to happen in these instances, vs. reality?

Sometimes, anger is a signal that a personal boundary has been crossed or a painful memory has been brought to the surface. You may feel anger as a result of unmet expectations, or as a sign that you’re dysregulated and need to take care of yourself. Much of the time, as I’ve learned in therapy – anger represents a perceived injustice. Maybe someone dismissed you, or responded in a way that you attached a specific meaning to. There are some questions to ask yourself to get to the bottom of what you’re feeling.

Unresolved Trauma and Anger

Once you recognize your triggers, it’s important to ask: Why is this affecting me so strongly?

Why am I angry?
What am I afraid of?
What injustice do I feel that I am experiencing (i.e. what should have happened)?
How else can I look at this situation?

Keep asking yourself questions, keep thinking about alternative answers and be open to anything that comes up for you. The more time you spend in quiet reflection, the more answers your subconscious will bring up for you.

How to Manage Anger

Anger has the potential to breed blame – toward others or ourselves. It also has the potential to invite victim mentality and black and white thinking. This person should have done this, or shouldn’t have done this, or I wouldn’t have ‘x’ if this person wouldn’t have ‘y’. In life, things happen – however, by shifting our perspective, we can change how we experience it.

Consider different perspectives around the situation, what if I looked at it differently? And differently again? How would I respond if I didn’t let it bother me?
What does this actually have to do with me?
Is anger the most appropriate response here?
How am I feeling right now?

By asking yourself these questions, we open our minds to other perspectives – and (while it may take some practice) we detach from our anger.

Forgiveness and Healing

Letting go of anger doesn’t mean forgetting, or condoning – it means prioritizing your peace. At least in part, it means forgiveness.

Feel the anger fully – Always allow yourself to feel your emotions. Acknowledge your emotions and sit with them. Avoid the temptation to distract yourself or get up and take action – just sit with your anger and observe it. Remove yourself from the situation if you need to.
Care for your body – Anger is very much felt in your body – go for a walk, lift weights, do some yoga, get some food – let yourself calm down.
Reflect – Why am I holding on to this anger? What am I telling myself about what happened?
Forgive – Forgive the other person, not for them, not on any conditions, but fully. Don’t forget to forgive yourself.

Forgiveness is a personal decision to accept the humanity of yourself and others. It’s the choice to understand that imperfect things happen, and move forward even with that understanding.

Using Anger for Growth

Anger holds insight. When you notice it coming up for you, ask yourself:

What do I know for a fact?
What was I expecting?
What are my thoughts surrounding this situation?

Perhaps your anger is asking you to speak up for yourself, to acknowledge pain you’ve ignored, or to draw a line you’ve been afraid to enforce. Whatever it is -there’s a message behind it.

Owning Your Emotions and Reclaiming Peace

Anger isn’t bad – it’s just information. When you stop fearing your anger and start seeing it as an opportunity to learn, you get one step closer to your authentic self. You can use your anger as a tool for finding clarity, for seeing how strong you really are and the overall transformation that happens when we start living our lives authentically.

Anger is an emotion, just like the rest of them – and just like the rest of them, it’s trying to tell you something. Be open to what messages it may bring, and be curious as to how you can use these experiences to improve your mindset.

It can be tempting to find distractions, but the next time your anger rises – sit with it. Acknowledge your anger, learn from it and thank it for helping you learn more about yourself.

Because your peace is more powerful than your pain. And when you make peace with yourself, the rest of the world begins to reflect that back to you.

Resources If you’d like to learn more about anger, check out these links:

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