Stop Feeling Bad For Everything: Why It Happens and How to Break the Cycle

Introduction

I was thinking recently about all the times I’ve heard someone say they wanted to do something, go somewhere, speak up – but they felt bad about actually doing any of it.

Have you ever been there?

Maybe you wanted to say no to an invitation to go out, but you said yes because you “felt bad”.

Maybe you wanted to ask the server about your order because you specifically requested no cilantro, and there’s definitely cilantro in this – but you don’t want to make anyone “feel bad”.

I’ve even heard stories from friends about going on dates, or spending more time with someone than they actually wanted to – all because they felt bad and didn’t want to make anyone else feel bad.

Sometimes we sacrifice our comfort, accept things we didn’t ask for, or waste valuable time, all because we assume there will be a negative consequence. We would rather not draw attention to ourselves, or inconvenience someone and thus, suffer through it.

But why?

What’s on the other side of the fear of hurting someone’s feelings? What happens if you do decide you want to leave the party and someone feels a type of way – is it really up to you to fix it?

What if you did assert yourself? Said no? Valued your time and energy more than your perception of other people’s feelings?

In this post, we are going to explore times when we limit ourselves unnecessarily, assuming responsibility for someone else’s emotions. Sometimes we assume that our wants and needs are burdensome, but are they really?

Feeling like our needs are less important than others, and taking responsibility for things that aren’t ours – is exhausting!

Tending to everyone else’s emotional needs, even when they haven’t asked you to is a never ending, uphill battle that you won’t win.

In this post, we’ll look further at chronic guilt and what it looks like, how it can affect you, and some possible causes.

What Does It Mean to Feel Bad About Everything?

Common Signs

Have you ever asked yourself, why do I feel bad about this?

Or maybe you find yourself feeling guilty about things more often than not.

If someone is experiencing chronic guilt, it can manifest itself in different ways.

You may find yourself constantly apologizing. Maybe you say “sorry” when you don’t really need to, or you apologize excessively. Some of us might struggle with setting boundaries because it makes us feel guilty or we feel that it will hurt the other person. Check out Not Everyone Is for You: Letting Go of the Need for Approval

Many of us take responsibility for other people’s feelings. We might assume we know what the other person wants or expects, or feels – without them confirming that as fact.

We might have a conversation with someone and then replay that conversation a thousand times throughout the remainder of the day, hoping we didn’t say anything “wrong”.

Another sign of chronic guilt is feeling selfish if you should want to prioritize your own needs. As if taking care of yourself is selfish.

We might beat ourselves up for the smallest mistake, not giving ourselves permission to be human. We strive for perfection, an illusion, an ever moving target. When we don’t hit it, we hate ourselves for it.

Or maybe you are constantly worried that you might have upset someone and didn’t realize it. After every conversation or interaction, not only are you replaying what you said – but you’re also zooming in on their reactions as well. Just have to make sure you’re not missing anything, there could have been a clue that you weren’t good enough in that conversation.. so we keep replaying and replaying, hoping that the video playing on loop will bring us some emotional safety.

The Difference Between Healthy Guilt and Unhealthy Guilt

Guilt, like everything else – is on a spectrum. There’s healthy guilt, and unhealthy guilt. The difference between the two depends on how they show up for you, and how often.

Healthy guilt is beneficial. It helps us recognize our values and boundaries. It helps keep us on track, and can help repair our relationships in the event repair is necessary.

Unhealthy guilt appears even when we’ve done nothing wrong. For guilt to be valid, and necessary – there has to be a reason; a boundary crossing, or acting outside of our value.

If you’ve done a factual inventory of your actions, and you find that you haven’t done anything wrong, yet you still feel like you have – that could be a sign of something deeper. Check out Not Everyone Is for You: Letting Go of the Need for Approval

Sometimes, chronic guilt can become a default emotional response. This can happen when someone struggles with self-esteem, or it can be a learned response to an unsafe environment.

Why Do Some People Feel Bad About Everything?

1. Low Self-Esteem

We may believe our needs matter less than everyone else’s.
We might seek validation through being helpful, or constantly agreeable. We may anticipate others’ needs and always have a perfect response.
When we have low self- worth, it’s easier for us to take on feelings of guilt and shame because on some level, we assume that if we were better – things would be different. Low self-worth makes us feel that we need to prove our value, or do something in order to deserve love.

2. People-Pleasing Tendencies

Some of us might confuse kindness with self-sacrifice, and assume that our sacrifice is necessary. It’s okay if I’m uncomfortable, as long as this person accepts me.
There might be a fear of disappointing others.
Saying “no” can feel uncomfortable, or even wrong if you have people- pleasing tendencies. On some level, we might feel that setting a boundary might leave us in danger, or abandoned.

3. Perfectionism

I know this one well – have you ever set unrealistic standards for yourself?
Someone who is a perfectionist may take mistakes as personal failures, rather than learning opportunities – or simply a result of being human.
Many times, when we try to be perfect, or make everything around us perfect – we are trying to avoid feelings of shame.

4. Anxiety and Overthinking

This one is quite familiar as well – do you find yourself constantly analyzing situations for signs you’ve done something wrong?
Anxiety and overthinking can cause us to imagine the worst-case scenario and prepare for the end of the world – no matter how big or small the scenario.
Anxiety plays tricks on your mind, overlaying your whole world with a tint of fear. Overthinking gives you something to do, and therefore the illusion of control – but all it does is steal your peace.

5. Growing Up in a Critical Environment

Some of us might have grown up in a highly critical environment. Maybe your family expected perfect performances with regards to school, career, and work ethic – and any less was considered a failure. Growing up in any environment where criticism was more prevalent than encouragement can lead to low self-esteem.
As a result of all this, we learned to monitor ourselves constantly.
The experiences we had in childhood can follow us into adulthood, and we may find ourselves reacting to something that happened a long time ago, because of a trigger that met us today.

