Trust Your Gut: How to Identify the Signs of Abuse

Abuse is not something that’s easy to write about, I want to be sure I am compassionate to those who have and are experiencing abuse.

Abuse comes in a lot of different forms, happens to different degrees and can be experienced by anyone. As such, this particular perspective might only apply to a few folks specifically, and that’s okay – please use this information at your discretion. Being a survivor of domestic abuse growing up, this insight comes from my own experience both at home and in other environments.

My hope is that you might find the following concepts to be helpful and empowering. Consider the signs listed below and pay attention to how you are feeling – your emotional and mental health are important. If you or someone you know might be experiencing abuse, read on to learn more about red flags to look out for and some ways to protect yourself.

Abuse Isn’t Always Obvious—But It’s Always Harmful

The word “abuse” can feel like a lot, it might even sound harsh. It’s important to remember, however, that abuse involves much more than just physical violence. Abuse includes any behavior that is used to control, manipulate, or harm another person. You can actually think of it as, whenever someone intentionally makes you feel bad, that’s abuse.

It’s not okay for someone to treat you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Abuse can happen anywhere, and to any type of person – it doesn’t discriminate when it comes to social or economic status, race, ethnicity, gender, religion – any of those things. Abuse comes down to one person treating another person badly on purpose. It can happen at home, at school, and at work. Abuse can happen between anyone: folks in relationships, friends, colleagues or even random strangers on the street.

It’s important that you know exactly what abuse is, so that you don’t allow yourself to tolerate something you shouldn’t have to.

Abuse thrives when the victim doubts themselves, and it grows in the secrecy and shame that results. Abuse often hides behind someone you’d least expect, but it doesn’t have to be obvious to be happening.

Possible Signs You May Be Experiencing Abuse

In fact, abusers are rarely obvious to outsiders. Sometimes abuse isn’t actually apparent, even to the people experiencing it. Below are some possible red flags of abuse:

Emotional or Psychological Abuse

You are experiencing constant criticism, belittling, or gaslighting from another person. This is someone who is always finding little reasons to make you feel bad or doubt yourself. If this is happening, they could slowly be chipping away at your self-esteem.
Someone consistently makes you feel like everything is your fault. This person might deflect when you try to hold them accountable, or make you feel guilty for speaking up. This is an example of emotional manipulation and an effort to make you easier to control.
This person is withholding affection or attention as punishment – also referred to as ‘hot and cold’. This particular move is emotionally manipulative and very painful for the victim.
If you are experiencing verbal threats or physical gestures meant to scare you, that is psychological abuse, which can also feel very violent.
You feel that you are walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting them.

Verbal Abuse

If you experience name-calling, or if someone raises their voice/yells at you – that is abuse. Other aggressive harassment like yelling or threats apply here too.
Someone might be dismissing your feelings or calling you “too sensitive”. This is a way to knock you off balance and question yourself. Your feelings are valid and they always matter. You deserve to always feel safe and have your boundaries respected. There are no exceptions.
Making cruel jokes at your expense. You do not have to tolerate someone speaking to you that way. This is obvious bully behavior and as always, says more about them than it does about you. In an abusive situation, it might say you need to get away from someone who consistently taunts you.

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse can include hitting, pushing, restraining, or even threatening physical harm.
This type of abuse is generally used as a way to assert control.
Even if you only experience one example of physical abuse, one time – that’s one time too many.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse can happen when someone is coerced or pressured into sexual activity. It can include someone close to you, or a stranger.
Sexual abuse is common among people that the victim is close with, like a family member or neighbor. There is also usually a lot of shame surrounding sexual abuse, which is why it doesn’t always get talked about.
It can happen when someone’s boundaries or consent is violated. If you say ‘no’, that means ‘no’. Your feelings should always be respected.
An abuser might try making you feel unsafe or ashamed for saying “no”. Or, they might try a different approach and want you to keep their ‘little secret’.

Financial Abuse

Controlling your money or access to resources. This is a tough one, and, depending on your circumstances, can feel like an easy trap to fall into. Having someone financially help you out is a noble thing and can help in more ways than one. Just be careful, if you allow someone to control your finances, you allow them to control you.
Forbidding you to work or demanding access to your income. If someone doesn’t allow you to work, do additional work, go back to school or have access to your income – that is a red flag. This is not normal, this is abusive and controlling behavior. If you were hired by your employer, that means your employer is confident in your ability to do your job, and work hours that are best for you. Also, you are under no obligation to share your finances with anyone.
Using money as leverage for control. If someone holds money or finances over your head, that is not a healthy thing. If someone consistently reminds you of the ways they financially help you, it’s not because they care – they are reminding you that they own you.

