What If the Thing You Lost Was Making Room for Something Better? Have you ever experienced something that felt devastating in the moment? A breakup. The loss of a job. A rejection. A missed opportunity. A dream that never came to fruition. When life doesn’t go according to plan, it’s easy to fall into self-blame. We tell ourselves stories like: Our minds naturally search for explanations when we’re hurting, and often the easiest explanation is to assume we’ve done something wrong. But what if there’s more to the story? Sometimes we can’t see the full picture while we’re standing in the middle of it. We only see the closed door,…
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Introduction: The Voice We Often Ignore Have you ever had the feeling that something was or wasn’t right? Maybe you met your partner and just knew they were the one for you. On the flip side, maybe you met someone and immediately got the feeling that you should avoid that person. Maybe you had a strange urge to merge into a different lane, and at that exact moment the car next to you moved into the space you had just created. Once, I was on a road trip and we pulled off to the side of the road to rest. Something told me to leave the car running, so I…
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Introduction I was thinking recently about all the times I’ve heard someone say they wanted to do something, go somewhere, speak up – but they felt bad about actually doing any of it. Have you ever been there? Maybe you wanted to say no to an invitation to go out, but you said yes because you “felt bad”. Maybe you wanted to ask the server about your order because you specifically requested no cilantro, and there’s definitely cilantro in this – but you don’t want to make anyone “feel bad”. I’ve even heard stories from friends about going on dates, or spending more time with someone than they actually wanted…
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The Opinions We Imagine Have you ever worried about what someone thinks? Have you ever been making plans, putting an outfit together, or even just looking at yourself in the mirror, and suddenly found yourself feeling self-conscious because you’re worried about what someone might think of you? So many of us base our decisions, our moods, and even how we feel about ourselves on what other people think about us. Before making decisions, we often think about what other people think. Sometimes those are opinions people have actually expressed to us, such as advice from a parent or expectations from a friend. But other times, we’re not responding to their…
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Once you’ve recognized that something felt off and spent some time with yourself to see how you feel and how you would like to respond, it’s time to take a look at the facts. In the second step of the RETURN Method, we aren’t fixing or reacting to new information – we are exploring it. We aren’t looking at something, assuming something about it, and then spiraling in our heads after. What we are doing is gathering more information. We look at the information that we have with curiosity and observe facts. What did you experience yourself? List what you know to be true. Take a breath and look at…
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Why Rejection Feels So Personal When we think about rejection, we usually focus on the pain of the rejection itself. Some of us think of rejection as the sting of being told “no”, or not being included in the group. However, if you zoom out a little bit, there is more to it. Many folks respond differently to rejection, yet an underlying feeling for many of us is panic around the question, “What does this outcome mean to me?” It could be, that you actually aren’t as worried about being rejected as you are trying to stay connected to the outcome you were expecting. Check out Healthy Detachment – What…
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For the introduction of this post, I was trying to think of a time when I had to deal with a difficult person. Then I thought, how do I narrow it down? We’ve all dealt with difficult people, whether at work, at home, the grocery store, or the dining room table. Sometimes we just have differing opinions; other times it’s a matter of personalities that just don’t mesh. Either way, when we meet people that test our patience, we have a choice in how we respond to them. Check out Everyone Has Something to Teach Us Growing up, I had some bullies, and the girls in my class would exclude…
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Generally speaking, most people only ever think of a power move within the context of aggression or manipulation. In discussion, these moves are usually referenced when someone asserts dominance or control at the expense of someone else. In fact, this might be the only context where the term “power move” comes up. But – what if we chose to use our power to help people? To lift others up rather than push them down to “assert dominance”? The reality is, you can be more powerful than someone, and that standing never actually needs to be acknowledged. What if we thought of power moves differently? The Traditional View of “Power Moves”…
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When I first started talking with my therapist, one of the things he told me to look out for were patterns- patterns in myself and even patterns that I would notice in others. It wasn’t long before I noticed times where I would always respond one way or never do something in a specific situation. Sometimes, for instance, if I had any perceived rejection, I would resort to negative, unhelpful thoughts that might have served me at one time but don’t any longer. I would meet feelings of sadness and unworthiness and buckle in for a spiral through negative thoughts that I had as far back as childhood. Moments like…
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When you look at a situation, ask yourself – how would I like to respond?When you give yourself even a brief moment to tune in to how you’re actually feeling, you create space – and in that space, you gain choice. In this post, I want to talk about embracing things as they happen – as a way of choosing empowerment, quieting fear, and moving more smoothly from one part of your journey to another. Life will always hand us the unexpected – delays, detours, moments that don’t go according to plan. But when you lean into those moments with grace and faith in yourself, your entire experience begins to…
