We all want to be accepted by the group, included, and made to feel like we matter. It’s part of our evolution; at one point not being accepted by the group meant you lost safety and would likely get eaten by something.
Now, the consequences aren’t so dire, but we still want to be accepted. It seems like sometimes there’s almost an unspoken idea that the more liked you are, the more value you have.
For those of us who learned to attune to others early, or learned connection through caretaking, being liked by the group may feel specifically important. We may expect approval as a necessity.
The problem with this need to be liked, this need for acceptance is that it has costs. Sometimes this need to be liked costs us tension, self-esteem, or even makes us change who we are to fit into a category that may not be appropriate for us at all.
Sometimes we just want to be liked, but how important is it really? You’re not for everyone, and not everyone is for you. This post explores why we may feel this way, and how we can step out of the cycle of constant need for validation from others.
External Validation and Emotional Regulation
The path to validation is a lonely road when we find our value from other people. Of course, we consider it a win when we get the validation or attention that we were looking for but what happens when we meet disapproval?
When you rely on other people’s reactions to regulate you, disapproval can feel scary, even dangerous. Not being accepted when you feel that you need it for survival, can leave you feeling destabilized.
This is when we find ourselves overcompensating. Maybe you stress and replay the conversation over and over, maybe you start to blame yourself, or maybe you abandon yourself to people-please. These feelings can range from small, wondering if you should “do more”, to desperate attempts to be understood – and oftentimes we don’t even realize we’re doing it.
What Happens When We Don’t Feel Chosen
When we don’t feel chosen we might rush to try to fix it. I would personally feel the need to prove myself (for what?), and it generally never got me anywhere.
Spinning your wheels trying to influence or even control how someone feels about you, is nothing more than something to do while you feel like you don’t have control.
So again, we might people-please and becomes super sweet and harmless, we might become quiet for fear of rocking the boat, or my favorite replaying the situation endless times in your head – wondering what you could have done differently.
These things are learned.
If you can relate to this, are not flawed for it.
At some point, we learned that if we made ourselves more amiable, more available, more of whatever we perceived the other person to want – we will be worthy.
You are worthy regardless of someone’s awareness of it.
Turning the Lens Around: You Don’t Like Everyone Either
Also consider your own preferences.
Have you liked and accepted everyone you’ve ever met? Probably not.
And that’s okay.
Think about someone you’ve met with no emotional connection or meaning, you just simply didn’t prefer to be around them. Maybe there is someone you know that you don’t ever really talk to, or maybe there is someone in your life that you actively do not like.
Sometimes we don’t prefer certain people, sometimes they’re just not on your radar. Neither of these things means you are judging them or that harm is going to come to them. It simply means you’re not interested – you’re neutral.
Have there been any times where you’ve mistaken someone else’s neutrality for rejection?
Compatibility vs. Worth
Sometimes people just come from different places with regards to their history, and how they approach things. Sometimes we meet people who just aren’t like us, and again thats okay – we just don’t need to attach our value to their opinions.
Mismatch like this is about compatibility, it’s not a failure on anyone’s part. And you can’t please everybody.
You know when you meet someone who doesn’t align with your values, and it’s important to notice that and respond accordingly. It’s important for us to notice these “red flags” and accept them as data, rather than trying harder, changing more or pretending something is what it isn’t.
Knowing Yourself Changes the Equation
When you put in the time to learn more about who you are, and you get to know yourself, universal approval becomes less important.
Learning about your emotions, your values, your boundaries, standards and preferences – putting a greater focus back on yourself – reduces the need to be validated by other people, because you already validate yourself.
You deserve to put more focus on you, rather than the things outside you.
Being more self-aware creates space for you to choose how you respond, thoughtfully and purposefully, rather than just react.
Prioritizing your own values and opinions moves you from a place of being chosen, to choosing.
Don’t stay in a place of needing to be chosen. Choose yourself.
Discernment as a Form of Self-Respect
What would happen if you were more discerning about who you needed approval from?
Think about it, do you care about who you get validation from or is it pretty universal?
When you give yourself a moment to be calm and decide what you want, how important is this person’s approval, really?
Being more discerning is a careful, grounded way to care for yourself in your relationships.
When you understand that how someone acts consistently is data, and you consciously choose how you feel about that – you decide what’s best for you.
We aren’t avoiding anyone here, you don’t owe anyone your time or kindness. Those are your resources, and you get to decide how you use them. You also get to decide when you stay, leave or engage in conversation. No one is entitled to these things from you.
Letting Go of Forcing Belonging
Constantly trying to be liked, be something to everyone, maintain a certain narrative – it’s exhausting. It’s work. And you don’t actually have to participate in any of it.
If someone is not aligned with you, try accepting it as facts, rather than a reflection of your value. Those two things are completely separate.
What if you let go of the need to be liked by everyone? Real, meaningful relationships come from alignment, not contorting.
Grounded Truth
Not everyone is for you, and you aren’t for everyone. When we can realize and accept this, it leads us more towards clarity. It’s not a loss, it’s a step up.
The relationship you have with yourself, trusting yourself, deciding how you feel and having that be enough – is far more powerful than anything you can find outside yourself.
Related Reads:
- Make Sure They Bring Value,
- Understanding Validation and How to Cultivate it for Yourself ,
- Give Yourself the Right Conditions to Grow,
- Let People Show You Who They Are
Resources If you’d like to learn more about letting go of the need to be liked, check out these links:
- Psychology Today: Shed, Shift, and Begin Again; The Power of Letting Go
- Cleveland Clinic: Mastering the Art of Letting Go
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