I was talking with someone the other day who was telling me about an interaction they had. They said, “I should’ve thought of that then. Now I’m going to be thinking about it all day.” Sometimes people do that. I’ve talked to a lot of people who replay conversations in their head, wishing they had said something differently, or imagining how they could’ve responded better. I’ve done this too. There are times when I’ve looked back at how a conversation could’ve gone differently, or second-guessed a decision I made. Even small, personal decisions – like changing your hair, loving it, and still asking friends or family for approval. We might…
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There have been many times when I felt angry and wanted to make a comment, yet I refrained. Sometimes it was a conscious choice, and sometimes there was a small voice in the back of my mind saying, don’t say that. Similar to Dealing with Difficult People: Don’t Give Them Your Energy, every time I listened to that voice and chose not to engage; it was a good call. Especially in stressful situations – for example, if someone is trying to provoke a reaction – giving yourself a moment to think before responding builds self-trust. Being present allows you to see yourself as separate from what’s happening. Building self-trust doesn’t…
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When Emotions Feel Like Too Much I can recall several times in my life when I felt hijacked by my emotions. It could be anything – the pressure to succeed academically, to make the right career choices, or to know what I wanted to do with my life. In any case, I would sometimes become overwhelmed by what I was feeling. I remember when my therapist first told me to “sit with my emotions” – it was a brand-new concept for me. At the time, I didn’t even know how to identify my emotions, let alone allow myself to feel them, sit with them, or understand what they were trying…
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Before getting to know myself, detachment was not something that was available to me. Realistically, detachment was something I had heard about on YouTube. I learned about the idea of it from Buddhism, but I had never felt this for myself or experienced the freedom that comes with it. It seems like the idea of detachment has several different interpretations among people. Some of us might feel uncomfortable with detachment because it means letting go. If we detach, do we not care? Does that mean we’re being cold? How will our detachment be perceived? Not to mention, detaching from someone or something also means letting go of control over the…
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We all want to be accepted by the group, included, and made to feel like we matter. It’s part of our evolution; at one point not being accepted by the group meant you lost safety and would likely get eaten by something. Now, the consequences aren’t so dire, but we still want to be accepted. It seems like sometimes there’s almost an unspoken idea that the more liked you are, the more value you have. For those of us who learned to attune to others early, or learned connection through caretaking, being liked by the group may feel specifically important. We may expect approval as a necessity. The problem with…
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I was trying to think of a time when I had to deal with a difficult person for the introduction of this post. Then I thought, how do I narrow it down? We have all dealt with a difficult person, whether it has been at work, at home, at the grocery store, or at the dining room table. Sometimes we just have differing opinions; other times it’s a matter of personalities that just don’t mesh. Either way, there are plenty of battles in life we just don’t have to participate in. Check out Everyone Has Something to Teach Us Growing up, I had some bullies, and the girls in my…
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Have you ever felt uncomfortable receiving a compliment? How about a heartfelt thank you, or praise for something you genuinely deserve? We’ve all been there. Sometimes we receive compliments and don’t know how to react. Other times, getting recognition can feel a little awkward – even when it’s given where it’s due. But have you ever thought about why this is? Why is it so hard to accept a compliment? Where did we learn this from? What would happen if you actually processed these kind words of celebration and allowed them to land? I’ve come a long way in learning about myself – understanding who I am, who I was,…
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When navigating through relationships, in any capacity, it’s hard to know exactly what you’re going to get from one person. A lot of times people hide how they actually feel, they might favor politeness instead of realness, they might not even be aware of their behavior. There are a plethora of ways you can experience someone, and in my experience, you actually can get a preview of what they might have to offer – if you just listen to them. In everyday conversation, people tend to declare things about themselves. They want you to know how they identify, they want the things they feel strongly about to be known. I…
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I was talking with a friend the other day about how easy it is to just sit and scroll on your phone. You open it to check something, and suddenly fifteen minutes, a half hour, or more has gone by. There’s always something vying for our attention. Sometimes, we focus on whichever voice is the loudest, object is the shiniest, or gossip is the juiciest – often without even realizing it. Other times, we might be feeling insecure, anxious, or uncertain. We question ourselves or worry if we did the right thing. For some, this kind of thinking leads to ruminating and spiraling into even more self-doubt. What you focus…
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Attention is the main currency in any situation. When you’re a child, you want your caregivers to look – look at what you did, look at what you found, look at you. As you get older, attention shows up as recognition in school or sports, where suddenly everyone is looking at you. When you are acknowledged in different areas of your life, people “take a look” at your accomplishments, and for a moment, the room’s attention is on you. Of course, things happen whether we are looking at them or not – but our attention to something, often in the form of physically looking, is what gives it weight, meaning,…
