Introduction: The Moment You Realize You Matter Too
How often have you ignored your own needs because you were worried about how someone else would feel?
We are so busy, all of us – we’ve got things to do, lists a mile long, and people depending on us.
In fact, sometimes we are taught to prioritize things like being helpful, and ensuring we are available when someone needs us.
We do everything we can to avoid disappointing people, or being difficult, or making anyone uncomfortable.
Over time, some people become so focused on being there for everyone else that they forget to ask:
Am I there for myself?
Choosing yourself can feel uncomfortable at first.
Because if you are used to prioritizing everyone else, choosing yourself can feel wrong.
But:
Feeling uncomfortable does not always mean you’re doing something wrong. Sometimes it means you’re doing something different.
Choosing Yourself Is Not Selfish
Many people hear “choose yourself” and assume that means being selfish, or cold. Some of us never make time for ourselves because we feel that it would mean we didn’t care about others, or perhaps it would make us self-centered.
But choosing yourself is not about ignoring everyone else.
It is about including yourself.
You are a person in your own life too. Your needs deserve consideration.
Let’s consider the difference between selfishness and self-respect.
Selfishness:
Selfishness says. “I matter and nobody else does.”. When we are selfish, we aren’t concerned with the wants and needs of others, and we are only thinking of ourselves.
Self-respect:
Self-respect says, “I matter too.”. When we are acting from a place of self-respect, we are remembering our worth and our value. We remember that our wants and needs matter, as well as our mental and emotional health.
It’s important, necessary even, to include yourself and prioritize your own self-care and needs. This act of self-respect maintains and nourishes your relationship with yourself. Constantly abandoning yourself creates resentment, exhaustion, and feelings of disconnection.
Boundaries Are How You Show Yourself Respect
We love boundaries here at Rosie in a New Light!
And just a brief reminder, boundaries are positive, they’re necessary, and they are an important part of a balanced life.
A boundary is not a form of punishment, it doesn’t mean rejection and it’s not a way to control another person.
A boundary is a decision about what you will and will not participate in to protect your well-being.
We can place boundaries around anything. For example:
Your Time
Your time is valuable, and you can never get more of it.
You do not have to fill every free moment, even if that’s what’s expected of you.
You don’t have to:
- Attend every event
- Respond immediately
- Be available whenever someone asks
Your time is not something people are automatically entitled to. It is something you choose to share.
Your Energy
Your energy is a precious resource.
Everytime you say ‘yes’, it costs you some of your energy. Before you expend this resource, it may be helpful to ask yourself a few questions to ensure what you’re doing is within your boundaries.
Some questions you ask yourself could be:
- Do I have the capacity for this?
- Does this leave me feeling fulfilled or depleted?
- Am I saying yes because I want to or because I feel obligated?
Be honest with yourself, remember that you are not expected, or obligated to be everything to everyone. Spend your energy wisely.
Your Emotional Well-Being
This is another great way to protect your peace. Deciding your boundaries around your emotional well-being can look like:
- Taking space away from difficult conversations
- Not engaging in unnecessary conflict
- Choosing to not repeatedly explain yourself, or choosing that you don’t need to explain yourself at all
- Choosing environments that support you
You do not need to attend every argument you are invited to.
You Are Not Obligated to Give Everyone Your Time
I have talked with so many people who feel guilty for having limits. Have you ever heard someone say, “I want to go home, but I feel bad”, or “I want to say no, but I feel bad”, or maybe “I am so tired; but I really should go..”
I’ve even said some of these things myself in the past, but none of it is necessary. It comes from folks feeling that if they express their limits, other people will: be upset, or think we don’t care.
The reality is, someone being disappointed does not automatically mean you did something wrong.
Another person can be unhappy with your boundary and your boundary can still be healthy.
Remember, other people’s reactions are their responsibility.
Your responsibility includes:
- Your choices
- Your words
- Your actions
Your responsibility does not include managing the emotions of others.
Let’s Celebrate Saying No
Saying “No” is fun, especially when you don’t do it often.
Try it, right now. Say it with me “No!”
One more time, a little louder, “No!”
And maybe another time, like you mean it “No!”
Saying no is empowering! It’s not about control or flexing, it’s about choosing your autonomy and being honest with yourself about things you want to do.
If you didn’t actually say no out loud, do it! Practice saying no!
Why am I so excited about saying “No” to things?
Because every no, is also a yes!
Every time you say no to something that doesn’t align with you, you create more space for what does.
Saying no to things that aren’t for us says yes to:
- Rest
- Working towards your goals
- Nurturing your relationships
- Prioritizing your health
- Protecting your peace
We can move past the fear of rejection, disappointing others or being unliked. We can also prioritize our wellbeing over whatever image we want to maintain.
Consider that if one is only ever saying yes, they may eventually lose touch with what they actually want.
