Sometimes it seems that we diagnose someone else as being insecure, as if it’s a jab. Under the right circumstances our ego might take the wheel and call that other person insecure – as if by comparison, self-doubt doesn’t apply to everyone.
However, when we are the ones experiencing uncertainty, it’s easy to find reasons to feel worse and fall deeper into victim thinking. Let’s talk about where self-doubt come from, and how to build real self-esteem.
Needing external validation is a learned thing, absorbed over years like secondhand smoke. And just like smoke, it clouds everything – how you see yourself, how you move through the world, and how you let people treat you.
So where does it come from?
The Birthplace of Self-Doubt
Most doubts start small.
Maybe it was an offhand comment in childhood – someone teased you about your eyebrows, the way you walked, or the gap in your teeth. Maybe you were the quiet kid, the loud kid, the kid who didn’t quite fit in, and somewhere along the way, you decided that different meant wrong.
Maybe the world around you – media, family, social circles – held up a mirror that reflected back something that made you feel “not enough”, and it had a negative effect on your self-esteem. Check out How to Build Self-Esteem with the Right Mindset
Low sense of self-worth thrives in comparison.
They get stronger when you internalize someone else’s standard of what’s beautiful, smart, lovable, or successful.
Your inner critic, if not checked, will question all of your life choices, and make you wonder if everyone else is better off.
How to Identify What’s Holding You Back
Sometimes our sensitivities hide in plain sight. If you’re not tuned in to your emotions, low self-esteem can present itself in other ways without your awareness.
Sometimes, our insecurities show up as perfectionism, procrastination, people-pleasing, or avoidance. Check out How Being a People-Pleaser Affects Your Self-Worth
It can be the reason you double-check your reflection five times before leaving the house, or why you downplay your achievements so you don’t sound “full of yourself.”
So ask yourself:
What parts of myself do I feel the need to hide or change?
When do I feel the most self-conscious?
How is my self-worth being affected?
Whatever answers come up for you – sit with them, and hear what they’re trying to tell you. They’re not there to shame you; they’re signs pointing toward where healing is needed.
Understanding Your Self-Doubt
Anxiety and doubt are often triggered by fear.
You could think of these things as being disguised by fear.
Social settings may cause us to feel anything from fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of not measuring up to fear of not being enough.
While all of these fears can feel very real, fear actually loses all of its power when you address it; when you look it right in the face.
Ask your fear some questions.
What happens on the other side of this interaction/question/conversation?
Talk about it out loud, make space for it – be curious about your fear and it will teach you something.
When you stop running from your worries and start questioning them, they lose their power. Check out How to Manage Your Fear and Choose Empowerment
How do I know this is true?
What are the facts?
What have I experienced vs. what was I assuming?
Is this belief serving me or holding me back?
If a friend came to me with this challenge, what would I tell them?
Self-Esteem: The Antidote to Self-Doubt
Now let’s talk about self-esteem – a useful tool when taking a look at low self-worth. Healthy self-esteem makes our life experience much easier if we have enough of it.
What is self-esteem, anyway? It’s the overall view you have of yourself. It’s based on the stories you tell yourself, about your ability, worthiness, and value. Check out A Lesson in Self-Esteem: How You Care for Yourself is Important
Self-esteem comes into play when you decide you’re worthy even when you mess up, even when you’re struggling, even when you fail.
Ways to Build Self-Esteem:
Stop Seeking Validation Outside of Yourself
External validation is nice, but if your confidence depends on other people’s approval, you’ll always be at their mercy.
Learn to validate yourself; your opinion is the only one that really matters anyway. Check out Detached Doesn’t Mean Cold – It Means Self-Directed
Speak to Yourself Like Someone You Love
If the voice in your head sounds like someone who doesn’t like you, it’s time to challenge that voice.
Would you talk to a friend that way?
Would you talk to anyone that way?
If the answer is no, then you should consider that you deserve better.
Know that Your Worth is Separate from Your Achievements
You are not your job title, your relationship status, or the number of likes on your last post.
Your worth is intrinsic, built-in, and non-negotiable.
Take Up Space
Stop making yourself smaller, stop apologizing, stop playing it safe.
Whether it’s your thoughts, your body, your laughter – own it.
You owe no one an explanation for taking up space.
Celebrate Your Effort
Confidence comes from action, not overthinking.
Challenge yourself, try new things, and remind yourself that you can.
Watch Out for Comparison
Remember: comparison is a thief.
It robs you of joy, contentment, and confidence.
You never really know what’s going on in someone else’s life, focus on you.
Surround Yourself with the Right People
The ones who raise you up, challenge you, and remind you of who you are when you forget.
The ones who encourage you to love yourself, rather than question yourself.
You Can Always Choose to Trust Yourself
Separate yourself from your fears.
You don’t need to be fixed.
You are a whole person who deserves to take up space, and love themselves.
Healing takes time. Unlearning takes patience.
Every time you choose self-acceptance over self-doubt, you reclaim a little more of your power.
Choose yourself, choose to remember that you are capable – you are enough.
Related Reads:
How to Build Self-Esteem with the Right Mindset,
A Lesson in Self-Esteem: How You Care for Yourself is Important,
Naming Your Feelings: Build a Better Emotional Vocabulary and Improve Self-Advocacy,
Having Emotional Awareness Affects How You Feel About Yourself,
Resources If you’d like to learn more about insecurity and building self-esteem, check out these links:
- Psych Central: Identifying and Tackling Feelings of Insecurity
- Mayo Clinic: Self-esteem: Take Steps to Feel Better About Yourself
Want more content like this? Subscribe to the blog for more insights on emotional healing, self-worth, healing tips, and navigating relationships with compassion and clarity.
Sign Up for The Rosie Reflections Newsletter
Get Real Reflections and Exclusive Content That Didn’t Make It to the Blog
If you found value in this post, share it with your friends!
