Recognizing Patterns in Others - Rosie in a New Light

When I first started talking with my therapist, one of the things he told me to look out for were patterns—patterns in myself and even patterns that I would notice in others.

It wasn’t long before I noticed times where I would always respond one way or never do something in a specific situation.

Sometimes, for instance, if I had any perceived rejection, I would resort to negative, unhelpful thoughts that might have served me at one time but don’t any longer. I would meet feelings of sadness and unworthiness and buckle in for a spiral through negative thoughts that I had as far back as childhood.

Moments like this gave me more insight into my own patterns and areas that needed to be healed.

All people live out patterns. These patterns are repeating loops, as it were, that consist of repeating thoughts, feelings, or actions.

Maybe you have or had someone in your life who seems to always let you down, bail on plans, or disappear if the emotional temperature ever gets too high.

It’s easy to get angry, frustrated, or even to internalize this behavior—but what if there was one extra step you could take to understand these loops?

With some understanding and discernment, we can choose to protect our peace and set our expectations accordingly.

Being able to see the patterns in others helps us experience less disappointment and lovingly enforce our boundaries.

Understanding Human Patterns

So what exactly are patterns, and how do they work?

In simple terms, patterns are repeated responses to certain triggers.

We all have triggers—experiences, events, or reminders of something that brings up strong feelings for us.

Patterns are predictable ways that people try to protect themselves from these moments. In fact, humans have patterns for everything: how they respond emotionally when they are happy, excited, confused, angry, sad—you name it.

Our patterns happen over and over, and chances are they’ve been playing on autopilot in the background for so long we don’t even realize it’s happening.

Anything can be a trigger, really. And in a more mainstream sense, the term “triggered” gets thrown around quite a bit, sometimes in jest or to explain non-crisis events.

Being emotionally triggered—and having to deal with the real emotional trauma that gets brought to the surface at this time—is a very real thing.

So, for clarity, dramatically saying someone was “triggered” because their latte took a few extra minutes this morning is not what we are talking about here.

How to Notice Patterns in Others

If you want to notice what patterns someone has, pay attention to things they do over and over again. Notice how they respond in high-stress situations, what they do when it’s time to take responsibility, or even how they conduct themselves around friends. We aren’t defining someone by something they did one time—we are noticing when they repeat the same experience over and over.

Do their actions tend to line up with their words? Do they have a history of following through and being there, or do they allow other things to get in the way?

Whatever the case may be, noticing someone’s patterns helps make them a little more predictable. If we know that this person shuts down when things start getting emotional, we may learn to not expect a lot of emotional depth from this person.

In another example, if you have a friend that prefers to stay in—over and over—you might choose to ask a different friend to do more extroverted things.

Observe people around you without attaching meaning to their actions—simply be open to learning more.

This applies to yourself too.

When you find yourself in the middle of a pattern, it almost feels like you have no choice in the matter.

Don’t judge yourself—just notice it happening.

Common Patterns People Repeat

There are some universal signs of patterns that might be easy to see for some folks.

Avoidance – Some people will physically leave a situation, they might change the subject, or they may emotionally shut down and stop talking altogether.

Validation seeking – This is where folks may over-explain, go out of their way to make sure they get approval, or they may show people-pleasing signs.

Control – Some people need to feel they have control. They may micromanage people or things around them, try to take control of the plans, and make others feel pressured. They might simply need to be “right” all the time.

Conflict loops – Have you ever met someone who was just always complaining about something? They seem to not be happy unless they’re unhappy. These people might complain to anyone who will listen. They tend to complain or be upset about the same things all the time—and are usually willing to share that discomfort with others.

These are just a few examples. I would encourage you to look more into this yourself—a simple internet search, getting a book, or talking with a professional. There are a lot of things to look out for, so doing some due diligence here would probably be beneficial.

Being aware of these patterns is helpful because they generally run in the background, unconsciously. We learn how to perform our patterns super early on, and they become a part of who we are—usually only changing if we make the purposeful choice to change.

Also note that just because we notice these patterns in others, it doesn’t mean we are judging them. It doesn’t mean that we approve or disapprove—it means we are learning more. When we learn more about them, we can better understand where they are coming from.

Why Seeing Patterns Matters

So what do you do with all this new information? Where do these observations get you?

As previously stated, knowing people’s patterns and how they work makes them more predictable. You can set appropriate boundaries and stop expecting different outcomes from someone who does the same thing every time.

Understanding how someone works and what drives them helps create empathy; you can understand that maybe this person isn’t acting with malicious intent, even though their actions may cause uncomfortable results.

Having this awareness also encourages you to see things with more clarity. You can see someone for who they are, rather than what you want to see.

Overall, when you understand someone—see them for who they are and accept that they have their own way of dealing with things—you can stop taking their actions personally.

The Empowerment in Awareness

At the end of the day, pattern recognition is an act of protecting your peace and your energy, and it’s also a form of compassion. The willingness to understand another person, and pay enough attention to them to learn more, means you care enough to meet them where they are.

Understanding your own patterns helps you reflect more on areas where you may need healing or attention as well.

Patterns reveal the truth of who someone is. Being aware of them allows you to see them clearly and show up in a way that honors others and your own truth.

Resources If you’d like to learn more about noticing and understanding emotional patterns in your relationships and also in yourself, check out these links:

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