Making Choices Others Don’t Understand
Not everyone will understand your choices.
And they don’t have to.
People are looking at your life through their own lens.
There is a lot about you that other people don’t know. They don’t know your full story, or what exactly it is that you’re going through. You have your own experiences, priorities and reasons that you do not have to explain to another person for them to be valid.
If someone disagrees with your boundaries, you may want to reassess that relationship. Those in your life who care about you and support you, also want you to do what best serves you.
In other words if someone disagrees with your choice, let them.
Maybe you want to leave a highly respected, well paying job, maybe you’re thinking of ending your long term relationship or moving to a new place. You don’t have to explain yourself if you find you want to spend less time with certain people or live your life in a different way.
No one knows what’s best for you better than you, why do they need an explanation they might not even understand?
You do not need everyone to understand your path in order to walk it.
Honoring Your Needs
Before choosing yourself, you have to know yourself.
You can find this out by taking a moment to tune in and ask a few questions, such as:
- What do I need right now?
- What am I feeling?
- What has been draining me?
- What brings me peace?
- What helps me feel like myself?
There are different types of needs as well:
Physical:
- Sleep – Check in with yourself and see how many hours of sleep you need per night? When do you like to go to sleep? When do you like to wake up?
- Movement – how do you like to take care of your physical fitness? Do you like to go for walks in the morning? Do you like to lift weights? It’s your body – do what you’re comfortable with.
- Nourishment – what food do you like to eat? What is a good eating schedule for you? If fried food makes you sick, go ahead and order the grilled option – don’t worry about what your friend ordered.
- Rest – make sure you are taking the time you need to rest. Rest might be just as important, if not more important at times, than all the work you can do.
Emotional:
- Connection – how do you like to maintain and nurture your relationships?
- Alone time – do you like to meditate? Do you like to read, or write in a journal? How do you want to incorporate that into your life, or maintain your alone time when other priorities are vying for your attention?
- Support – never be afraid to ask for help, sometimes we need the support of others and that is perfectly okay.
- Processing feelings – do you know how you typically process feelings, what your process is or generally what you need to do to process things? Sit with yourself and honor whatever comes up for you, take the time you need.
Mental:
- Quiet – how do you want to have quiet time, quiet your mind, and focus on your mental health
- Space – how much space do you need in your relationships?
- Creativity – are you allowing yourself to be creative?
- Learning – do you have a mindset of always learning and growing? What is it that you would like to learn more about?
Spiritual/personal:
- Meaning – do you know what gives your life meaning?
- Purpose – do you know what gives you a sense of purpose?
- Alignment – do you know what is in alignment with you? Do you listen to yourself to know the difference?
You cannot honor needs you don’t acknowledge.
Actionable Steps to Start Choosing Yourself
1. Pause Before Automatically Saying Yes
Instead of impulsively offering up your time, or agreeing to do something, pause and take a breath.
You are allowed to take a moment and tune in with yourself to see what it is you actually want to do.
You can also try creating a little space for yourself by letting the other person know you will check your availability and get back to them.
Nothing wrong with that, and it takes the pressure off.
Just remember, it’s okay to give yourself space.
2. Notice Where Resentment Shows Up
Resentment is often a red flag that something in your life needs a second look:
You can ask yourself questions like:
- Where am I giving more than I want to give?
- Where am I ignoring my own needs?
3. Practice Small No’s
Start small, even just saying no out loud like we did earlier.
You can also start by:
- Declining plans that you’re not up for
- Asking for space when you need it
- Not responding immediately; taking your time
- Choosing rest over continuous work
Saying no is a muscle that you can build over time, and it will grow with practice and repetition.
4. Stop Over-Explaining Yourself
You are allowed to have preferences.
You are allowed to make choices.
You do not need a five-paragraph explanation for every boundary. You also don’t need to apologize for any of it.
5. Check In With Yourself Daily
Ask yourself:
- How am I feeling?
- What do I need?
- What would support me today?
Conclusion: Choosing Yourself Is Coming Home to Yourself
Choosing yourself doesn’t mean you stop caring about other people.
It means you stop leaving yourself out of the equation.
Your time matters.
Your energy matters.
Your peace matters.
Your needs matter.
You are allowed to create a life that feels good to live – not just one that looks good to other people.
The people who truly love you will not require you to abandon yourself to prove that you care.
Choose yourself. Not because you matter more than everyone else, but because you matter too.
Related Reads:
Boundaries and Standards: How to Identify, Enforce, and Embrace What’s Best for You,
Make Sure They Bring Value,
Let People Show You Who They Are,
It’s Your Show – The Reality of Main Character Energy
Resources If you’d like to learn more about closure, check out these links:
- Psychology Today: The Truth About Getting Closure
- Forbes: Why Your Brain Loves Closure Even When It’s a Lie – By a Psychologist
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