Where Insecurities Come From, How to Heal Self-Worth and Build Self-Esteem

Insecurity Ebs and Flows, Just like Confidence

Sometimes it seems that we diagnose someone else as being insecure, as if it’s a jab. Under the right circumstances our ego might take the wheel and call that other person insecure – as if by comparison, insecurity doesn’t apply to everyone. However, when we are experiencing the myriad of symptoms that follow being uncertain, it’s easy to find reasons to feel worse about our self-doubt and fall deeper into victim thinking. 

It’s important to remember that insecurity, like all other emotions, is fluid. Furthermore, everyone feels insecure from time to time.  

Insecurity is a learned thing, absorbed over years like secondhand smoke. And just like smoke, it clouds everything – how you see yourself, how you move through the world, how you let people treat you.

So where does it come from?

The Birthplace of Insecurity

Most insecurities start small. Maybe it was an offhand comment in childhood – someone teased you about your eyebrows, the way you walked, or the gap in your teeth. Maybe you were the quiet kid, the loud kid, the kid who didn’t quite fit in, and somewhere along the way, you decided that different meant wrong. Maybe the world around you – media, family, social circles – held up a mirror that reflected back something that made you feel “not enough”, and having a negative effect on your self-esteem.

Insecurities thrive in comparison. They get stronger when you internalize someone else’s standard of what’s beautiful, smart, lovable, or successful. Your inner critic, if not checked, will question everything you do, and make you wonder if everyone else is better off. Emotional healing comes from identifying and understanding your insecurities, so that you can consciously focus your attention on better feeling emotions.

How to Identify Your Insecurities

Sometimes our insecurities hide in plain sight. If you’re not tuned in to your emotions, insecurity can present itself in other ways without your awareness. Sometimes, they show up as perfectionism, procrastination, people-pleasing, or avoidance. 

They can be the reason you double-check your reflection five times before leaving the house or why you downplay your achievements so you don’t sound “full of yourself.”

So ask yourself:

What parts of myself do I feel the need to hide or change?

When do I feel the most self-conscious?

How is my self-worth being affected?

Whatever answers bubble up—sit with them. They’re not there to shame you; they’re road signs pointing toward where healing is needed.

Understanding Your Insecurities

Insecurity is often triggered by fear. In fact, you could think of insecurities as just fears in disguise. When we think of approaching someone we are interested in, what is the thing we are most afraid of? We might at first think of different reasons why that other person may or may not want to meet us for lunch or go out on Friday, but – is the way we ask the problem? Is the outfit of choice for that day the problem? If you pull away the layers in this situation, what does our fear come down to? 

Fear of rejection, of course. 

In many social settings, and certainly within ourselves, we may feel anything from fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of not measuring up to fear of not being enough.

While all of these fears can feel very real, fear actually loses all of its power when you address it; when you look it right in the face. Ask your fear some questions, ask your fear what happens on the other side of this interaction, question, conversation. 

When you stop running from your insecurities and start questioning them, they start to unravel.

How do I know this is true?

What are the facts?

What have I experienced vs. what was I assuming?

Is this belief serving me or holding me back?

If a friend came to me with this insecurity, what would I tell them?

Self-Esteem: The Antidote to Insecurity

Now let’s talk about self-esteem – a useful tool when taking a look at our insecurities, and something that makes our life experience much easier if we have enough of it. 

What is self-esteem, anyway? It’s the overall view you have of  yourself. It’s based on the stories you tell yourself, about your ability, worthiness, and value. Self-esteem comes into play when you decide you’re worthy even when you mess up, even when you’re struggling, even when you fail.

Ways to Build Self-Esteem:

Stop Seeking Validation Outside of Yourself – External validation is nice, but if your confidence depends on other people’s approval, you’ll always be at their mercy. Learn to validate yourself; your opinion is the only one that really matters anyway.

Speak to Yourself Like Someone You Love – If the voice in your head sounds like someone who doesn’t like you, it’s time to challenge that voice. Would you talk to a friend that way? Would you talk to anyone that way? If the answer is no, then you should consider that you deserve better.

Know that Your Worth is Separate from Your Achievements – You are not your job title, your relationship status, or the number of likes on your last post. Your worth is intrinsic, built-in, and non-negotiable.

Take Up Space – Stop shrinking, stop apologizing, stop playing small. Whether it’s your thoughts, your body, your laughter – own it. The world needs more people who walk in their truth without apology.

Celebrate Your Effort – Confidence comes from action, not overthinking. Challenge yourself, try new things, and prove to yourself that you can handle more than you give yourself credit for.

Watch Out for Comparison – Social media makes it easy to measure yourself against curated highlights of someone else’s life. But remember: comparison is a thief. It robs you of joy, contentment, and confidence. You never really know what’s going on in someone else’s life, focus on you.

Surround Yourself with the Right People – The ones who raise you up, challenge you, and remind you of who you are when you forget. The ones who encourage you to love yourself, rather than question yourself. 

You Are Not Your Insecurities

Separate yourself from your insecurities. You don’t need to be fixed. You are a whole, complex, beautiful human who deserves to take up space and love themselves fully. Healing takes time. Unlearning takes patience. Every time you choose self-acceptance over self-doubt, you reclaim a little more of your power.

Choose yourself, choose to remember that you are capable – remember that you are enough. 

Have you noticed how insecurity shows up in your life? Share your thoughts or experiences in the comments – I’d love to hear your story!

Related Reads: How to Fall In Love with Yourself and What Happens When You Do,
Where Insecurities Come, How to Heal Self-Worth and Build Self-Esteem,
Anger: Guide to Understanding, Healing, and Letting Go

Resources If you’d like to learn more about insecurity and building self-esteem, check out these links:

• Psych Central: Identifying and Tackling Feelings of Insecurity
• Mayo Clinic: Self-esteem: Take Steps to Feel Better About Yourself

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