Once you’ve recognized that something felt off and spent some time with yourself to see how you feel and how you would like to respond, it’s time to take a look at the facts.
In the second step of the RETURN Method, we aren’t fixing or reacting to new information – we are exploring it. We aren’t looking at something, assuming something about it, and then spiraling in our heads after.
What we are doing is gathering more information.
We look at the information that we have with curiosity and observe facts.
What did you experience yourself? List what you know to be true.
Take a breath and look at the facts. Acknowledge what happened without any projection or assumed meaning – just the observable facts. Be open to what you find; the more open-minded you are, the better.
Curiosity is a way of seeing things, not a technique. The more curious you are, the more opportunities you have to see things from different perspectives. You should check out my other blog posts What it Means to Protect Your Energy and What if You Were Curious Instead?
You can think of it this way – awareness opens the door, curiosity walks through it.
Facts vs. Interpretations
Okay, we agree to acknowledging the facts – let’s define what that means.
How do we identify the facts of what happened?
Facts are observable. You can look at them, and other people can see them too. Facts are measurable – you can tell what time or day it happened, how much, how often, how many.
Facts are neutral, meaning there’s no emotional charge attached to them. You could consider facts to be boring. You might even find that, upon your first attempts at exploring facts with curiosity, it might feel a little jolting to go from your emotion-filled reaction to listing facts that have no emotion.
For instance:
“this text message feels weird, what do they mean by this? Are they mad at me? I bet they’re thinking of leaving me” – is completely different from the facts of that situation, which may simply be:
“their text read ‘okay.’”
Little different, huh?
And last but not least – facts are verifiable, which means you can go back and check their validity; they don’t change.
Interpretations
We all interpret things differently. I always find it so interesting to discuss an event and see how the other person experienced it or what they may have taken away with them.
How people interpret things is the meaning their minds give to those events – and everything else they see, for that matter. Your mind assigns meaning to everything; that’s how it’s wired. That’s why we can be projecting onto someone or making assumptions and not even realize we’re doing it.
Usually it comes from a learned experience, and sometimes it can be accurate – but a lot of times it’s not.
Just like in the text example, the assumption that was made was based out of fear – fear that was perhaps helpful for you at another time in your life, but not so much now.
Think of it like the scooter you used to ride as a kid – with streamers and pastel colors, probably a bear or cartoon character on it. Imagine being expected to still ride that scooter later in life – in college, at the corporate level, in your 70’s.
After a certain point, it just doesn’t belong with you anymore.
So just remember:
Facts describe what happened.
Stories explain what it means.
Why the Mind Jumps to a Story
The mind would rather be certain than correct.
The human mind wants answers. Your mind is wired to want certainty, closure, and a final answer.
We create stories in our minds to fill in those gaps of not knowing. Not knowing is super uncomfortable. Before I learned to sit with my feelings and give myself a second to breathe and regulate the anxiety that came with uncertainty, I would absolutely panic at any level of not knowing.
My mind would come up with stories – often negative, scary, and self-defeating stories. However, those stories were my mind’s best attempt at creating closure for me.
When you’re in that state of uncertainty and anxiety and you’re thinking about the story you’re telling yourself, that interpretation can make you feel safe because it gives you the illusion of control.
Somehow, I feel like we all know it doesn’t actually make us feel any better. It’s more like a distraction – another step in the loop.
How Curiosity Calms the Nervous System
When you ask yourself questions or give yourself permission to look into a situation more instead of simply panicking at the first opportunity, it gives your brain a sense of safety.
Questions slow you down in terms of reactivity. Answering them requires you to take a pause from panic mode and formulate a response. It gives you a break from what you were worrying about, even momentarily.
It’s still one step in the direction of regulating your nervous system.
You can’t be panicking and freaking out, and be curious about something at the same time. Curiosity also offers you a break from the many signals of alarm that might come from feeling uncertain.
You can think of the judgments and conclusions you draw as closing your mind and keeping you on that path of reactivity.
Curiosity opens your mind and gives you a little bit of space to breathe.
How Curiosity Replaces Self-Judgment
What I love most about pointing out facts and being curious, is that it gives you a different direction for your dysregulated energy when something goes wrong. When you’re scared or feel uncertain, you can get a pause by recalling things objectively – and you can direct a lot of your energy into curiosity.
This step is also a good remedy for harsh self-judgment. Instead of thinking:
“Why am I like this?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“I am so bad at this.”
You could replace those thoughts with:
“What is this feeling telling me?”
“What patterns am I noticing?”
“I am new – what are other some things that may help me learn?”
Judgment statements are terminal statements. They’re final thoughts; there’s nowhere to go after that. Facts bring you back to reality and invite you to question your initial reaction. Questions open your options and open doors to new perspectives.
Why This Step Is Especially Powerful for Anxious or Highly Self-Aware People
When we feel uncertain, fear and anxiety tend to fill in the gaps with worst-case scenarios. If you struggle with anxiety, you may constantly be thinking about the future, the past, or something you don’t have all the answers to – and assuming the worst is going to happen.
This second step in the RETURN Method – exploring the facts with curiosity – has helped me get a hold of my anxiety symptoms by focusing on what I know and being open to what I don’t, instead of relying on my assumptions. Recalling facts and employing curiosity gives the mind something constructive to do.
Naming thoughts and facts out loud – and wondering about the answer rather than needing to find it -provides a bit of structure for racing thoughts. It allows you to slow them down.
I’ve learned firsthand that you don’t need all the answers – and to ask myself: what would be different if I did?
Guided Self-Inquiry Section
If you’d like to start trying out this step for yourself, I’ve included some journal prompts that might be helpful.
Next time you’re reflecting or feel a spiral coming on, you might ask yourself:
- What do I know for sure right now?
- What am I assuming?
- What evidence supports that?
- What else could be true?
- What feeling showed up first?
A Little More Insight
Exploring the facts with curiosity doesn’t erase feelings of uncertainty or dysregulation – it helps clarify them.
Although it feels better to be certain, you don’t need to jump to conclusions, panic, or spiral in an effort to feel steady.
Grounding yourself in reality with measurable facts and asking questions to see things from different perspectives is a core step in staying in relationship with yourself.
Keep an eye out for the next post The RETURN Method: Truth – Being Honest with Yourself. In the meantime, check out the Related Reads and Sign Up for the NEWSLETTER below!
Related Reads:
How to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Energy: A Guide for Empaths,
Understanding Validation and How to Cultivate it for Yourself ,
Give Yourself the Right Conditions to Grow,
Acting Out of Obligation,
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