Introduction: When You Ask Everyone Else What to Do

Have you ever asked so many people for advice that you ended up feeling further away from the answer than when you started?

When I was growing up, I doubted myself quite a bit. Whenever it came to making a decision, or feeling at peace with a decision I had made – I would become anxious and fearful.

Rather than taking a moment to pause and tune in with myself, I would immediately ask those around me for their opinion. I wanted to get validation for my actions from external sources, thinking maybe they knew something (about my situation) or that I didn’t.

I was convinced that other people could see something I couldn’t see, so I consistently asked around.

Whether it was advice on how I was acting in my relationships, to how to feel about things that simply require awareness of personal preference, I would always seek validation and direction from other people.

I would share personal goals, ideas and hopes for myself. I was so disconnected from myself; I didn’t realize I was asking questions that no one could actually answer for me. Not only do other people not know the right answers for you – you are literally the only person who knows exactly what’s best for you.

You might be fortunate enough to have people who care about your wellbeing and help you make decisions – but you are the one who ultimately has the key to your own life.

I would get one answer to my left, and another to my right, and by the end of the day I had asked so many people my head was spinning.

Looking outside yourself can also leave you more confused than anything.

There is a difference between seeking perspective and handing over responsibility for your life.

Advice Is Helpful, But You Cannot Outsource Your Life

Advice has its benefits.

When you talk to a trusted source that cares about you and they give you good, real advice, it can give you a different perspective.

Hearing how someone else sees things, or feels about something, can provide you with wisdom from someone else’s experience.

A caring, supportive, third-party perspective can even help you spot something you missed.

Just keep in mind:

Someone else cannot know your life the way you do.

You are the only one who truly knows:

How you feel
What you really want
What makes you happy
Your history
Your values
What you need

Other people can offer guidance, but they cannot live with the consequences of your choices.

Why We Keep Asking Everyone Else

Why do we do this? Why do we go from person to person, asking seemingly everyone around us about our own lives?

Maybe there’s a deeper reason.

Sometimes these actions can look like simply wanting information, or input.

Yet underneath, some of us might find fear. We might be afraid of making the wrong choice. Maybe asking others could help us weigh our options, maybe that feeling of connection we get from asking can help us bear the load of a big decision.

Maybe we feel that if we get enough of a general consensus, we can make the least disappointing decision. We might feel that asking a lot of people can alleviate our fear of regret, or help us feel a little less responsible for the outcome.

If you aren’t sure what’s beneath the surface for you, you may want to ask yourself:

Are you looking for advice, or are you looking for permission?

There is a difference.

When we look for advice, we might notice feelings of wanting another perspective, or we want to consider information that we might not have.

Seeking permission might feel like coming from a place of wanting validation, or reassurance that you aren’t going to fail, or we may even want someone to tell us we are outright making the right choice.

Yet the truth still remains; no amount of outside reassurance can replace your own trust in yourself.

When Too Many Opinions Create More Confusion

In some cases, we may ask for outward opinions and end up with information overload.

Everyone has an opinion.

One thing we should consider here is that everyone’s opinions go through their own filters.

Other people see the world through their own experiences. They respond to circumstances from their own fears and see things based on their own values. Someone’s perspective can be influenced by their own personality and what they find to be comfortable and acceptable.

Depending on who you ask, you may be discouraged or encouraged – it’s kind of a coin flip.

Someone may discourage you because:

They wouldn’t do it themselves, or they don’t think they can.
They are afraid for you, and are projecting their limitations onto you.
They may envy you. Some people may feel insecure at your very audacity to consider something they think is unavailable to them.
They value security over growth – no matter what you ask, they may suggest the safer option.
They don’t understand what you want.

Someone may encourage you because:

They see potential in you – they agree with your suggestion.
They can relate to your dream.
They have a different risk tolerance and are less afraid of whatever the alternative may be.

Neither automatically means they are right.

And when you consider all this, plus listen to what everyone is telling you – it can leave you in a tailspin.

Sometimes we ask so many people what they think that we become disconnected from what we think.

The Fear of Making the Wrong Choice

This is something we all have experienced.

Of course we want to make the right choice, and be happy with our decision.

Many people find themselves paralyzed and never take action simply because they feel that there is one perfect choice. They feel they must make that choice or nothing.

Some of us might question ourselves and ask:

“What if I choose wrong?”
“What if I regret this?”
“What if I ruin everything?”

While understandable, it doesn’t have to be so scary.

The reality is, there is rarely one perfect choice.

Most choices are simply opportunities to learn.