6. Taking Responsibility for Things That Aren’t Yours

If you’re empathetic, you might find yourself absorbing other people’s emotions and taking on their problems as if they were your own.
In this case, we may confuse empathy with responsibility. Just because you can feel someone’s pain, doesn’t make it your own.
It’s important that we give people responsibility for their own lives, their own emotions, and their own responses. Caring about others doesn’t mean carrying their burdens.

The Hidden Cost of Feeling Bad About Everything

Emotional Consequences

There are emotional consequences to chronic guilt and shame. Aside from the obvious discomfort that comes with these constant feelings, it causes us to be consistently stressed. Chronic guilt causes anxiety and mental exhaustion.

When you spend half of your time trying to respond perfectly to other people’s microexpressions and gauging how they feel, and the other half wondering if you did it right – where do you have any time for other things?

That chronic stress, worry, and mental exhaustion all have physical consequences as well. Not to mention, you leave yourself no space to be yourself, to grow, and to learn.

Eventually, worrying too much about other people’s opinions and constantly doubting yourself leads to reduced self-confidence.

Relationship Consequences

In relationships, low self-esteem can show up as an inability to set boundaries. Or, if you do set boundaries – they will likely be weak, or unenforced.

And of course, a lack of boundaries leads to resentment in relationships. It’s a whole snowball effect that leaves you with difficulty expressing your needs, and potentially attracting one-sided relationships.

Personal Growth Consequences

When one is consistently looking outward, validating deeper beliefs of lack of enoughness, unworthiness or low self-worth – they don’t grow.

In this state, we are more likely to be afraid to take risks and we might avoid opportunities. Sometimes we might even stay stuck just to avoid criticism or risk disappointment.

How to Stop Feeling Bad About Everything

If you can relate to this post so far, don’t stress or judge yourself. You may feel this way right now, but you don’t have to feel this way forever.

Below are some steps you can take to find some emotional relief when you find yourself feeling bad.

1. Ask Yourself: Did I Actually Do Something Wrong?

Separate facts from feelings – did that person really dislike your choice of dress for the occasion – did they tell you that? Or did you assume it?
Any time you feel guilt automatically, take a pause, breathe and stay there with it for just a moment. Then, question that guilt – what are the facts? Is guilt a logical response to the facts of the matter?
Use evidence that you can see and feel, rather than assumptions. Assumptions are nothing more than imagination with not enough information.

2. Stop Taking Responsibility for Other People’s Reactions

You are responsible for your actions, you are not responsible for other people’s emotions. If someone is going through something, upset, sad, whatever the case may be – grant them the dignity of being on their own journey, and learning what’s meant for them.
Disappointment is not the same as harm.
Healthy adults can manage their own feelings, trust that they can do that themselves.

3. Challenge People-Pleasing Habits

Have you ever heard the phrase “get comfortable with being uncomfortable”? That’s a good place to start here. Learn to tolerate discomfort.
Practice saying no without lengthy explanations. Someone once told me “no is a full sentence.”, and it is. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Might I add, no one wants to hear an explanation or an excuse anyway. If you want to say no, just say no.
Understand that boundaries are necessary, not selfish.

4. Build Your Self-Worth

Your value is not measured by how much you do for others. Philanthropy is great on its own, but when it starts getting tied to your worth as a person – that’s a sign that we need some boundaries. You are just as valuable when you do a lot, and when you do a little.
Do your best to develop self-respect independent of external approval.
Don’t forget to celebrate your strengths and any progress. Any step forward is progress, even if it’s a small one.

5. Accept That Mistakes Are Part of Being Human

You are human, you can be human. No one expects you to be perfect. Try replacing perfection with growth.
Learn from your mistakes without turning them into identity statements about yourself. If you made a mistake, get back up, dust yourself off, and move on.
Practice self-compassion – give yourself grace, you deserve a break.

6. Create Healthier Internal Dialogue

This one is super helpful on its own. Just take a day and notice any time self-critical thoughts come up for you.
Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend. I know it’s cheesy and you’ve heard it before, but seriously, it works.
Notice when you find yourself in harsh judgment and replace that harshness with a more balanced perspective.

Questions to Ask When Guilt Shows Up

Unhealthy guilt can hold on to your mind fiercely. Having the right questions to help it loosen its grip is key. Some of the things you can ask your guilt when it arises include:

Did I violate any of my values?
Am I responsible for this situation?
Would I judge someone else this harshly?
Am I trying to keep everyone happy?
Is this guilt based on facts that I know and can validate, or is it based on fear?

When Feeling Bad About Everything May Be a Sign of Something Deeper

Sometimes we might feel bad about everything for reasons that need a little more attention and could benefit from professional help. Low self-esteem and chronic guilt could be a symptom of an anxiety disorder, or depression. It could also be linked to trauma related patterns. If you think your “feeling bad” is actually something deeper – please seek professional help from a licensed therapist or counselor.

You don’t have to suffer through chronic shame alone. There are people who can help.

Conclusion

Feeling bad about everything is often not a sign that you’re doing anything wrong. More often than not, it’s a sign that you’ve learned to carry responsibility that doesn’t belong to you. By spending time with yourself, strengthening your self-worth and setting boundaries you can begin to feel better. You can let go of unrealistic expectations and build a better relationship with yourself, which in turn improves your relationships with others.

Just start with one small change, just one step from the many listed above. Then, the next time your guilt shows up, ask yourself if you’ve actually done something wrong – is it real or is it just fear?”

You are valuable, you are worthy and you are enough – just as you are, right now.

The time you’ve spent feeling guilty for no reason ends now, you can do it.

Resources If you’d like to learn more about closure, check out these links:

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