The Opinions We Imagine
Have you ever worried about what someone thinks?
Have you ever been making plans, putting an outfit together, or even just looking at yourself in the mirror, and suddenly found yourself feeling self-conscious because you’re worried about what someone might think of you?
So many of us base our decisions, our moods, and even how we feel about ourselves on what other people think about us.
Before making decisions, we often think about what other people think. Sometimes those are opinions people have actually expressed to us, such as advice from a parent or expectations from a friend. But other times, we’re not responding to their real opinions at all—we’re responding to what we imagine they might think of us.
Maybe we want someone to be impressed. Maybe we want them to see us a certain way or react in a specific way. We think we know how they’re going to respond based on what we do.
But if you really think about it, that doesn’t make a lot of sense.
Unless someone actually tells us what they think, we don’t really know what they’re thinking. And unless we decide that someone else’s opinion is more important than our own, it doesn’t have to be.
I say all of this as a reminder that if you’re someone who tends to care a little too much about other people’s opinions and lets that affect your life, you’re not alone. I don’t know any statistics here, but I’m pretty sure everyone has done that at some point.
What I can tell you is that it’s annoying, it’s frustrating, and it’s draining.
Worrying about these things keep you limited and confined to parameters you never agreed to in the first place.
Caring too much about what other people think keeps you from authentically growing into who you are. It can prevent you from discovering your own values, your own opinions, and your own voice.
What Are You Really Looking For?
If we’re giving so much power to other people’s opinions, it’s worth asking:
What is it that you need from someone else’s opinion?
Do you need their approval? Their validation?
Have you ever asked yourself that?
And what are you actually basing your assumptions on?
Sometimes we assume we know what someone is thinking or how they’re perceiving us because of a look they gave us. Sometimes we interpret silence as judgment.
When we don’t feel secure about something we’ve done, we often look outside ourselves for validation. We want reassurance that what we did was okay.
But if you’re making assumptions about another person’s thoughts, think about what that really requires. You would have to know that person inside and out. You’d have to understand their past, their insecurities, their motives, their feelings, and their perspective.
Just because someone takes a while to respond, is slow to answer a message, or makes a certain facial expression doesn’t mean you need to question everything you just did. Check out Reclaim Your Power: Why We Give It Away and How to Take It Back
The reality is that we can interpret people in countless ways. But unless someone tells us exactly what they’re thinking, we don’t actually know.
Unless you’ve had an honest conversation with the person whose validation you’re seeking, the opinion you think they’re forming about you is just that – something you think. It’s an assumption.
Is it possible that much of what you worry about exists only in your interpretation?
Are You Giving Away Your Power?
I’d like to look at what happens when we give someone else’s opinion power.
If you choose to hand that power over and allow someone outside of you to affect how you feel about yourself, the decisions you make, and the actions you take, is it worth it?
Here are a few questions to consider:
Does it really matter what this person thinks?
Will this person even remember judging me next week? Next year?
How much do I actually think this person cares?
How will making this decision based on someone else’s opinion, rather than my own best interest, affect me?
Is this something I’ll remember next week? Next year?
Is this something I’ll regret doing – or not doing – because I prioritized someone else’s preferences over my own?
To a certain degree, depending on how much you allow other people’s opinions and your assumptions about them to affect you, acting out of fear of those opinions can become a form of self-abandonment.
You are with yourself forever. The decisions you make, the life you live, and the way you show up for it are ultimately your responsibility. The life you build is substantial. It’s the only one you have. Check out Your Most Important Relationship: The One You Have With Yourself
One random person’s opinion of you is fleeting. The reality is that opinions can change. People in sales change minds for a living.
Imagine you want to take a risk and start a new job or move somewhere you’ve never been before. Someone in your life judges the idea, makes you feel bad about it, and persuades you to do something different.
So you change course.
You alter your actions based on that person’s opinion.
Then later, you discover they didn’t have enough information in the first place. Their perspective changes, their opinion changes; they move on with their day.
But you’re left living with a decision you never really wanted because you were looking for external validation.
Don’t let other people run your life for you. Check out Who Has Power Over You?
You only get one.
Not every opinion deserves equal weight. What matters far more is how you feel about yourself. What matters is what you want. What matters is whether you’re spending your precious time doing what feels meaningful and important to you.
Make decisions based on what’s best for your well-being, and the life you’re trying to build. If you want to wear the outfit, wear the outfit. If you want to get up and sing karaoke, get up there and show them what you’ve got!
What Other People’s Reactions Actually Mean
People are separate from you.
Every person shows up in life with their own perspective, their own history, their own ideas about things, and an entire lifetime’s worth of reasons why they might feel the way they do.
You might want a specific reaction from someone, but if they don’t give it to you, why not give it to yourself? Check out Understanding Validation and How to Cultivate it for Yourself
Someone’s positive reaction to you isn’t really a sign that you’re doing things “right,” and someone’s negative reaction to you isn’t really a sign that you’re doing anything “wrong.”
Someone gave me advice once when it comes to other people’s opinions, and more specifically, when someone compliments you. They said you have to consider their motives.
Are they complimenting you and telling you what you want to hear because they want to influence you to do something that benefits them?
Are they discouraging you because they’re jealous?
Are they holding back encouragement because they couldn’t do it themselves?