All the choices we make are steps we take in the direction of our lives. It’s through these choices that we learn about ourselves. Here, we can learn more about what we like, and what we don’t like.

Maybe you decided to try the new special at your favorite restaurant. If you liked it, maybe you’ll get it next time. If you didn’t like it, now you know.

It’s small, but you still learned.

It’s through our choices that we can see what matters to us. Did you choose to spend your time going out and getting after it? Or did you stay home and work on the book you’re writing? And how did either of those choices teach you about yourself and your values?

With each decision we make on our own, we learn about what feels right to us.

Consider this:

There Are No Wrong Choices, Only Information

Of course there is nuance here – some choices certainly have consequences, but with regards to moving through your everyday life – mistakes are just not the end of the story.

The goal is not perfection.

The goal is trusting yourself enough to adjust.

Before You Decide, Tune in with Yourself

There have been several times where the first advice from my therapist was “get grounded”. And it’s an excellent first step.

If you feel that you want to take action, but you can also feel anxiety, or fear attached to that action – wait.

Any time you feel the presence of anxiety or pressure, those are signs that you need to take a moment and breathe, and ground yourself into the present moment.

For example, if you are noticing feelings of anxiety and you want to reach out to someone nearby for comfort or answers, try taking a quick pause, and a breath with long, slow exhales.

Simply giving yourself some time, maybe a few minutes even, to allow the anxious feelings to pass, can help bring you clarity and discernment when making decisions.

Before you ask others, take a moment to tune in and see how you are feeling first.

Some questions you could ask yourself could be:

How am I feeling right now?
Am I calm enough to make this decision?
Am I choosing from excitement or fear?
Am I trying to move toward something or run away from discomfort?

Decisions made from panic often come from fear, and they are often completely different from the ones you would make if you were grounded.

So what do you do?

When you are overwhelmed, your first job is not to make decisions. Your first job is to reconnect with yourself.

Ways to ground yourself:

Take a walk
Journal
Sit quietly with your feet on the floor and your hands on your lap, and breathe slowly, make sure your exhales are longer than your inhales
Sleep on it – just take a break from it altogether and revisit it at a later time
Step away from outside opinions, take a break from talking to other people about it

Learning Your Own Voice

Many people don’t trust themselves because they haven’t practiced listening to themselves.

With some patience, persistence and a willingness to listen to your inner voice, you can rebuild that relationship with yourself.

Your inner voice includes your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Your inner voice can communicate with you through your experiences, as well as your desires.

The more you practice listening to your intuition, the sharper it gets.

Ask yourself:

What do I actually want?
What feels right for me?
What would I choose if no one had an opinion?
What choice aligns with the person I want to become?

Your thoughts matter. Your feelings matter. Your perspective matters. You are allowed to be a source of wisdom in your own life.

Practical Steps to Start Trusting Yourself More

So we know that we want to start listening to and nurturing our inner voice, but how do we do that?

1. Ask Yourself First

Before asking anyone else:

What do I think?

What should I want?

What should I do?

Practice hearing your own answer. Go ahead and answer those questions for yourself, using your own perspective and your own experiences, and let that answer be enough.

2. Limit the Number of Opinions You Seek

If you’re going to ask people for their advice, choose wisely.

Be discerning with who you ask and what you ask them. Ask people who:

You trust, and know you well
Support your growth
Have wisdom in that area

Not everyone gets a say.

3. Start With Small Decisions

Building trust in yourself takes time. You do it one step at a time, gradually.

Some examples could be deciding on your own:

What you want to do with your free time
What boundaries you want to set
What choices feel aligned for you

4. Keep a Record of Times You Were Right

You are right sometimes; write that down. Make note of:

Times you trusted yourself, and it worked out
Decisions you’ve already made on your own that worked out
Moments you handled challenges – and it worked out

There’s so much evidence in your own life, you just have to acknowledge it.

5. Accept That Uncertainty Is Part of Choosing

Give yourself permission to be comfortable with uncertainty. You will rarely feel 100% certain about things – and that’s okay.

Trust doesn’t come from certainty, or perfection.

Trust comes from knowing you’ll be okay regardless.

Conclusion: Come Back to Yourself

You don’t need everyone to agree with your choices for them to be right for you.

You don’t need a room full of people validating your decision before you move forward.

Advice can be helpful. Perspective can be valuable. But at the end of the day, this is your life.

You are the person who has to live it.

So listen, learn, gather more information.

And then come back to yourself. Pause, and tune in.

Because the person who knows you best, the person who has been with you through every experience, every challenge, and every moment of growth – is you.

Resources If you’d like to learn more about closure, check out these links:

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