I took myself to a solo lunch the other day. As I sat there waiting for my food, I played a little game with myself. In this game, I would observe the people around me, and whenever someone inspired me, I’d create a story for them. I’d decide where they were from, how long they’d lived in the area, what their dreams and aspirations might be, what they feared, and how they might be connected to the restaurant I was in.
Of course, it was all made up in my head. The point of the exercise was to remind myself that other people have their own thoughts and emotions—just like me. I’m trying to teach myself that when people approach me, they’re not reacting to me—they’re reacting to their own feelings.
In the past, when someone acted a certain way toward me, my first thought was often, Why are they treating me this way? I would make the experience personal; about myself. I assumed that however someone spoke to me or acted around me, was a direct result of something about me. But the truth is, it was never about me. We all think of ourselves first—it’s human nature.
People respond to others based on themselves, not the other person. When we meet someone, they reflect something back to us that we either like or don’t like. We respond to other people based on how they make us feel, and how we can relate to them. It is truly never about the other person.
It really is your show, and you are the main character.
Don’t Take it Personally
Here’s an example. Let’s say the hostess at this restaurant had no patience for small talk and just wanted to seat you as quickly as possible—no niceties, no warm welcome. Instead of holding onto an expectation of what that interaction “should” look like, consider where she might be coming from. Maybe she was late for work, stressed by traffic, and worried about being reprimanded by her boss.
Or maybe she just had an argument with her partner via text and was more focused on resolving that than on asking if you’d been to said restaurant before. That doesn’t mean she has poor character or lacks people skills. Jumping to that conclusion so quickly isn’t fair—though it is human. Consider that if a loved one had walked in right after you, you might have seen an entirely different side of her.
That’s why it’s important not to take things personally—because whatever someone does, it’s always about them. In my own example, my first thought might have been, Why are they doing this to me? This isn’t how I should be treated. Without realizing it, I made it about my feelings. I expected a certain caliber of service, and when I didn’t get it, I assumed the worst about her—just to justify how I felt. There was no filter or check on that thought; I accepted it as fact.
If your hostess is stressed about being late or upset with her boyfriend, your need for a table—and a smile—might not be her top priority.
When you have the awareness to step back, you see it’s not about you.
Observe Without Judgement
We all respond to situations through the lens of what we already know and the assumptions we carry. This is where cognitive bias and projection come in. Sometimes we see what we want to see, and then only notice details that validate our feelings. We might assume something about another person and never open our minds to the fact that there might be more to them.
For example, maybe you’re feeling left out of your friend group lately. You might notice a friend being quieter than usual and assume they’re upset with you. In reality, they might just be tired or distracted by something in their own life. Here, you’ve projected your own feeling of being excluded onto their behavior, you’ve turned this moment into something personal, when it had nothing to do with you.
I want to see the people around me more objectively. The first step is remembering that people have private thoughts and feelings separate from my own expectations. The next is to notice the facts—what I can truly see.
It reminds me of an art history class I took in college. A common assignment was to write a critique of a painting. Our professor told us to describe what we saw as if explaining it to someone who couldn’t see it at all. We had to be objectively descriptive.
Instead of saying, “I like this painting” or “It’s interesting,” we would say something like: A man sits alone at a counter in a diner. The scene takes place at night on a quiet street, and we view it from outside the diner. The painting shows the entire diner and part of the surrounding streets. It’s realistic, rendered in oil on canvas, and includes a medium amount of detail. The mood evokes mystery and sadness. That painting, of course, is Nighthawks by Edward Hopper.
Whether or not you like art, it’s a valuable exercise in observation. When you simply observe, you learn. When you react, you close the door to new understanding.
Be Aware of Your Assumptions
Instead of making assumptions and taking things personally, you can just name the facts. Later on in my lunch I noticed that a woman walked into the restaurant and stood at the front, looking around. She wore a white shirt, khaki shorts, and a black backpack. Her hair was pulled back.
I don’t know why she was looking around the restaurant. Was she impatient? Was she being bossy to the hostess? Was she being rude? Maybe. But I can’t say for sure because I never spoke to her and I never heard any of their conversation. All I know are the facts of her appearance and behavior at that moment.
And this is where you have a choice—either assign meaning and fill in the blanks with your own narrative, or observe without judgment and give yourself space to learn more. The difference lies in how you feel. Ultimately, this is you choosing your experience.
You don’t need to know everyone’s story or understand them deeply. You just need to understand that it’s not about you.
Related Reads:
How to Deal with Rejection,
The Anatomy of an Apology: How to Have a Difficult Conversation,
You’re Free to Explore: Let Your Options Be Open-Ended
Resources If you’d like to learn more about not taking things personally and exploring further, check out these links:
- Psychology Today: Cognitive Bias is the Loose Screw in Critical Thinking
- Psychology Today: Projection
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