Be Your Own Role Model – What Does Your Authentic Self Look Like?

Someone to Look Up To

I have always wanted a role model. In my mind, I would picture my role model wanting to take me under her wing and spending time with me to show me her ways. My role model would be like a real life Wonder Woman, strong and fearless. 

I would always feel so empowered seeing a strong woman walk into a room and make her intentions known, regardless of any chance for rejection. I love seeing a woman who knows who she is and what she wants, and I always wanted to emulate that.

Unfortunately, however, I would really only ever see these women on TV. Don’t get me wrong, I know a lot of strong, powerful women in their own right; I just hadn’t met anyone who resonated with the idea of what I wanted for myself.

I knew that if I just kept looking, I could find the person I was looking for. She would be successful, confident, and kind all at the same time. I was looking for a very specific person to share her wisdom, and show me how to emulate all of the characteristics I most admired in other people.

When I finally found someone that I wanted to look up to, I would learn more than one lesson on the other side of that experience. I learned a little bit about seeing people for who they are rather than what you want them to be, and a lot about the power that lies within us, if we only choose to see it.

Giving Your Power Away

Let’s go back several years, to the beginning of my journey to authenticity. I had moved to a new city, and found mostly what I was looking for in a work colleague. In a perfect world, one where in my mid-20’s, I had any sense of self-esteem and self-confidence, this setup could have been great. It might have even given me the outcome I was looking for. 

However, this isn’t a perfect world and my level of low self-esteem and feelings of hopelessness were evident to anyone who knew what to look for. This woman had spent a lot of time working with the public and had her own understanding of mental health – she saw right through me. 

What did I do? I fan-girled. I fawned over her at every moment, everything she did was just the best thing I had ever seen. In reality, it wasn’t. I just didn’t know how to express myself in a way that didn’t minimize myself. 

Now, I have no problem looking someone in the eyes and telling them what I like about them, genuinely. However, then, I wanted to compliment her but it always came out in a way that put her on a pedestal. I didn’t know how to do things differently.

What happens when you fan over someone? They lose respect for you. I know this from my own experience, and I even looked it up to get some validation that it wasn’t just me. 

I talk a lot on this blog about how the way you feel about yourself has an impact on how others treat you. When you downsize yourself in front of someone for their benefit, no one actually likes that. On one hand it looks like you are trying to get somewhere and on the other, it looks like you have no self-esteem. 

As a result, my experience of finding my ‘role model’ was not what I was expecting. 

Every Experience is a Learning Experience

Finding someone to look up to doesn’t just happen, it’s not transactional. Giving someone that role in your life would ideally require putting in the time to be sure this person is worthy of it. This process also requires healthy boundaries, so that you can take only what you need from that person.

All this became evident right away in our interactions after the mentor/mentee relationship was established. Every single conversation we had was interrupted. Suddenly, she started asking me to do random things for her that were not part of my job description; in our office setting, she literally asked me to make her a sandwich. Let me tell you this would not happen today.

She would also test me from time to time. In another example, she brought some resources she had put together for us to go over during our scheduled meeting. She placed the papers on the table in front of me and talked them up – the information was so life changing and she had gone through a lot to get it. However, per usual, she had to interrupt our meeting to go tend to another matter and she left everything on the table in front of me. 

I later learned that she went somewhere else, but she could still see me from where she was. 

That was it, that was the test. She wanted to see if I would flip through the pages while she wasn’t there. 

I don’t know what she was hoping to get out of that situation she had tried to facilitate, but I do know that her behavior was manipulative and she certainly didn’t have my best interest in mind. 

Although I felt angry and completely disregarded after this experience, this is a relatively harmless example of what can happen if someone knows they have power over you. 

Power brings out who someone really is;  it’s an amplifier. If you give someone that kind of power over you – you get to see who they really are. 

You never want to give your power away like that. In an extreme, worst case scenario – they could take over your life, at best they could leave you feeling disrespected and taken advantage of. In my case, I experienced a huge lack of respect and a disregard for my time.

The reality is I was lost, and this was part of my journey. 

Getting to the Bottom of Things

After our working relationship ended I took some time in meditation to think about my experience. I thought about my accountability in the situation and I considered I was and was not responsible for. 

After more consideration, I asked myself what exactly I was looking for in a role model. What was I hoping this last, failed attempt would turn into?

I was hoping I would see examples of confidence. I was looking for quick wit, eloquence, and intellectual conversation. I hoped that my role model would be effortless, empowering and strong. She would have values that she stuck to and she would know who she is. Ideally, whoever I looked up to would be successful, bold and unafraid. She would have a really big heart with strong boundaries and strong self-respect to go along with it. For an added bonus, she would genuinely care about me and want to help!

Where do you find someone like that?

I didn’t have an answer for that question. The woman in my example didn’t possess most of those qualities and I see now that I was very much projecting onto her. I wanted her to be a certain way, and she just wasn’t. 

I realized I needed to take a new approach.

Then it happened. I came across an idea that basically said if you want more of something out of your relationships, you need to become the thing you’re looking for. 

After a few days of pondering and reflecting, I decided that I would stop looking for someone to put my faith in. I would become the role model I had always wanted, and I would put my faith in me. 

If You Want Something Done Right..

Over the past six years since I’ve started my journey, I have learned so much. I have reflected, meditated, sat in silence, been certain, changed my mind, learned new things, questioned everything, formed new ideas and then questioned them all over again. I’ve protested old ways of being, researched facts, facilitated learning, and made room for understanding. I allowed myself to feel angry, and sad, and confused and happy and hopeful. I allowed myself the grace to try and fail and remembered to have patience with myself.  

I set the intention for what I wanted to accomplish. I wanted to become the best version of myself. I wanted to become the version of myself that my old self could go to for support and shelter. I wanted wisdom and foresight. I wanted to be secure in my thoughts, have strong values and boundaries. I wanted to become someone who believed in herself so strongly; she couldn’t be shaken.

I wanted to design exactly who I would become down to every last detail; and that’s exactly what I did.

It’s hard to pin down one thing in particular that helped me to find my most authentic self. I’m currently putting together a quick course that talks about some of the main points that helped me to stay strong and focused throughout my journey to find myself. 

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