I used to have a neighbor who was challenging to live next to. She would desperately seek attention from most people around her — including the neighbors — in very overt and obnoxious ways. I’m not sure why she behaved this way; I never actually talked to her about it.
I eventually moved because it was best for my peace — all of that stimulus was aimed at me as well.
While I was living next to her, I went through a series of emotions: annoyance, confusion, anger, rage — and eventually, understanding and neutrality.
She would play her music loud for the entire courtyard to hear, put her things on our side of the walkway, and act in ways that were borderline obsessive. She always seemed to know when we were home. At times, she could see into our living room — which I caught her doing several times.
All this to say, I made the experience much harder because of how I judged her and how I responded in my own mind.
I handed over my peace by assuming she was acting from the same emotional depth, understanding, and skill set that I had. I assumed she showed up in life the way I did — and I didn’t accept the behavior she was offering.
I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing at the time, but I was — and it’s something worth learning from.
Understanding Perspective
Sometimes it’s less about having a solid answer and more about having the patience to gather information. It’s about being aware of how we respond in our own minds.
Everyone responds differently. We all have unique families, upbringings, past relationships, and experiences that shape how we feel about things. Some people see the world differently because of culture, values, or personal context.
None of this is bad — it’s simply different.
For those of us who are more emotionally layered or who tend to feel deeply, we might assume others show up with the same depth and care that we do.
It’s obvious on some level, but when faced with someone who dysregulates us, it’s easy to forget that their actions come from their own experiences — and that it has nothing to do with us.
Just because you would never shout a rude remark doesn’t mean someone else wouldn’t.
You might be quick to help others and show compassion, while the person next to you may not share the same standards.
My neighbor acted in ways that I certainly wouldn’t — but maybe she didn’t have the capacity to show up differently.
We can judge people, or we can consider that they simply don’t have the emotional tools to do more. As my therapist says, “They’re limited.”
Whether we like it or not, it’s worth noticing. Recognizing that others operate at different levels of maturity, experience, and understanding makes a huge difference in how we relate to people.
Some people just aren’t going to operate on your level. That’s not about ego — it’s simply the truth.
How Judgment Creates Struggle
When we assume others share our standards, misunderstandings and resentment follow. Miscommunication leads to emotional burnout — wondering why someone acted a certain way, why they said something, or why they are the way they are.
This also creates frustration in relationships when we assume a partner “knows better” or “should” behave a certain way — and then acts in an entirely different way.
Remember: you have your own unique assortment of experiences, abilities, and wisdom. Even when we try not to assume, we still do. The key is awareness: notice when someone is trying, but don’t assume they are like you. Be open to learning more about them.
That’s all we can do — be open to learning.
Others’ actions aren’t our responsibility; understanding them isn’t our responsibility either. Our job is to be aware of how we feel and how we respond. Accepting that people act differently — not judging it, just noticing — is key to maintaining our own equilibrium.
Cultivating Awareness
How do we make ourselves more aware?
Next time you catch yourself judging, pause. Take a few deep breaths. Remember that this person and their actions are separate from you. Even if they’re looking directly at you, what they do and say has nothing to do with you.
You might naturally think about how you would have handled it. That’s okay. Just follow it with curiosity:
- Where might this person be coming from?
- Are they going through something I don’t know about?
- How do they differ from me in values, standards, or emotional capacity?
Mindfulness practices like sitting in silence, meditating, and reflecting can help. Journaling is also a great way to explore your assumptions.
Shifting From Judgment to Curiosity
When you begin to judge someone for their actions based on how you would respond, try being curious instead.
Curiosity opens possibilities. It allows learning and growth. Criticism shuts the door and puts someone in a box that might not actually fit them.
Curiosity might even teach you something about yourself. Approaching others with empathy and openness can create new opportunities, deepen connections, reduce conflict, and expand your bandwidth for compassion.
Maybe someone made a bad first impression. But maybe, they’ll surprise you.
The Power of Awareness
We can never fully experience life as someone else does — but we can be open to learning, and accepting people as they are.
We can respond with curiosity and presence rather than judgment and reactivity.
When we honor that others are on their own journey, we free ourselves from unnecessary responsibility and open the door to new experiences.
How will you respond next time you feel compelled to judge someone you might not understand?
Related Reads:
Understanding Resilience and a Strong Mindset,
How Accountability Leads to Empowerment
Everyone Has Something to Teach Us
Resources If you’d like to learn more about responding with curiosity and presence, rather than judgement, check out these links:
- Psychology Today: 3 Ways Curiosity Can Help Calm Reactivity
- Psychology Today: The Power of Curiosity
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