Social or Professional Abuse

One big thing abusers like to do is isolate you from friends, family, or support systems. If someone is abusing you, they want you to feel alone. If you’re alone, and no one is positively influencing you or threatening their exposure – you’re easier to influence.
An abuser might try to hurt you by sabotaging your work or school reputation. They might retaliate against you for something they didn’t like, and try to damage your social standings.
This person might be super charming and likeable in front of people. In private however, this very same person might be vicious and cruel. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.

What Keeps Abuse Going? Secrecy.

Abuse feeds on your silence. Growing up, no one knew I was going home to an abusive environment when I left school. Back then, I never told anyone about what we were going through, and most of my friends thought I had a pretty perfect family life.

Abusers often count on your fear, confusion, or loyalty to keep you quiet. They may

Appear “nice” or respected in public. People on the outside might love them, and have no idea what they are really like.

They might undermine your credibility and confidence, saying things like “no one will believe you”.

An abuser might twist the truth to make you feel unsure of what you’re experiencing, gaslighting you so that you question your own credibility.
You might be shamed into thinking that speaking up will only make things worse.

All of those things are examples of what typical abusers do. They might do any or all of the things listed above. They’re hurt people, hurting people. Regardless of the reason, no one should ever hurt another person, steal their autonomy or make them feel unsafe.

If someone needs you to keep their behavior a secret, they know it’s wrong. The thing to remember unfortunately, is the longer their secret of abuse stays hidden, the more empowered they feel to keep going.

The Power of Speaking Up

Speaking up doesn’t have to be dramatic, it doesn’t have to be a big scene. In fact, it might even require less words than you might think. It might start as a journal entry, a conversation with a trusted friend, or reaching out to a support line. What matters is that you break the isolation.

You have every right to express yourself – in every situation. That includes the right to:

Say, “I’m not okay.”
Ask, “Is this normal?”
Get help, even if someone told you not to.
Feel safe.

There is so much strength in simply saying, “This is not what I want or deserve.”

A Note on Personal Responsibility

This part can be hard to hear, but it’s important: you are responsible for your own well-being. That doesn’t mean the abuse is your fault – there is nothing that you could do to warrant someone causing you physical, emotional or financial harm. It doesn’t condone or validate any abuse, it does mean that you have the right and the power to take steps toward safety.

The reality is, no one else can walk out of your situation for you—and— you don’t have to do it alone. You can begin by:

Confiding in someone you trust. Is there a friend or relative that you trust to share this information with? If you’re at work, have you thought about going to Human Resources or someone who can help you navigate your situation?
Documenting your experiences. Collect data that can help you better understand what’s happening. Write down what happened, how you experienced it; what it felt like and how it affected you emotionally. Give specific examples and discuss what was said verbatim. If you can, include times and dates for context and relevancy.
Exploring your legal or workplace rights. It’s always good to know your rights – more people could afford to pay more attention in this area. Exercise your rights, remember that laws were placed into effect for a reason.
Seeking support through therapy or advocacy services. I am always a big advocate for therapy – go see a therapist. It’s not for everyone, but if you think you could be open to it – try it. An objective, third-person perspective can change everything about the way you think. If you don’t have a therapist in mind, there are other support groups that you can research.

People are out there, resources and information is out there – it’s up to us to take the initiative.

Resources If You Need Help

Whether you’re personally experiencing abuse or you’re concerned for someone else, these resources can help:

United States

National Domestic Violence Hotline – thehotline.org | 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) – rainn.org | 1-800-656-HOPE
Workplace Bullying Institute – workplacebullying.org
Crisis Text Line – Text HOME to 741741 for 24/7 support

For Immediate Support

If you’re in danger or feel unsafe, call 911 or your local emergency number.

Final Thoughts

Abuse doesn’t always leave bruises. Sometimes you can spot abuse by the tightness in your chest, the way you doubt yourself, or the fear of being exposed. Abuse can come from anywhere, but it lives and grows in silence. It keeps you under its control by making you fearful and shameful and isolated. I want you to remember that you matter.

I want you to remember that your feelings matter, your safety matters, the things that you want matter.

You deserve to feel safe, and be treated with love and respect.

You don’t have to stay quiet.
You don’t have to carry the weight alone.
And you don’t have to wait until it gets worse to ask for help.

Resources If you’d like to learn more about identifying the types of abuse, check out these links:

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