Introduction I was thinking recently about all the times I’ve heard someone say they wanted to do something, go somewhere, speak up – but they felt bad about actually doing any of it. Have you ever been there? Maybe you wanted to say no to an invitation to go out, but you said yes because you “felt bad”. Maybe you wanted to ask the server about your order because you specifically requested no cilantro, and there’s definitely cilantro in this – but you don’t want to make anyone “feel bad”. I’ve even heard stories from friends about going on dates, or spending more time with someone than they actually wanted…
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The Opinions We Imagine Have you ever worried about what someone thinks? Have you ever been making plans, putting an outfit together, or even just looking at yourself in the mirror, and suddenly found yourself feeling self-conscious because you’re worried about what someone might think of you? So many of us base our decisions, our moods, and even how we feel about ourselves on what other people think about us. Before making decisions, we often think about what other people think. Sometimes those are opinions people have actually expressed to us, such as advice from a parent or expectations from a friend. But other times, we’re not responding to their…
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Once you’ve recognized that something felt off and spent some time with yourself to see how you feel and how you would like to respond, it’s time to take a look at the facts. In the second step of the RETURN Method, we aren’t fixing or reacting to new information – we are exploring it. We aren’t looking at something, assuming something about it, and then spiraling in our heads after. What we are doing is gathering more information. We look at the information that we have with curiosity and observe facts. What did you experience yourself? List what you know to be true. Take a breath and look at…
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The Exhaustion of “Fixing” It’s so common to feel like something is “wrong” with you. The idea that we aren’t good enough has been marketed to us our whole lives. Other people project their insecurities onto you and make you question yourself. Someone who doesn’t know how to handle their own emotions makes you think you are lacking in some way. There are a lot of things that separate us from who we are – from infancy all the way until now. Self-development is great, and I would say it’s actually quite important. However, there is a difference between growing as a person versus constantly trying to fix something about…
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Why Rejection Feels So Personal When we think about rejection, we usually focus on the pain of the rejection itself. Some of us think of rejection as the sting of being told “no”, or not being included in the group. However, if you zoom out a little bit, there is more to it. Many folks respond differently to rejection, yet an underlying feeling for many of us is panic around the question, “What does this outcome mean to me?” It could be, that you actually aren’t as worried about being rejected as you are trying to stay connected to the outcome you were expecting. Check out Healthy Detachment – What…
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For the introduction of this post, I was trying to think of a time when I had to deal with a difficult person. Then I thought, how do I narrow it down? We’ve all dealt with difficult people, whether at work, at home, the grocery store, or the dining room table. Sometimes we just have differing opinions; other times it’s a matter of personalities that just don’t mesh. Either way, when we meet people that test our patience, we have a choice in how we respond to them. Check out Everyone Has Something to Teach Us Growing up, I had some bullies, and the girls in my class would exclude…
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Generally speaking, most people only ever think of a power move within the context of aggression or manipulation. In discussion, these moves are usually referenced when someone asserts dominance or control at the expense of someone else. In fact, this might be the only context where the term “power move” comes up. But – what if we chose to use our power to help people? To lift others up rather than push them down to “assert dominance”? The reality is, you can be more powerful than someone, and that standing never actually needs to be acknowledged. What if we thought of power moves differently? The Traditional View of “Power Moves”…
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When I first started talking with my therapist, one of the things he told me to look out for were patterns- patterns in myself and even patterns that I would notice in others. It wasn’t long before I noticed times where I would always respond one way or never do something in a specific situation. Sometimes, for instance, if I had any perceived rejection, I would resort to negative, unhelpful thoughts that might have served me at one time but don’t any longer. I would meet feelings of sadness and unworthiness and buckle in for a spiral through negative thoughts that I had as far back as childhood. Moments like…
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When you look at a situation, ask yourself – how would I like to respond?When you give yourself even a brief moment to tune in to how you’re actually feeling, you create space – and in that space, you gain choice. In this post, I want to talk about embracing things as they happen – as a way of choosing empowerment, quieting fear, and moving more smoothly from one part of your journey to another. Life will always hand us the unexpected – delays, detours, moments that don’t go according to plan. But when you lean into those moments with grace and faith in yourself, your entire experience begins to…
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People want certainty. It’s human to want to label and compartmentalize things in our minds so we can feel safe. If we meet someone new, we might call them a friend. Upon trying a new restaurant, we decide if we like it or not. When we go to a new place, we’ll find ways to describe it in relation to places we’ve been. A lot of times, when we make a new decision or feel a new pull, we tend to rush to define it. Whether we’re taking up a new hobby or meeting a potential partner, it’s easy to want to label and categorize our experience quickly. The thing…
