Take a Breath: How to be Less Reactive

Remaining calm is going to be the first step you take in assessing a situation. There are so many different day to day events that can trigger us, how do you know when and how to remain calm when you are triggered? Take a breath. 

We aren’t talking about extenuating circumstances where you might be in danger; if you find yourself looking at a hungry bear that wants to chase you, go ahead and let your fight or flight do its thing. In the event you find that you are being too reactive to people in your life, or you find yourself wishing you had said something differently after the fact, I might be able to help you there. 

In this post we’ll be discussing the power of taking a moment for yourself to breathe and check in with your feelings before you respond. 

I’m not reinventing the wheel or trying to give some new information. I just think it’s important to remember to breathe in the moment. Be aware of your breathing. Slowing your breathing is generally the first thing you do to come back from a panic attack. Before you even get to that level of anxiety, have an awareness of how you feel, and how you are breathing. 

Breathe or die

I got really into swimming a few years ago. One day, a friend and I were at the pool and he was giving me some pointers. Getting started, I really didn’t know how to swim, but I had the gist. I would take a really big breath at the end of the pool and then hold my breath for as long as I could, and then I would turn my head out of the water and desperately gasp for air. 

Hey, when you don’t know how to swim, you don’t know how to swim.

My friend saw me doing this and said “you have to breathe”. I was trying to catch my breath as he was saying this to me, and I was only partially listening. I was only focusing on part of the goal I wanted to accomplish, which was performing a specific stroke. I wasn’t seeing the whole picture. 

He said “what happens if you don’t breathe?” I looked at him waiting for a response, 

“You die.” he said, “If you don’t breathe, you die.” 

He then went on to show me the concept of how swimmers consistently breathe while they swim. 

Sometimes life can be difficult, but we have to breathe through it.

What Happens During That Brief Pause

When you take a moment for yourself to simply breathe before you respond to something, you’ll find that so much becomes available to you. In that moment where you inhale, you are giving your brain a moment to process and think of some more options before you act. In that breath that you are completely entitled to, you have the opportunity to check in with yourself and see how you are really feeling. 

Maybe at first you felt anger, but then you realized with just a little bit of extra time, that you are also feeling confused. 

Whatever comes up for you in that moment to yourself, is valuable information. 

Let’s examine that idea just a bit further, if your immediate response is anger and you also realize that you’re confused as you take breath, well now we have options. With this information, we now have the opportunity to choose the alternative response of asking a question for clarification. 

We just created the potential for a different outcome. 

If your partner says something that makes you feel angry, but you then learn that you need more information, now you can ask your partner to clarify. Perhaps you just bypassed an argument. 

When you give yourself just a moment before you react, you give yourself a choice in what comes next for you.

What If You Don’t

Not giving yourself a moment to breathe before you respond actually has a number of different outcomes as well. 

We all know what happens when you respond reactively. Responding with a quick remark without actually considering what you want to say, or you just doing something because you don’t know what else to do – those things are also products of a lack of awareness. The solution is simple, however, most of us just aren’t aware that it’s an option – take a moment for yourself. 

I would like to mention that at first, I felt very uncomfortable giving myself a moment to think while I was in the middle of a live conversation with someone. 

My therapist told me that people won’t judge you for taking a moment to compose your thoughts. 

No one will judge you for making thoughtful decisions about what you say to them. In fact, it shows others that you care about the conversations you have with them and it also shows that you value what you say – to make sure it accurately represents your thoughts. 

Reactivity VS. Thoughtful Response

When you find yourself wishing you had done or said something differently in the moment, it’s because you responded reactively, rather than thoughtfully. 

In the past, I would simply react to a stimulus on impulse. Then later, after I had time to think and see things clearly – I would always realize a better alternative to what I had done. I would be frustrated with myself and wish I had acted differently; I would judge myself. 

I wouldn’t ask questions and try to see what I could learn, I would just judge myself. I would feel bad and move on and repeat the whole thing over again at a later time.  

Open the Floor for Questions

Whenever you find yourself saying “I always do this!”, ask yourself why? 

Start the conversation with yourself. If you’re always being reactive, simply questioning your thoughts can help you become aware of that. 

Without taking the time to consciously question what our other options are, we may just feel stuck in the cycle of reactivity. It’s entirely possible that we might feel like we should just have the answer, out of nowhere. The reality is, we don’t just have the answers out of nowhere like that.

We do have the answers, somewhere within us – yes, but we don’t find them on the spot and coming from a place of anxiety. 

Your life is created by you, take a moment and decide what it is that you want. 

Take a moment and feel how you are feeling presently. You deserve to live a life that is thoughtful and deliberate, not thrown together out of fear and perceived urgency.