There are so many reasons and factors that go into other people’s reactions to us. The reality is that all of it speaks to that person – who they are, what they value, and what matters to them. It doesn’t necessarily say anything about us.
Allow me to repeat that again:
Someone else’s actions, words, thoughts, and opinions say everything about them and very little about us.
That is the truth.
And if other people’s actions don’t reflect who we are, then we’re free to do what we want to do, with appropriate boundaries, of course.
I’m sure you’ve heard before that people aren’t really paying attention to you. They’re more focused on themselves.
That’s true as well.
What we’re often looking for when we give our power away in hopes of positive reinforcement is validation.
I mentioned it earlier, but what if you chose to validate yourself instead of reaching outward for it?
What If You Validated Yourself?
So how do you do that?
How do you validate yourself?
How do you move away from the need for other people’s approval and away from worrying about what their opinions might be?
Well, you can start by asking yourself what you want.
What do you want?
Take a moment and tune in with yourself.
Ask yourself:
What feels right for me in this moment?
How do I feel?
Connecting with your own values and knowing what those values are and what they mean to you is how you gain clarity. Your heart will often guide you in the right direction – you just need to be willing to listen.
Some other questions you can ask yourself are:
What makes me happy?
What makes me feel safe and secure?
What brings me joy?
What am I interested in?
What do I want to learn more about?
If other people’s opinions didn’t exist, what would I do?
If you were completely free from worrying about what anyone else thought, what would that look like for you? Who would you be?
Working on your self-esteem and building a positive view of yourself helps you love and value yourself more, which naturally leads to putting more weight on your own decisions rather than someone else’s. Check out How Boundaries Build Self-Trust and Discernment in Relationships
I spent the majority of my life centering myself around other people – what they were doing, what I needed to do to keep up with them, what they were thinking, and what I needed to do to be good enough. Now I’ve put much of that aside. I have my own perspective of who I am, what I want, and what matters to me. Because I value my own perception of myself more than someone else’s perception of me, I’m actually averse to putting too much weight on other people’s opinions.
Not only are other people’s opinions fleeting, fluid, always changing, and often wrong – but more importantly, how I feel about myself matters more to me. I can sustain myself with my own validation, my own sense of worth, love, and acceptance.
What I can’t do is spend my life searching for scraps, hoping someone else will validate me, hoping someone else will accept me.
I did that for a long time. It’s not sustainable.
What is sustainable is you.
How you feel about yourself is far more valuable than someone else’s fleeting opinion.
Stay Focused on Your Own Yard
Stay focused on your own yard.
Don’t waste your precious resources watering someone else’s lawn. Water your lawn.
Let people have the responsibility of watering their own lawn.
You get me?
Let them think what they’re going to think anyway. Check out Return to Yourself – Introducing the RETURN Method
Are you going to spend your life trying to influence every thought that passes through someone else’s mind?
Just a thought.
All of the time spent focusing on other people’s opinions and trying to manage perceptions is time that could be spent bettering yourself.
The energy and effort you put into worrying about other people could be redirected back toward yourself.
And who deserves your time and energy more than you?
The next time you find yourself wondering what someone might be thinking about you, take that same question and redirect it toward yourself.
What do you think?
Because how you feel about yourself matters more.
With any extra time and energy that isn’t being spent worrying about other people’s opinions, you can redirect it into journaling, mindfulness, meditation, or simply getting to know yourself better.
You can use that time to figure out how you best validate yourself.
A Few Reminders for When You Need Them
Here are some things to consider when you’re in the moment and find yourself needing an extra boost.
Remember that you don’t actually know what someone is thinking. Unless they specifically tell you, you’re making an assumption. Also remember that someone’s opinion is their own, and they’re entitled to it. Their opinion belongs to them; it doesn’t belong to you. You don’t need everyone’s approval, your worth is not determined by someone else’s reaction, and you cannot control another person’s perception.
You can only control your own choices.
And ask yourself:
What do I want?
Before making decisions, choices, or assumptions, take a moment to check in with yourself.
Tune in. Know how you’re feeling. Come back to your side of the fence.
Take a look at your own yard and focus on that.
If your neighbor needs to mow their lawn, let that be their responsibility.
And you can take responsibility for mowing your own.
Conclusion: Don’t Forget That Your Opinion Matters Too
Remember that you are important.
You have value.
And at the end of the day, the decisions you make are the ones you have to live with.
Other people’s opinions and thoughts are constantly changing, and half the time they’re based on incomplete information anyway.
Don’t make assumptions.Focus on living your life the way you want to live it.
When you’re in tune with who you are, what you want, and the values you choose to live by, you’re much less likely to lose yourself in someone else’s expectations.
The less time you spend focusing on what’s going on in someone else’s mind, the more time you can spend creating the life you want and understanding what’s important in your own.
And that’s where your power belongs.
Related Reads:
How Healing Sparks Clarity: Learning to See People with Discernment,
Recognizing Patterns in Others,
Trust Your Gut: How to Identify the Signs of Abuse
Resources If you’d like to learn more about giving your power away and being more present in your decision making, check out these links:
- Psychology Today: Stop Giving Your Power Away to Others
- Psychology Today: The Mindful Pause: A Powerful Micro-Practice
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